"_Thomas._"--"Jordan is a hard road to travel," i kant tell you who was
the inventor ov this saying, sum foot sore cus probably, who waz too
lazy to keep a hoss and waggon, or else a hotel darkey carryin' trunks
all day.
[Illustration: A HARD ROAD TO TRABBLE.]
"_Ferdinand._"--"Man wants but little here belo, nor wants that little
long," iz a libel, man _wants_ evrything he kan see, or hear ov, and
never is willing to let go ov hiz grab. Whenever yu find a man who iz
thoroughly satisfied with what he has got, yu will find either an ideot,
or one who haz tried to git more and couldn't do it.
The older a man grows, the more wantful he bekums, and az hiz hold on
life slakens, hiz pinch on a dollar grows grippy.
"_Herod._"--He that puts a small value on hiz services, issues proposals
tew the lowest bidder. When yu make a request ov divine Providence, it
iz best to be modest, if yu expekt to git what you ask for, but there is
so little modesty in the world, between men, that when we cum acrost it,
we mistake it for ignorance or imbecility. Yu will often see little boys
ketching flies, and killing them just for fun, but you don't see them
ketch hornets just for fun. The sting in the hornet's tail iz what makes
him respektable.
"_Miller._"--Yu hav got it right the fust time, ingratitude is one ov
them crimes that evry boddy sticks up their noze at, it is the worst
insult we kan giv, or receive, it lets a man drop down belo the level ov
the dum brutes, for the yellowest, and meanest dog in the United States
wags hiz tail, if yu throw him but a burnt crust. What an awful thought
it iz, that ingratitude iz the common sin against God.
"_Matilda._"--Kissing is one ov the rudiments, babys are learnt it
instead ov the alphabet, but they dont understand the strong points in
it, yet they seem tew luv it without knowing why, this iz a bricky
argument that kissing iz one ov naturs most natural noshuns. I kant tell
yu whether thare is enny pertikular etiket to be observed in
administrating a kiss or not. Between lovers it iz sumtimes usual to
kiss and hang on, but it strikes me that the best way iz tew cum up
frunt face, in single file, then fire and fall back one pace, this gives
the patients a chance tew get the flavour. The grate buty ov a kiss lies
in its impulsiveness, and in its impressibility, two pretty big words,
but worth the munny.
I haven't dun enny thing in the kissing line, (ov an amateur natur,) ov
late years, and there may be sum new dodge, that i aint posted in, but
the old-fashioned, 25 year ago kind, i remember fresh, that kind didn't
hav enny mathematicks in it, but waz more like spontaneous combustion.
Kissing, az a general thing, iz not very interesting tew bystanders, and
iz sumtimes even looked upon, by a third party, az uncalled-for.
"_Warwick._"--"He that giveth tew the poor, lendeth tew the Lord," if yu
had read yure Bible az mutch az i hav, yu wouldn't hav asked me if
Shakespeare wrote this remark.
Charity iz az mutch ov a privilege, az it iz a duty, and lending to the
Lord, iz undoubted security, for enny man's munny.
He that gives nothing away while living, dies a bankrupt, and hiz estate
iz generally settled by hiz heirs, a good deal az the crows settle a ded
hoss, by pitching into the remains.
Thare iz menny folks whoze hearts bile with charity, but whoze
extremitys are cold, a half a dollar kontrakts tew a 3 cent piece, by
the time it reaches the end ov their fingers.
"_Gildad._"--Yure juicy letter haz questions enuff tew make a
distrikt-school-master faint, and if i should answer them all, yu would
be fuller ov edukashun than an aulmanak.
Who the author ov the saying, "the good die yung," waz, i don't care,
but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, the yunger a man kan die the
better; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded sure thing.
Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan live, that
depends entirely upon circumstances, they kant liv over Sunday with me.
"_Abel._"--Yu kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny more than yu
kan a fat oyster by the shell, they are frequently like an old musket,
laid away up garret, hav often bin known, tew let oph a charge, that had
been sleeping, with one eye open, for 3 years. They are like
silver-plated forks, wear well for a long time, but are sure to show the
odious brass at last.
"_Hannibal._"--Giving presents, with the hope of receiving presents in
return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or receiving, it is like
swopping skim-milk, for milk that has bin skimd.
"_Mercury._"--"Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness," waz the private
opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few men, who hav lived yet, who
waz pure enuff, tew monopolize a woods, without enny company but his
soul, and the God who made it. Most people holler for solitude without
thinking that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude
is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place that a
wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dont like solitude, and luv tew
see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, in small doses, iz all well enuff,
but 25 miles square ov it, would make most men, either a counterfiter,
or a hoss thief.