Long Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate on the west side
ov the Atlantik Oshun, and iz lokated cluss down to the edge ov the
water.
The populashun iz homo genus, woman genus, girl and boy genus, yung one
genus, and divers other kind ov genus.
The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlantik Oshun, hand
in hand, man and wife, phellow and gall, stranger and strangeresses,
drest in flowing robes, and cum out by-and-by like statuary in a tite
fit.
The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and proprietor ov it
never makes enny blunders.
Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long Branch. Thare iz sum
isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprinkling of innocent
deviltry.
[Illustration: JOSH BILLINGS BATHING AT LONG BRANCH.]
I am pleased to state that the _iniquity_ iz principally in fust hands,
and finds but few takers.
The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for more than
three hundred years to my knowledge. I state this as a stubborn fakt,
and the "_oldest inhabitant_" may help himself if he can.
The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy for years. Sum ov
them say that large lumps ov psalt waz deposited in the oshun, at an
early day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and sum say that the grate
number ov kodfish and number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz
flavoured the oshun.
I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think it iz true,
but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav alwus bin in the habit
ov standing up for the weak and oppressed.
Flirtashuns are thick here, but principally occur amung thoze who hav
wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav begun to git galled.
Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and are called
"_recruiting_."
They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good judges) more
_braceing_ than the sea-airing.
Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a millyun ov airs
more or less.
Now and then yu will see a forrin snob just over from the other side ov
the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-collars, turned down, and short
nozes turned up.
The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, and he
sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew sleep, iz tew
pray--they will kontinue on to do so.
The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and weigh well, and
the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov mind, i think he will win.
The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz infested, just
now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent creatures, who eat 3 meals per
day.
The femail portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up their
sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their trunk, and drag
out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that would make the Queen ov
Sheeba sorry that she hadn't postponed living untill Long Branch had bin
invented, so that she could hav got the style.
I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel, and bring
their best clothes with them.
Long Branch haz menny things to interest the schollar, and the
philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt.
I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good rotary
movements on it.
I didn't bet, bekaze i hav alwus been principled aginst loseing enny
money.
I think i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile mi morality,
but the loss ov a fu dollars, would git mi virtew out ov repair for
ages.
Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, and the
world-renowned musketo.
The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at _Plezzure Bay_, cluss bi Long
Branch.
He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a string, and
then dropping the string down in the water, and tickling the bottom ov
hiz feet with the knot, in this way, sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes
he iz knot.
The musketo iz az natral to Nu Jersee az Jersee litening iz.
The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz allowed tew take
out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to me, or enny ov mi near
relashuns.
If he haz enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, for he iz the
biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimblet, i hav ever met
seldom. It dont look well for a philosopher tew be fracktious at enny
thing, not even a bugg, but if enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud)
he may know thare haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises.
I cum tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the opening ov the
season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, and intend now to keep
putting up thare, untill the house shuts up, if i hav tew klimb the
flag-staff to do it.
Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put up regular,
once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things.
Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kant never enjoy, untill
they are deprived ov it.
It will then be forever too late.
I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, when they find a good hotel, a
225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell with them heavily.
I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny boddy thinks
they know how tew keep a hotel (_and they do know how_) but this
ackounts for the grate number ov kussid poor hotels, all over the
country.