Young man, when yu hav tew sarch Webster's Dickshionary tew find words
big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don't
mean mutch.
We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire bravery
in a man.
Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from
the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than
piety.
About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how
tew enjoy mizery.
It iz a grate art tew kno how tew "gather figs from thistles," but
philosophy teaches it.
The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz bekauze they
mistake their boddys for their souls.
We are poor not from what we need, but from what we want; necissitys are
not only natral, but cheap.
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I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov pepmint
essence--i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred
yards belo, for this reazon, when I read a book it iz one written by an
old author whoze thoughts the modern writer haz attempted tew improve bi
diluting.
This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reason whi so menny
ov them live unnoticed iz bekause they adorn every day life and not an
ockashun.
All suckcessful flirts hav sharp eyes, one eye they keep on yu and one
on the other phellow.
Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do
kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew their virtew.
Man iz a hily eddikated animal.
Don't never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will
forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it.
Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable.
Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior
mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different.
Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they
bust.
It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno
it.
Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant
laff and devils won't.
Don't never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never
kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu.
I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with
our own.
He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it.
When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale--run
before the wind.
Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel.
I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered
that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine.
Edukashun that don't learn a man how tew think iz like knowing the
multiplikashun forward but not bakwards.
Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat--the rat iz quite az
app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole.
Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule--it
sets them tew kiking bak.
One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that
noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences that every boddy
distrusts.
An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier are just the
things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for
amuzement!
Vice in the young fills us with horror--in the old, with disgust.
Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy.
Thare ain't a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan
"shine em up" a leetle better than enny one else.
The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be
the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that
iz--_death_.
The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able
tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin
the author ov it.
The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.
Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot
dispense with.
Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu
would suppoze that life waz everlasting.
The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools
endurable.
The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills.
Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az
uniforms are in the field; strip an army ov its cockades and brass
buttons, and it would bekum a mob.
Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats
the parlor in punktillio.
If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, luv man, and
hate the devil.
Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting
another man's kandle bi yours.
I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls
when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man.
To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men
possess.
It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say.
The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people
go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a
thing tew suit.
Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will
cloy, and never will betray you.
A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more,
pleazed with themselfs.
If we couldn't neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should
be.
When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has
tuched bottom.
After all, great conversashional powers make a man more feared than
beloved.
In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch
more noise and chattering than sense.
Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu
without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.