1. don't hire enny man tew lektur for yu (never mind how moral he iz)
unless yu kan make munny on him.
2. Selekt 10 ov yure best looking and most talking members tew meet the
lekturer at the depot.
3. Don't fail tew tell the lekturer at least 14 times on yure way from
the depot tew the hotel that yu hav got the smartest town in kreashun,
and sevral men in it that are wuth over a millyun.
4. When yu reach the hotel introduce the lekturer immejiately to at
least 25 ov yure fust klass citizens, if yu hav tew send out for them.
[Illustration]
5. When the lekturer's room iz reddy go with him in masse to hiz room
and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu had over 3 thousand people in
yure city at the last censuss, and are a talking about having an opera
house.
6. Don't leave the lekturer alone in his room over 15 minnits at once;
he might take a drink out ov his flask on the sli if yu did.
7. When yu introjuce the lekturer tew the aujience don't fail tew make a
speech ten or twelve feet long, occupying a haff an hour, and if yu kan
ring in sumthing about the growth ov yure butiful sitty, so mutch the
better.
8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and then if it iz a
kommik lektur, and the kommitty don't laff a good deal, the aujence will
konklude that the lektur iz a failure; and if they do laff a good deal,
the aujence will konklude they are stool-pigeons.
9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru bring 75 or 80 ov the richest ov
yure populashun up onto the stage and let them squeeze the hand and
exchange talk with the lekturer.
10. Go with the lekturer from the hall tew hiz room in a bunch, and
remind him once or twice more on the way that yure sitty iz a growing
very rapidly, and ask him if he don't think so.
11. If the lekturer should inquire how the comik lekturers had succeeded
who had preceded him, don't forget tew tell him that they were all
failures. This will enable him tew guess what they will say about him
just az soon az he gits out ov town.
12. If the lekturer's fee should be a hundred dollars or more, don't
hesitate tew pay him next morning, about 5 minnits before the train
leaves, in old, lop-eared one-dollar bills, with a liberal sandwitching
ov tobbakko-stained shinplasters.
13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a lekturer,
after yu had sufficiently informed him ov the immense growth ov yure
citty, iz that yure people are not edukated up tew lekturs yet, but are
grate on nigger-minstrels.
14. If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or two selling peanuts
amung the aujience, during the lekture, at 5 cents a kupfull.
15. Never fail tew ask the lekturer whare he finds the most appreshiated
aujiences, and he won't fail tew tell yu (if he iz an honest man) that
thare ain't no state in the Union that begins tew kompare with yures.
16. Let 15 or 20 ov yure kommitty go with the lekturer, next morning,
tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands with him with a kind ov deth
grip, don't forget tew state that yure citty iz growing very mutch in
people.
17. If the night iz wet, and the inkum ov the house won't pay expenses,
don't hesitate tew make it pay by taking a chunk out ov the lekturer's
fee. The lekturers all like this, but they are too modest, as a klass,
tew say so.
18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but the abuv will do
tew begin with.