He that will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he that gives it.
It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it.
Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread it.
The minds ov the young are eazily trained; it iz hard work to git an old
hop vine to travel a new pole.
I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk ov it than
trust too mutch in the professions ov men.
Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and hiz nabor, just
in that proportion he iz happy.
It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff, and not enny
more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist whare their pride ends,
and their mad begins.
Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a knot-hole.
A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before he iz fit to
boss others.
The more exalted our stashun, the more conspikuous our virtews, just az
a ritch setting adds to the brilliancy ov a jewel.
Blessed are the single, for they kan double at leizure.
If yu want to learn a child to steal oats in the bundle, make him beg
out ov yu evry thing that yu giv him.
Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git the approval
ov our own conscience.
Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no disgrace to
be bit by a dog.
Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot.
Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what we hav got,
and what we haint got.
We are told that ritches takes wings and flies out ov sight, and i hav
known them tew take the proprietor along with them.
Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a clear conscience, for hiz
heart must be full ov pitty.
I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning az the
heavens are ov wind; they are just the things to cut up into
weather-cocks.
If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, he will be very well
satisfied with evrybody else.
"Blessed are the meek and lowly" (and very lucky, too, if they don't git
their noze pulled.)
If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one.
One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old maids,
waiting on one sick bachelor.
If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it four times az
mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that men pile on to each
other.
I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on their hat-band
theze words, in large letters: "Lead us not into temtashun."
I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who kept away from
whare they waz--it iz jist so with bad-luck.
Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to sail her.
The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another feller haint
got the stamps to buy.
Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but never heaves
her.
Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they git up on
end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are permanantly ridiklous.
I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than I would eat
rye-bread when I am away from home.
Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him talk, but yu
kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny more than yu kan judge ov
hiz amount ov linnen by the stick out ov hiz collar and waistbands.