Complete Works
章节目录
共 401 题- TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
- PUBLISHERS' ANNOUNCEMENT.
- PUNGENCY, BREVITY, AND QUAINTNESS
- NEW YORK, 1873. JOSH BILLINGS.
- TABLE OV KONTENTS.
- THE END.
- LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
- DOGS.
- JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX,
- KONTENTMENT.
- MARRIAGE.
- I hav tried it, and kno what i am talkin about.
- I repeat it, in italicks, _marry young!_
- FASHION'S PRAYER.
- THE BIZZY BODY.
- FASTIDIOUSNESS.
- LOVE.
- I never yet hav herd love well defined.
- FEAR.
- BUTY.
- FAITH.
- BRANES.
- SPRING AND BILES.
- TIGHT BOOTS.
- I would jist like to kno who the man waz who fust invented _tite boots_.
- I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth.
- I liv in hopes they will.
- I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more.
- THE LAM AND THE DOVE.
- THE DUV.
- I never knu a duv tew la down, and di ov old age.
- I don't hate duv pies.
- THE OLD BACHELOR.
- HORNS.
- KISSING.
- Adam wan't the man, i don't beleave, tew pass sich a hand
- I then sot down, and thought the thing over.
- I got up from my reflekshuns strengthened, and went for that heifer.
- QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
- WHISSLING.
- I wouldn't force a boy ov mine tew whissell agin his natral inclinashun.
- HOTELS.
- LAFFING.
- HOSS SENSE.
- SILENCE.
- BRAVERY.
- DISPATCH.
- HOW TO PIK OUT A WIFE.
- HOW TEW PIK OUT A WATERMELLON.
- HOW TEW PIK OUT A DOG.
- HOW TEW PIK OUT A KAT.
- LOST ARTS.
- I am sorry to say that this art iz now lost, or missing.
- I pauze for a reply.
- Perhaps some profane and unthinking cuss will exklaim--"_Let her rip!_"
- HINTS TO COMIK LEKTURERS.
- FASHION--FURY--FELLOW--FUN--FUSS--FLUNKY--FRETS--FITS--FINIS.
- FASHION.
- FUN.
- FRET.
- I bet! thou bet! he, she, or it, bets!
- FURY.
- FITS.
- FUSS.
- FELLOW.
- I am sorry for this--i am aktually sad.
- FLUNKEY.
- FINIS.
- THE NU FOUNDLAND AND THE TARRIER.
- I am almoste krazy tew hav a Nufoundland dog.
- THE RAT TARRIER.
- I must hav the pedigree all rite, if the dog aint wuth a kuss.
- THE MONKEY.
- THE PISSMIRE.
- THE POLE KAT.
- This iz vulgarily called "surking eggs."
- THE WEAZEL.
- I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes yet.
- ANGLE WORMS.
- THE MOUSE.
- I luv mice. They seem tew belong to us.
- THE YALLER DOG.
- ROOSTERS.
- THE FOX.
- A YARN.--THE AUNT, AND THE GRASSHOPPER.
- REMARKS.
- A HEN.
- THE GOTE.
- GOOSE TALK.
- I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this.
- SNAILS, SNAIKS, AND BABYS.
- STRIPED SNAKE.
- I wouldn't buy a farm at haff price that had a striped snaik on it.
- BABYS.
- I hav raized babys miself, and kno what i am talking about.
- I wish i was a baby (not only once more) but forever-more.
- ESSA ON SWINE.
- THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.
- THE CODFISH.
- THE MACKREL.
- THE POLLYWOGG.
- THE BULL HEAD.
- MUDTURKLES.
- THE FLY.
- THE CROW.
- THE BUMBLE BEE.
- THE ROBBING.
- THE SWALLO.
- THE BAT.
- THE HAWK.
- I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over them.
- THE MEDDO MOLE.
- I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch.
- THE POSSUM.
- I mean tuffness and cunning.
- I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on this subjeckt.
- THE CURSID MUSKETO.
- I positively fear a musketo.
- THE HORNET.
- I never hav examined their habits mutch, i never considered it helthy.
- THE RABBIT.
- THE POODLE.
- THE PATRIDGE.
- THE SNIPE.
- THE COCKROACH.
- THE MULE.
- I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus.
- BED BUGS.
- THE FLEA.
- NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.
- THE AUNT.
