Sum ov our best and most energetick quill jerkers, hav writ essays on
the "Lost Arts," and hav did comparatiffly well, but they hav overlooked
several ov the missing artikles whitch i take the liberty, (in a strikly
confidenshall way) tew draw their attenshun to.
"_Pumpkin Pi._"--This delitesum work ov art _iz_, (or rather _was_) a
triumphant conglomerashun ov baked doe, and biled pumpkin.
It waz diskovered during the old ov the moon, in the year 1680, by
Angelica, the notable wife ov Rhehoboam Beecher, then residing in the
rural town ov Nu Guilford, State of Connekticut, but since departed this
life, aged 84 years, 3 months, 6 daze 5 hours, and 15 minnitts.
Peace tew her dust.
This pi, immejiately after its discovery bi Angelica, proceeded into
general use, and waz the boss pi, for over a hundred years.
In the year 1833 it was totaly lorst.
This pi hain't bin herd from since. Large rewards hav bin offered for
its recovery by the Govenor ov Connekticut, but it haz undoubtedly fled
forever.
Sum poor imitashuns ov the blessed old original pi are loafing around,
but pumpkin pi az it waz, (with nutmeg in it) is no more.
"_Rum and Tansy._"--Good old Nu England rum with tanzy bruized in it,
waz known to our ancients, and drank by the deacons and the elders ov
our churches, a century ago.
It iz now one ov the lost arts.
A haff a pint ov this glorious old mixtur upon gitting out ov bed in the
morning, then a haff a pint jist before sitting down tew breakfast, then
thru the day, at stated intervals, a haff a pint ov it, and sum more ov
it just before retiring at nite, iz wat enabled our fourfathers tew
shake oph the yoke ov grate brittain, and gave the Amerikan eagle the
majestik tred and thundering big bak bone, which he used tew hav. But,
alass! oh, alass! we once had spirits ov just men made perfek, but we
hav now, (o alass!) spirits ov the dam.
One half-pint ov the present prevailing rum would ruin a deacon in
twenty minitts.
Farewell, good old nu England rum, with some tanzy in yer, thou hast
gone! yest, thou hast gone tew that bourn from which no good spirits
cums back.
"_Rum, reguiescat, et liquorissimus._"
* * * * *
"_Arly to bed, and arly to rize._"
When our ancestors landed on Plimoth Rok out ov the Mayflower, and stood
in front ov the grate lanskape spred out before them, reaching from the
boisterious Atlantik to the buzzum ov the plaintive Pacifick, they
brought with them, among other tools, the art ov gitting up in the
morning and going tew bed at nite in decent seazon.
This art they was az familiar to them, az codfish for brekfast.
They knu it bi heart.
It waz the eleventh command in their katekism.
They taut it tew their children, their yung men and maidens, and if a
yung one waz enny ways slow about larning it he waz invited out to the
korn-krib, and thare the art waz explained tew him, so that he got hold
ov the idee for ever and amen.