Qu.--Did you ever see an old horce, holler-eyed and bony, limp-legged
and pur-blind, kivvered with a gold-plated harniss and waited upon by a
spruce postillion, and a liveryed coachman?
Ans.--Yes i hav, and i hav seen old age put on pomposity, hobble in
brocade, command reverance, exult with pride and grin with pain, and i
hav sed tew myself "poor old hoss."
Qu.--Did yu ever hear phools, and even wise men say that life waz short,
that deth waz certain, that happiness waz skase?
Ans.--I have herd theze remarks quite often, but i never herd a bizzy
man find enny fault with the length of life, nor a pure one regret that
deth waz a sure thing, nor a vartuous one konplain about the high price
of happiness.
Qu.--Did you ever hear an old maid prattle about the falsity ov man, the
grate risk thare waz in having one, the bliss thare waz in being boss ov
one's self?
Ans.--It seems tew me that i hav, and i have alwus felt az tho the old
virgin waz taking medicine awl the time she was saying it.
Qu.--Iz thare enny vacancy at present for a man in polite sirkles, who
didn't hav a ritch daddy, or who hadn't bored suckcessfully for ile
himself?
Ans.--If we hear ov enny sutch opening we will telegraff yu at once, but
jist now, the way things are run, a man with seedy garments on would
even git kicked out ov a fust klass meeting house, and be put under 10
thousand dollar bonds tew keep the peace. Our advice tew a poor, but
virtewous individual, would be tew take hiz virtew under hiz arm, keep
shady, and let the polite sirkles chew each other.
Qu.--Kan a young man without enny mustash git a situation in Nu York
Sitty?
Ans.--Yes, but it would probably be in the station-house. Yung men
without enny mustash are looked upon with suspicion, and yu will find,
if yu put them under oath, that they either haint got ennything but
common sense, or they are too stingy to buy a bottle ov "Bolivards's oil
ov seduktion," warrented tew fetch hair, or tare oph the lip.
Qu.--Kan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been invented yet to
bring up a boy?
Ans.--Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. But here is a recipee that
i giv away. Bring up your boy in fear ov the rod and a gin mill.
Qu.--Iz thare enny kure for natral laziness, whare it iz a part ov a
man's constitushun and bye laws?
Ans.--Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and subsist on the
milk.
Qu.--How fast duz sound travel?
Ans.--This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the noize yu are
talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn for instance travels a half a
mile in a seckond, while an invitashun tew git up in the morning I hav
known to be 3 quarters ov an hour going up two pair ov stairs, and then
not hav strength enuff left tew be heard.