I never see ennybody yet but what despised _Bed Bugs_. They are the
meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.
They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw
him while he iz fast asleep.
A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a
chance tew knock in hiz sides--the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a
dash at you even in Broadway--but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits
till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.
If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to damn a
bed bugg right tew hiz face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a _small_ way; one pair ov them will
stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small
family a whole year.
It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way
tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and
then heave it away and buy a new one.
Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov
a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to
garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting
they are swelled up like a blister.
It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.
If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but
it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az
slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.
If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong
road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and
raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.
If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them
folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the
hereticks.