- I am glad that man waz the last thing made.
- SUM SNAIX.
- THE ADDER.
- THE STRIPED SNAIK.
- THE BLUE RACER.
- THE BLAK SNAIK.
- THE MILK SNAIK.
- THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER.
- THE FEATHERED ONES.
- DUK.
- TURKEY.
- THE HOSSTRITCH.
- THE PARROT.
- THE BOBALINK.
- THE EAGLE.
- NATRAL HISTORY.
- KATS.
- I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat.
- THE HUM BUGG.
- THE BUGG BEAR.
- THE GAME CHICKEN.
- THE DUK.
- I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move.
- THE SANDY HILL CRANE.
- MORE SNAIKS.
- THE RATTLESNAIX.
- THE HOOP SNAIK.
- THE ANAKONDY.
- THE GARTER SNAIX.
- THE EEL SNAIK.
- THE SEE SARPENT SNAIX.
- THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX.
- THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS.
- THE BLUJAY.
- THE QUAIL.
- THE PATRIDGE.
- THE WOODKOK.
- THE GUINA HEN.
- THE GOSLIN.
- SMALL-SIZED VERMIN.
- THE GRUB.
- I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub.
- THE LADY BUG.
- THE TREE-TUD.
- THE PORKUPINE.
- DEVIL'S DARNING NEEDLE.
- RAMRODS.
- LOBSTIR SALLAD.
- I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than it can show.
- MOLLASSIS KANDY.
- I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens.
- PUDDIN AND MILK.
- I don't know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity sum boddy else.
- PLUM PITS.
- I think opportunitys are made full az often az they happen.
- CHIPS.
- KOARSE SHOT.
- I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good reazons for it.
- SLIPS OF THE PEN.
- GLASS DIMONDS.
- I alwus git my boots made bi the shumaker that other shumakers praze.
- JEWS HARPS.
- TADPOLES.
- PEPPER PODS.
- HOOKS & EYES.
- JAW BONES.
- ODS AND ENS.
- I love tew see an old person joyfull, but not kickuptheheels-full.
- I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.
- FUST IMPRESHUNS.
- PLUM PITS.
- GNATS.
- It iz the little things ov this life that plague us--
- KINDLING WOOD.
- PHISH BAWLS.
- STRAY CHILDREN.
- I luv praze, but despise flattery.
- I am satisfied thare is more imaginary trouble in this world than real.
- INK BRATS.
- I say, owe no man; owing iz but little better than stealing.
- LIGHTNING BUGS.
- PARBOILS.
- NEST EGGS.
- CHICKEN FEED.
- HARD TACK.
- SOLLUM THOUGHTS.
- INK LINGS.
- I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice.
- EMBERS ON THE HARTH.
- I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait for it.
- HOT KORN.
- FOUNDLINGS.
- DRIED FRUIT.
- REMNANTS.
- REMARKS.
- I think a bear in hiz claws, iz prefarable tew one with gloves on.
- I kant tell now which I admire least, an old coquett, or a young prude.
- The grate cry ov the world now daze iz, "Whats trumps."
- SAWS.
- REMARKS.
- NOSEGAYS.
- SHOOTING STARS.
- I had rather be a child again than to be the autokrat ov the world.
- I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm ov bees lite onto me.
- THE INTERVIEWER.
- I am an awful poor whissler enny how.
- THE MUSK RAT.
- I dont dispize musk rat--oh, no!--but i dont worship him.
- THE MINK.
- THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER.
- SINGULAR BEINGS.
- THE POMPOUS MAN.
- THE ONE IDEA MAN.
- THE HAPPY MAN.
- THE HENPECKED MAN.
- THE OFFICIOUS MAN.
- THE PHUNNY MAN.
- THE CHEEKY MAN.
- THE LIVE MAN.
- THE FAULT-FINDER.
- JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN.
- THE CUNNING MAN.
- FREQUENT KRITTERS.
- THE LOAFER.
- THE PROJEKTOR.
- THE KONDEM PHOOL.
- THE PRECISE MAN.
- INDIVIDUAL FOLKS.
- THE OBTUSE MAN.
- THE POSATIFF MAN.
- THE CROSS MAN.
- THE PASHUNT MAN.
- THE FUNNY MAN.
- THE HONEST MAN.
- PECULIAR ONES.
