The most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other
private individual) iz the hum bugg.
They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good
deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot.
It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum
buggs--if this iz a fakt he haz got more children than he kan watch, and
sum very fast yung ones amungst them.
The hum buggs don't generally live a grate while at once, but have the
fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being suddenly born in another.
They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral,
and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death
begging.
The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than
loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole.
Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious
tew make their acquaintance.
They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knocking from the
highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welcumed again and
flattered more than ever.
The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he
manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheating the whole of them.
The Bible sez "the grasshopper iz a burden"--and i believe it--but i
think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two.
But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the
world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for
thare doesn't seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our
immense dry good bizzness with.
Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short
race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time.
I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in
the same spot--i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is
plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also,
but i don't let him bite the other cheek also.
Thare ain't enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by
this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it
without missing.
Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg
makes menny a warm meal oph ov.
Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this
iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur;
they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth.
If thare iz enny boddy who hain't never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he
must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived
on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn't
feel any kind ov a bite.
If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugs _couldn't_ bite him,
I should set him down at once for a man who wan't a good judge ov the
truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet's, and always
different from a dog's, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum
bugg bites, and lets you do the growling.