Historians and biographers having refused tew giv enny transparent
account ov the various _Bends_ that hav got into things, us naturalists
have passed a resolushun tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew
treat of them in a joyful and flexible manner.
The most butiful, az well az truest bilt _Bend_, in this grate
republick, iz the rainbow.
For the informashun ov the scholler we shall simply state that this
_Bend_ iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reached the west, altho
the enterprising people who liv in thoze parts undoubtedly will soon hav
them, on a mutch bigger and improved plan.
_Bends_ are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral ones it
will, perhaps, be well enuff tew menshun north _Bend_, in the State ov
Ohio, the home ov General Harrison, formerly a President ov the grate
republick; and also south _Bend_, in the State ov Indiana, the residence
ov Schuyler Colfax, who, while i am putting down these remarks, iz
running very fast for the Vice Presidency ov this grate republick with a
certainty ov winning that iz butiful tew behold.
(Later--He haz won.)
Another wonderful and awe-inspiring _Bend_ in this grate republick is
the political _Bend_.
This _Bend_ iz az common and az limber az the figger 8.
It kan stand on her hed, or on her feet, or lay down on her side, and be
the same thing all the time.
It kan turn a summerset over backwards, or back a summersett over
forwards.
Menny ov our most noble pollyticians hav bent theirselfs in diffrent
spots so often that they travel like a sick snake.
Thare iz one little _Bend_, prakticed bi both old and young men, that
haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the other crooks in the
world put in a heap together, i mean the elbo _Bend_, that cauzes the
mout tew fly apart on its hinges, and let the burglar whiskee tew rob
the brain ov its patrimony reazon, and illuminate the soul with the
torchlights ov the devil.
In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler _Bend_, which brings a man
down on the hard pan ov hiz knees, and makes him az eazy, and
interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel trap.
This iz a good _Bend_ tew take once in a while, but never ought tew git
chronick.
This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows:--a household, with a
woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom ov it, iz one ov thoze
concerns whare the wife haz authority without power, whare the yung ones
are sassy without reproach, and whare the husband iz meek without
virtew.
In fashionabel life a new _Bend_ haz just appeared, (August 19th, 1868,)
which iz under the patronage ov both genders, the fop and the belle.
This iz a dorsal _Bend_ near the back fin, and gives the wearers ov it,
when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen turkey making for a woodshed in
a heavy shower ov rain.
I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the name ov it, it
iz called the Grecian _Bend_, which iz expekted tew sanktify it.
I don't kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their travelling;
they are about played out, and may be hump backed. But if Solan, the
ancient wisdom maker and law-giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals
with this gorge in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered
it taken oph with a jack-plane.
How long this knapsack gait will continnew to be fashionabel in New
York, the home ov folly, whare just now it iz being experimented with, i
am unabel tew reply, but i hope not long enuff tew transmit the hump tew
posterity.
I love mi fair yung countrywimmin with a gladness bordering on delirium
tremens, and when a native ov Madagascar, not more than haff civilized,
asked me the other day, on Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he
met, i waz forced tew hide a tear, and reply hurriedly, in lo Duch:
"Nix for stix!" and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss quick.
I don't know ov but one thing now that but few would hanker for, if it
should ever bekum fashionabel again, and that iz good, square, pony-bilt
common sense, without enny _Bend_ in it.
Common sense in these times haz tew beg for a living.
What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian _Bend_ should refuse tew
let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum nu crook in sum other part ov the
boddy should hump itself! What a lot ov unsaleable females we should hav
thrust on the market!
I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew natur, but
i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the back; it iz a cowardly
blow on an aimabel critter, whose greatest pleasure iz tew harm noboddy.