- THE SQUARE MAN.
- THE OBLONG MAN.
- THE PERPINDIKLAR MAN.
- THE LIMBER MAN.
- THE JOLLY MAN.
- I kno ov no vice in genuine jollity.
- THE PEWTER MAN.
- THE FITEING MAN.
- THE PRECISE MAN.
- COQUETT AND PRUDE.
- FOLKS WE ALL KNO.
- THE EFFEMINATE MAN.
- THE JEALOUS MAN.
- THE ANONYMOUS MAN.
- THE STIFF MAN.
- I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man.
- THE MODEL MAN.
- THE NEAT PERSON.
- OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS--TWO OF THEM.
- JOHN BASCOMB.
- ELIZIBETH MEACHEM.
- GOOD REZOLUSHUNS FOR 1872, 1873 & 1874.
- MY FUST GONG.
- KORN.
- ADVERTIZEMENT.
- ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS.
- SUPPLEMENTARY.
- LETTER TO FARMERS.
- A TEMPRANSE KLUB.
- PROVERBIAL PIG.
- JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "FEMAIL PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY."
- I bid yu tenderla ajew.
- THE FUST BABY.
- JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH.
- JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS.
- SUM VERY BLANK VERSE--THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT.
- THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-RIGGER.
- LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.
- BILLIARDS.
- HABITS OF GRATE MEN.
- JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.
- QUESTIONS.
- HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS.
- GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT.
- AT PORDUNK.
- JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER.
- FUST DAY.
- SEKOND DAY.
- THIRD DAY.
- FOURTH DAY.
- FIFTH DAY.
- OATS.
- I hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could be did.
- I found this out all alone by miself.
- A LAFF.
- PASHUNCE OV JOB.
- THE GAME OF YEWKER.
- I never play yewker.
- I never would learn how, out ov principle.
- I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.
- BEER.
- I never had so much experience, in so short a time.
- LAUGHING.
- THE ADVENT NO. 2.
- QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
- LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE.
- I think the water at Long Branch iz too psalt.
- I did not see enny thing phunny in it, and so i didn't laff.
- I went from Long Branch to Saratoga immejiately and begun to drink.
- I don't think the water at Saratoga iz so mineral az at Long Branch.
- I waz suprized at this, and concluded i had injured mi taste.
- I shall visit Brigham Young while i am thare, and study pollygamy.
- SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY.
- NEW ASHFORD.
- I hav no doubt it lengthened out hiz time, and braced up hiz faith.
- I am az happy and az lazy az a yerling heifer.
- I hav not a kare on mi mind, not an ake in mi boddy.
- BENDS.
- KOLIDING.
- It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a "kolide."
- JOSH BILLINGS.
- I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.
- I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life--on ice.
- I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass.
- I didn't kno how tew proceed.
- WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE.
- BEAU BENNET'S SUPPLIKASHUN.
- A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.
- FEMALE REMARKS.
- PRIVATE OPINYUNS.
- A SUGGESTSHUN.
- ON COURTING.
- LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS.
- JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE.
- THE RASE KOARSE.
- THE TRACK.
- THE HOSSES.
- I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan."
- FUST HEAT.
- REMARKS.
- SECKUND HEAT.
- Thus ended the grate rase at "Sulphur Flats."
- BILLINGS LEXICON.
- OWLY.
- Here we have a batch of immaculate truths from the "Owl Club."
- OWLET.*
- PORDUNK VILLAGE.
- 4 LETTERS.
- I like to eat hash this way better than enny other.
- I lost a most flattering purp on the 16th day of March three years ago.
- I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house.
- I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog.
- JOSH SETTLES UP WITH HIS CORRESPONDENTS SUMMARILY.
- A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE.
- SHORT REPLYS.
- I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it.
- I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg.
- It don't hurt my pheelings tew be called a "_pokey dunce_."
- MI DEAR MISS JEMIMA JOSEPHINE JENKINS:
- I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust virtews.
- I hav never saw yure platform.
- I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.
- SHORT, BUT SWEET.
- I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor.
- I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances.
- JOSH REPLIES.
- JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN."
- I wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her.
- THE GASSY MAN.
- THE SHARP MAN.
- THE LAZY MAN.
- THE NERVOUS MAN.
- THE DIGNIFIED MAN.
- THE WEAK MAN.
- TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE