My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew
immediate soak in the cistern at onst.
Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don't make enny statements
unless they are true, so yu needn't send me enny more tarrier.
"_Fred._"--Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with
her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper
enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but yu haint got no rite tu put yure
arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are
bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.
[Illustration]
"_Snyder._"--Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had
originally staid thare. They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the
small ov the back. They kan be domestikated dreadful eazy, that is, as
far as gitting in cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is
concerned.
The best way tew domestikate them that ever I saw, is tew surround them
gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate
advantage.
Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.
Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.
Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and--who don't.
I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i
quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't serpose thare is a single
necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste
rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by
machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start
the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he will
begin tew hav rats,--tew turn oph.
_Stujent._--We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than bi the
package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik
us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear
friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the
hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went
out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.
Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen it
in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought
i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment
ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as
follers:
"_Dear Sur_: Yu may be a darn phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in
haste."
_Matty_--It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you
should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick
tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor
fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind,
looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart.
After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I
would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course.
_Mirakle_:--Yu sa "yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that
swallered Joner." I dont serpose that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully
understood it themselfs. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the
whale's sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav
rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed
the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse.