Oats are a singular grain, perhaps I should say plural, bekauze thare iz
more than one ov them.
They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one quarter inches
hi, and the straw iz holler.
This straw iz interesting for its sukshun.
Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the buzzum ov a
sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler in 4 minnitts, bi
the watch.
I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and reliable men, who
stand around reddy to prove this, if sum boddy will fetch on the
cobbler.
This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing.
I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that in the game ov
pharaoh, it iz the "splits" that win.
If this iz true, (reasoning from analogy), I have thought that the
splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the cobbler and agin the
suckshun.
But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in most
everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully dizzy, about
four years ago, trieing to prove to the chaplain ov an engine company,
that lager beer waz not intoxikating, but waz full sister to filtered
rane water.
If i had time i would relate more about this circumstanse, but i must
git back onto oats agin.
I like tew see a man stik tite tew hiz text, if he haz to bite into it
to do it.
I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying with a text
iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, yu kant work what's
left ov it into ennything else, not even a rag karpet.
Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew mi mind.
Mi wife haz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever ov sum kind, for
rag karpets in the rag, and i don't have but one pair ov clothes at a
time on this ackount, and theze i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite,
when i go tew bed.
She watches mi clothes just az cluss az a mule duz a bistander, and i
hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and kant be found
soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last roll of rag karpet.
[Illustration]
But for all this, i love mi wife with the affeckshun ov a parent, (she
iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had rather be rag karpeted
bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with warm apple sass, bi enny other
woman. But i must git back onto oats agin. Oats gro on the summit ov sum
straw, and are sharp at both ends.
They resemble shu pegs in looks, and build, and it iz sed, are often
mistaken for them by near-sighted hosses and shumakers.
I dont intend this remark az enny derogativeness to shumakers in the
lump, for i hav often sed, in mi inspired moments, if i couldn't be a
shumaker, i would like to be a good lawyer.
Oats are a phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make even a stage hoss
laff, and when a stage hoss laffs, you may know he is tickled somewhare.
This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they amuze the stummuck ov the
hoss with their sharp ends, and then the hoss laffs.