Korn iz a serial, i am glad ov it.
It got its name from Series, a primitiff woman, and in her day, the
goddess ov oats, and sich like.
Korn iz sumtimes called _maize_, and it grows in sum parts of the
western country, very amaizenly.
I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don't mean the aktual korn itself,
but the tree on which it grows.)
Korn haz ears, but never haz but one ear, which iz az deff az an adder.
Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made out ov injun
meal, and korn dodgers are the tuffest chunks, ov the bread purswashun,
known tew man.
Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt into it, and
then baked on a hard board, in the presence ov a hot fire.
When yu kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a sledge hammer, they
are sed, bi good judges, to be well done, and are reddy tew be chawed
upon.
They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gro tender, and a dog
hit with one of them will yell for a week, and then crawl under the
barn, and mutter for two days more.
I hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodger without
produsing enny result, and i think i could starve to death twice before
i could seduce a korn dodger.
They git the name _dodger_ from the immegiate necessity ov dodgeing, if
one iz hove horizontally at yu in anger.
It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a korn dodger,
that iz only three hours old.
Korn was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare they found it I don't
kno, and i don't know as i care.
Whiskee, (noble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and whiskee is one ov the
greatest blessings known tew man.
We never should hav bin able tew fill our state prizons with energetick
men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if it want for noble whiskee.
[Illustration]
We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosiety, nor demokratik
pollyticians, nor prize fites, nor good murders, nor phatt aldermen, nor
whiskee rings, nor nothing, if it want for blessed whiskee.
If it want for korn, how could ennyboddy git korned?
And if it want for gitting korned, what would life be worth?
We should all sink down to the level ov the brutes if it want for
gitting korned.
The brutes don't git korned, they haint got enny reason nor soul.
We often hear ov "_drunken brutes_," this is a kompliment to oxen which
dont belong tew them.
Korn also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are
brigadeer-ginerals.
Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so iz hasty puddin.
Hasty puddin and milk is quick tew eat.
All you hav got to do iz to gap, and swallo, and that iz the last ov the
puddin.
Korn waz familiar tew antiquity. Joseph waz sent down into Egipt after
sum korn, but his brothers didn't want him to go, so they took pitty on
him and pitted him in a pit.
When his brothers got back hum, and were asked whare Joe waz, they
didn't acknowledge the korn, but lied sum.
It has been proved, that it iz wicked to lie about korn, or enny ov the
other vegetables.
Thare iz this difference between lieing, and sawing wood, it iz easier
to lie, espeshily in the shade.
Korn has got one thing that noboddy else has got, and that iz a kob.
This kob runs thru the middle ov the korn, and iz as phull ov korn as
Job waz ov biles.
I alwus feel sorry when i think ov Job, and wonder how he managed tew
set down in a chair.
Knowing how tew set down, square on a bile, without hurting the chair,
iz one ov the lost arts.
Job waz a card, he had more pashunce, and biles, tew the square inch,
than iz usual.
One hundred and twenty-five akers ov korn tew the bushel iz konsidered a
good krop, but i have seen more.
I hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a bushel, and in sum parts of the
western country, it iz so much, that thare aint no good law aginst
stealing it.
In konklushun, if yu want tew git a sure crop ov korn, and a good price
for the krop, feed about 4 quarts ov it to a shanghi rooster, then
murder the rooster immejiately, and sell him for 17 cents a pound, krop
and all.