I dont like tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys near relashuns,
but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz a phool, and that Adam waz a
bigger one.
Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry
that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one
religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined
the country. (I paws for a repli.)
It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn over a nu leaf,
but it often happens that, in doing this, they turn over two leaves at
onst, and bekum so suddenly virtewous that they freeze up stiff.
It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno jist enuff tew doubt and tew
differ.
Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. When charity
gits entire control ov a man's affairs, it runs the affairs and the man
both into the ground.
Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul and asks
hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys.
Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and tharefore i
dispize it.
Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman to hold--klubs
and spades for man.
[Illustration: HARD TACK.]
I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for; she beat the fust man
born into the world out ov a ded sure thing, and she kan beat the last
one with the same kards.
The man who kan stand abuse kan generally stand prosperity. The only way
tew beat the devil iz tew fite him with the Bible in one hand and a
sword in the other.
If i could only praktiss az well az i kan preach, i would not thank a
man tew warrent me in this world nor in the world tew cum.
The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus at the bottom.
Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont belong tew
him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno he iz certain tew be the
wust whipped man in the party.
About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, and about
all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way ov hiding thoze
sins.
Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov principle.
I dont kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the fall ov the
Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than a fall on the ice.
I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz met deth without
expekting in the last extremity tew be saved from it; even our Saviour
uttered that wonderful exklamashun, "My God! my God! why hast thou
forsaken me?"
I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental and phisikal
suffering--i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az tew be able to sit down
and hav a big dubble tooth jerked out without winking.
Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jealousys--even a
disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a little further off and
begin tew crow up a new reputashun.
Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake for serving the
Lord than for serving the devil, and thare alwus will be.
I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule--if a freak ov fortune had
made me as unfortunate among men az the mule iz amung animals, i would
begin tew kick at things a mile and a haff off.
Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world tew chance, but
chances dont go for a man, the man must go for the chances.
Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting the wuth ov our money.
Tew work iz the grate law ov natur--if the woodchuck dont dig a hole he
wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but then sum other woodchuck
will have tew dig two.
Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I hav seen a man,
perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz back, bekum suddenly furious
bekauze sumboddy had given him one, the collar ov which wan't starched
stiff enuff.
Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this world, but
it iz publick property, it dont belong tew ennyboddy in pertikular.
Things haz got so now, if a man stops, he iz a-going tew be run over,
for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop the whole proceshun.
If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum distant ile by
the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind which tew send,
dancing-masters or missionarys.
We speak ov "_falling in love_," without always thinking that it iz the
only way tew git in love--we all stumble into it, and kan seldum tell
_how_ or _why_.
One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz reazonable doubts
what he ought tew say, iz tew say _nothing_.
It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared.
Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when disasters
cum.
In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things to one
that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness.
The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which agrees with our own
opinyun.