Habits are like korns on the little toze, the result ov tite boots.
Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary dorg's tale natral az
life, but seldum useful, or ornamental.
George Washington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astromenor ov the 4th
century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns perigammut on one
bended knee, with hiz eye tooth buried to the kore in a sour apple, and
hiz left shin-bone bandaged, with a solution ov sheet iron.
[Illustration: HABITS OF GRATE MEN.]
In this way he discovered _cansir_, one ov the signs of the zodiac, and
it haz ever since bore his name in English.
George also wore an uprite collar, about one foot in upriteness and
alwus used kats intestines, for shew strings.
He waz a grate man, and had sum habits.
He died in due time.
And haint bin seen since.
His widdow waz inconsolable for a large amount. Hiz widdow iz also no
more now, she coiled oph this mortal shuffle in good shape, at the
reasonable age of 86.
If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, "peace tew her
ashes."
If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ov ten to make enny
other arrangements that will pay.
Rev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov hiz, that shook the
moral firmament from dan to bersheebe, upon the head ov a flower barrel,
with a bony pen made from the dorsal feather finis ov an untamed
osstrich.
He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined with the
perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian.
He also kultivated the ambishun ov hiz little finger nail which grew to
bee about 8 feet in longevity.
He had a way ov leering with hiz left eye, when he preached, which
history sez was cussid good.
Bickerstaff haz had a hoste ov immitators, but they are like the millers
who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all.
Bickerstaff wore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny crown, and
alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze who lived before the
flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz way ov doing things (on the hed
ov a flower barrell), tho often tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet.
Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., waz a doktor.
He waz rather a weak sister, and alwus rode sideways on a side-saddle.
He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until he waz plumb
ded.
His exsentricitys waz theze.
He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood.
When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov hiz elbo.
He never et enney mollassis during hiz sweet life.
He made all ov hiz pills down cellar.
He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents ov medisin,
but history sez, they didn't enny ov them equal Magnum, only in hiz
odditys.
Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after the landing ov the
pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, and i presume iz now fully dead, and gone,
or too old for a full days work.
He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a standard work
for menny generashun ov rats.
This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, by being burnt
with a widder, in a phuneral scrape.
Ebenezer Smile waz probably one ov the most tallented excentricks that
ever smiled.
He waz a landlord on the Himmelay mountains, and waz the author ov
_Gin_.
Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, and all lost.
The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov all hiz peculiarness waz hiz
way ov smiling.
He could smile and drink a gin cocktale at onst, and the same time.
This natrality ov hiz haz bin immitated so mutch since, that the
original idee iz all wore out.
He haz had several immitators who hav outsmiled their daddy.
History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without enny water in
it.
But a pint ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov contempt.
Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez, his father waz also one
before him.
This oddness haz also its immitators.
Ebenezer died with a smile on his countenance, or just after one.
* * * * *
I hav cum tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grate men iz the
work ov art, and is mistaken bi the owners ov it for natur, and haz made
more phools, (bi thoze who hav immitated them,) than the Lord ever haz.
Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how.
Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile behind him.
Oh! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale.