After natur had finished the fust man and the fust woman, she had a
little material left at the bottom ov her cups, and not willing tew
waste ennything, she mixt the two remnants together, more for a frolick
than ennything else, just to see what the compound would produce.
Throwing the mixture onto the dieing coals, in a few minnitts a
half-baked, comikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, before her.
This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a boquet in one
hand and a looking-glass in the other, Dame Nature turned him loose into
the world, to root.
The construckshun ov this creature of remnants iz peculiar.
A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed the fakt
that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no cells, the interior ov
it being filled with cotton batting and sawdust, and stuck awl over the
outside with rosettes, and dead butterflys, with pins through them.
Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little stalls, in each ov which
waz deposited, in solution, a very small quantity ov brains, which
ackted independent ov each other.
One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to tight
boots, and a third to colone water.
All hiz thoughts and affeckshuns are divided between the fit ov hiz
clothes and the admirashun ov them.
Hiz ideas never grasp ennything stronger than Phalon's last sensashun in
perfumery; his whole emotional natur finds its nourishment and
counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris fashions, hung up in a taylor's
window.
The genuine dandy--one who knows hiz bizzness--never falls in love with
ennything but hiz looking-glass; hiz strongest pashun iz admirashun; he
kant reach the dignity ov love.
To love, requires both brains and a soul; and a dandy in love would be
az whimsikal a sight az a butterfly kneeling at the feet ov a tulip.
Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird; hiz pashions are weak, but
regular, and like a watch, the works and the case wear out together.
He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to the last.
Dandys hav no courage; their pashuns are a mixtur ov weak and delikate
things; they kant insult, nor be insulted; they are rabbits among men,
and among wimmin, not bold enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be
dispized.
Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that I kan think ov
now, highly commendible; they are selfish (and have a right to be),
bekauze they haint got ennything to spare; their ambishun haz no more
glory in it than a scent bag.
Reverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, but in the taste ov
hiz hairdresser, or taylor; meekness implys hope, but hope in them, iz
nothing but emasculated impudence.
But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, they are
seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust class vices, they go through life
heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very bad, and when they git reddy
to die, it iz ov az little importance tew the world, az the loss ov a
cosmetick receipt, or a clever twist in a yeller neck-tie.
Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the humming burd duz
among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and thinks that hiz attacks
are awl conquests, but no sensible woman would marry him, enny quicker,
than she would knowingly take counterfit money in change.
This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many pincushion
hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so much vanity that iz
amply pleazed with a dog's head on a bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch
kindness in looking glasses, thare is so mutch fragrance in the
extrackts ov Lubin, thare iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king,
for an evening, among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being
born, and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys
philosophy.
Thimblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah.
It is played on the knees ov a young, and hawk-eyed, and very polished
gentleman, with a shiny black hat on hiz head, encircled with a band ov
crape, az a mourning badge, for hiz late lamented father--or, "_enny
other man_."
The young gentleman wears a flame-colored necktie, striped with orange,
and held with a gilt slide, and a californy cluster on hiz finger, az
copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz conducted with three thimbles,
a pellet ov fur, or wool, az big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be
under one ov the thimbles, but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized,
it dont seem to be invariably thar.
This pellet iz humorsly called the "little joker," and iz carlessly
shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov one ov the thimbles,
but in fakt, slips under the cultivated finger nail ov the gentlemanly
rigger.
This iz only one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but probably the
most niggerlike ov enny ov them.
If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by perswashun, and could not be
converted from the low, and villainous game enny other way, I would pray
tew hav him hit hard with lightning, and then go into suitable mourning
afterwards.
Gambling iz a vice, az natural to man, az the love ov gain, it iz the
pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, and the Saxon, the
nigger, and the congressman.
It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profligasy, that
haz yet bin invented.
Rum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the judge down tew
the grade ov the loafer, and pluck out by the roots the tail feathers ov
aristocracy.
They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent ambishun, wither
the brightest hopes, and brutalize the tenderest pashions.
All that gamble may not reach the lowest depths ov its degradashun, but
they are on the right road.
Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives wont answer.
One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it iz like the small
pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never git rid ov the
skars; a man may ceaze to be a gambler, but once a gambler, the cursed
pashion whines around him, like a ghost around the buried.