Dear Girls, are yu in sarch ov a husband?
This is a pumper, and y u are not required tew say "Yes" out loud, but
are expekted tew throw yure eyes down onto the earth, az tho yu waz
looking for a pin, and reply tew the interrogatory, with a kind ov
draud-in sigh, az tho yu waz eating an oyster, juice and all, off from
the half shell.
Not tew press so tender a theme untill it bekums a thorn in the flesh,
we will presume (tew avoid argument) that yu are on the look-out for
sumthing in the male line tew boost yu in the up-hill ov life, and tew
keep hiz eye on the britching when yu begin tew go down the other side
of the mountain. Let me give yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot
yure fewter hussband:
1. The man who iz jellous ov every little attenshun which yu git from
sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu are married tu him, luvs
himself more than he duz yu, and what yu mistook for solissitude, yu
will diskover, has changed into indifference. Jellousy isn't a
heart-diseaze; it is a liver-komplaint.
2. A mustash is not indispensible; it iz only a little more hair, and iz
a good deal like moss and other excressences--often duz the best on sile
that won't raize ennything else. Don't forgit that thoze things which yu
admire in a phellow before marriage, yu will probably hav tew admire in
a hussband after, and a mustash will git tew be very weak diet after a
long time.
3. If hussbands could be took on trial, az irish-cooks are, two-thirds
ov them would probably be returned; but thare don't seem tew be enny law
for this. Tharefore, girls, yu will see that after yu git a man, yu hav
got tew keep him, even if yu loose on him. Consequently, if yu hav got
enny kold vitles in the house, try him on them, once in a while, during
courting season, and if he swallers them well, and sez he will take sum
more, he is a man who, when blue Monday cums will wash well.
4. Don't marry a pheller who iz alwus a-telling how hiz mother duz
things. It iz az hard tew suit these men as it iz tew wean a yung one.
5. If a yung man kan beat yu playing on a pianner, and kant hear a
fish-horn playing in the street without turning a back summersett on
account ov the musick that iz in him, i say, skip him; he might answer
tew tend babe, but if yu sett him tew hoeing out the garden, yu will
find that yu hav got tew do it yureself. A man whoze whole heft lies in
musick (and not very hefty at that), ain't no better for a husband than
a seedlitz powder; but if he luvs tew listen while yu sing sum gentle
ballad, yu will find him mellow, and not soft. But don't marry enny
boddy for jist one virtew enny quicker than yu would flop a man for jist
one fault.
6. It iz one of the most tuffest things for a female tew be an old maid
successfully. A great menny haz tried it, and made a bad job ov it.
Evryboddy seems tew look upon old maids jist az they do upon dried
harbs--in the garret, handy for sickness--and, tharefore, girls, it aint
a mistake that yu should be willing tew swop yurself oph, with some true
phellow, for a hussband. The swop iz a good one; but don't swop for enny
man who iz respektabel jist bekause his father iz. You had better be an
old maid for 4 thousand years, and then join the Shakers, than tew buy
repentance at this price. No woman ever made this trade who didn't git
either a phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a hussband.
7. In digging down into his subject, i find the digging grows harder the
further i git. It iz mutch easier tew inform yu who not tew marry, than
who tew, for the reason thare iz more ov them.
I don't think yu will foller mi advise, if i giv it; and, tharefore, i
will keep it; for i look upon advise as i do upon castor ile--a mean
dose tew giv, and a mean dose tew take.
But i must say one thing, girls, or spile. If you kan find a
bright-eyed, healthy, and well-ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty az
sassy az a child looks upon wealth--who had rather sit down on the
curb-stun, in front ov the 5th avenue hotel, and eat a ham sandwitch,
than tew go inside, and run in debt for hiz dinner and toothpick--one
who iz armed with that kind ov pluck, that mistakes a defeat for a
victory, mi advise is tew take him boddy and soul--snare him at onst,
for he iz a stray trout, or a breed very skase in our waters.
Take him i say, and bild onto him, az hornets bild on to a tree.