Josh Billings being duly sworn, testifys az follers: Eight wont go into
6 and hav mutch ov enny thing left over. Menny a yung fellow haz found
out this sum in arithmeticks bi trieing tew git a number 8 foot into a
number 6 boot.
Virteu, in one respekt, iz like munny. That which we hav tew work the
hardesst for sticks tew us the best.
Men ov phew but aktive branes hav the best exekutive abilitys. Their
branes are like a bullit--compakt, and go strate for the bull's eye.
Affektashun never improved enny boddy yet. It iz better tew be a devil
than a hypokritt.
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I hav often herd thare waz men who knew more than they could tell, but i
never met one. I hav often met thoze who could tell a grate deal more
than they did kno, and waz willing tew sware to it besides.
To be proof agin flattery, a man must hav no vanity, and such a man
never existed; if he did, he iz now one ov the lost arts.
Hope haz made a grate menny blunders, but thare iz one thing about her
that i alwus did like--she means well.
Sum people are good simply bekauze they are too lazy tew be wicked, and
others, bekauze they hant got a good chance.
Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud ov--thare iz
more people in this world who hav changed from bad to good, than from
good to bad.
In munny, interest phollows the principal; in morals, principle often
phollows the interest.
Yu will notis one thing--the devil seldum offers tew go into partnership
with a bizzy man, but yu will often see him offer tew jine the lazy man,
and furnish all the kapital.
Curiosity had twins--one waz _Invenshun_ and the other waz _Stick Yure
Noze Into Things_.
Love iz about the only pashun ov the heart, that i kan think ov now,
that never makes enny mistakes that she kan be held accountable for. If
you waz a going tew try pure love for a crime, what court would yu take
her before?
I look upon the North Pole az one ov them spots, if taint never found,
we shant be none ov the wuss off, and, if it iz found, we shant be none
ov the better off.
I dont kno, after all, but it iz jist about az well tew git abuv yure
bizzness as it iz tew hav yure bizzness git abuv yu.
"In time ov peace prepare for war." This iz the way sum familys liv all
the time.
Whenever yu hear a man who alwus wants tew "bet hiz bottom dollar," yu
kan make up yure mind that that iz the size ov hiz pile.
The devil iz the only individual on reckord who iz sed not tew possess a
single virtew.
Thare iz nothing that a man will git so sik ov az too mutch mollassis.
The vices which a man kontrakts in hiz youth, however mutch he may shake
them oph, will often call on him thru life, and seek tew renew hiz
acquaintance.
Prudery iz often like the chesnutt burr. It seems az tho it never would
open, but by and by it duz, and lets the fruit drop out.
Every man haz hiz phollys, but thare iz this difference--in the poor
man, they look like crimes, while, in the ritch man, they only appear
tew be exsentricitys.
Old age inkreases us in wisdom, and also in rumatism.
I kno lots ov pholks who are pius jist bekauze they waz born so. They
kant tell when they got religion, and, if they should looze it, they
wouldn't kno it.
We never outgro our phollys--we only alter them.
Thare iz this difference between charity and a gift--charity cums from
the heart; a gift, from the pocket.
Coquets are generally too silly to be very wicked.
Thare iz full az menny pholks in this world who hav bin ruined bi
kindness az thare iz who hav bin injured bi kruelty.
When fortune pipes, we must dance. It aint alwus that she iz in tune.
I think the honesty ov men iz oftner the effekt ov policy than
principle.
Thare iz only one kind ov folks who kan keep a sekret good, and they
never take enny tew keep.
The man who iz wicked enuff tew be dreaded iz a safer man in community
than the one who iz just virtewous enuff not to be suspekted.
Flattery iz the wust kind of lieing.
Hypockrasy iz alwus humble.
Gravity don't prove enny thing. If a man iz really wise, he dont need
it, and, if he aint wize, he shouldn't hav it.
It iz jist az natral tew be born poor az it iz tew be born naked, and it
iz no more disgrace.
Thare iz no excuse whatever for the insolence ov wealth; thare may
possibly be for the insolence ov poverty.
Dont forget one thing, mi boy--that when five men kall yu a suckcess,
and one man kalls yu a failure, that the one man's testimony iz what
fetches the jury.
Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur; self-prezervashun iz the seckond.
Yu kant konvert sinners bi preaching the gospel tew them at haff price.
Enny sinner who iz anxious tew git hiz religion in that way, iz
satisfied with a poor artikle.