Comic lekturing iz an unkommon pesky thing to do.
It iz more unsarting than the rat ketching bizzness az a means ov grace,
or az a means ov livelyhood.
Most enny boddy thinks thev kan do it, and this iz jist what makes it so
bothersum tew do.
When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a terifick success, but when it iz
overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent.
Thare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all differ about it.
If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz like a hoss trying to trot
backwards, pretty apt tew trod on himself.
[Illustration: COMIK LEKTURE.]
Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov a bobalink, or
like a yung bird out ov its nest, when it iz feathered enuff to fly.
Whenever a man haz made up hiz mind that he iz a wit, then he iz
mistaken without remedy, but whenever the publick haz made up their mind
that he haz got the disease, then he haz got it sure.
Individuals never git this thing right, the publik never git it wrong.
The publik never cheat themselfs, nor other folks, when they weigh out
glory.
Thare iz jist 16 ounces in a pound ov glory, and no more, that is, by
the publiks steelyards.
Humor iz wit with a roosters tail feathers stuck in its cap, and wit iz
wisdom in tight harness.
No man kan be a helthy phool unless he haz nussed at the brest ov
wisdom.
Thoze who fail in the comik bizzness are them who hav bin put out to
nuss, or bin fetched up on a bottle.
If a man iz a genuine humorist, he iz superior tew the bulk ov hiz
aujience, and will often times hav tew take hiz pay for hiz services in
thinking so.
Altho fun iz designed for the millyun, and ethiks for the few, it iz az
true az molasses, that most all aujiences hav their bell wethers, people
who show the others the crack whare the joke cums laffing in.
I hav known popular aujences deprived ov all plezzure during the recital
ov a comik lektur, just bekauze the right man, or the right woman, want
thare tew point out the mellow places.
The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, with what he calls a
comik lektur, ought tew be put immediately in the stocks, so that he
kant do it, for he iz a dangerous person tew git loose, and will do sum
damage.
It iz a very pleazant bizzness tew make people laff, but thare iz mutch
odds whether they laff _at you_, or laff at _what yu say_.
When a man laffs at _yu_, he duz it because it makes him feel superior
to you, but when yu pleaze him with what yu have uttered, he admits that
yu are superior tew him.
The only reazon whi a monkey alwus kreates a sensashun whareever he
goes, is simply bekauze--he is a monkey.
Everyboddy feels az tho they had a right tew criticize a comik lectur,
and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes things, by shutting up
both eyes and letting drive with hiz two behind leggs.
Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and they are so delikate that
none but the most delikate kan define them.
It is dredful arbitrary tew ask a man tew laff who don't feel the itch
ov it.
One ov the meanest things in the comik lektring employment that a man
haz to do, iz tew try and make that large class ov hiz aujience laff
whom the Lord never intended should laff.
Thare iz sum who laff az eazy and az natral az the birds do, but most ov
mankind laff like a hand organ--if yu expect tew git a lively tune out
ov it yu hav got tew grind for it.
In delivering a comik lektur it iz a good general rule to stop sudden,
sometime before yu git through. This enables the aujience, if they hav
had enuff, tew be satisfied with what they hav had, and if they want
enny more, it enables them to hanker for it.
I know it iz dredful tuff, when a man iz on one end ov a stick ov
molasses kandy, tew quit till he gits clean through; but he musn't
forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on molassiss kandy az he
iz.
I hav got a very lonesum opinyun ov the comik lektring bizziness, and if
I waz well shut ov it, and knu how tew git an honest living at ennything
else, (except opening clams, and keeping a districkt skool,) i would
quit tommorrow, and either trade oph mi liktur for a grindstone, or sell
it to the proprietors ov sum insane hospital, to quiet their pashunts
with.
I dont urge ennyboddy tew cultivate the comik lektring, but if they feel
phull ov something, they kan't tell what, that bites, and makes them
feel ridikilous, so that they kan't even saw wood without laffing tew
themselfs all the time, i suppose they hav got the fun ailment in their
bones, and had better let it leak out in the shape ov a lektur.
But i advise all such persons to pitty themselfs, and when they lay a
warm joke, not tew akt az a hen doth when she haz uttered an egg, but
look sorry, and let sum one else do the cackling.
If i had a boy who showed enny strong marks ov being a comik critter, if
i couldn't get it out ov him enny other way, i would jine him to the
Shakers, and make him weed onions for three years, just for fun.