The cockroach iz a bug at large.
He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization.
He iz eazy to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinary kindness, and
never deserting thoze who show him proper ackts ov courtesy.
We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the outward crust ov
these fashionable insekts, that they are a highly successful
intermarriage between the brunette pissmire, and the "_artikilus bevo_"
or common Amerikan grasshopper.
Naturalists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a diversity ov
sentiment, upon matters so important to the peace ov mind and moral
advancement ov mankind in the lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap
the substrata ov all bug ethicks.
But let the learned and polite pull hair az mutch az they pleaze about
the ansestral claims ov the cockroach it iz our bizzness and duty, az
bug scrutinizer, tew show the critter up az we find him, without caring
a single, solitary curse, who hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually
waz.
Thare iz no mistaking the fackt that he iz one ov a numerous family, and
that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, speaks louder than
thunder for hiz affecktionate and unadulterated natur.
He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest provocation,
like the giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious bed bugg, and untill
death, (or sum vile powder, the invenshun ov man) knocks at hiz front
door, he and hiz brothers and sisters may be seen with the naked eye,
ever and anon calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races
between the butter plates.
How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest material in
market, and the most plenty, should be so determined to rid the world ov
evry living bug but himself.
I dont doubt if he could hav hiz own way for six years, evry personal
cockroach would be knocked off from the bosom ov the footstool, and not
even a pair ov them left to repair damages with.
Such iz man!
The cockroach is born on the fust ov May and the fust ov November
semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days from date.
They are born from an egg, four from each egg, and consequently they are
all ov them twins. There is no such thing in the annals ov natur as a
single cockroach.
The maternal bug don't sett upon the egg as the goose doth, but leaves
them lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt mustard seed, and don't seem
tew care a darn whether they get ripe or not.
But I never knew a cockroach egg fail tew put in an appearance. They are
as sure tew hatch out and run as Kanada thistles, or a bad kold.
The cockroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They are always on
the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good track, and a good day,
cluss tew three minnitts.
Their food seems tew consist, not so mutch in what they eat as what they
travel, and often finding them dead in my soup at the boarding-house, I
hav cum to the conclusion that a cockroach kan't swim, but they kan
float.
Naturalists hav also declared that the cockroach has no double teeth.
This is an important fackt, and ought tew be introduced into all the
primary school books ov Amerika.
But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg is the
lovelyness ov their natures. They kan't bite nor sting, nor skratch, nor
even jaw back. They are so amable that I hav even known them tew get
stuck in the butter, and lay there all day, and not holler for help, and
aktually die at last with a broken heart.
To realize the meekness ov theze uncomplaining little cusses, let the
philosophick mind just for one moment compare them to the pesky flea,
who light upon man in hiz strength and woman in her weakness like a red
hot shot, or to the warbling musketo, wild from a Nujersey cat-tail
marsh, with hiz dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood; or, horror ov
horrors! to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still
and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty like a
starved leech.
Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for me, i had rather
visit knee deep among cockroaches than to hear the dieing embers ov a
single muskeeter's song in the room jineing, or to know that thare waz
just one bedbugg left in the world and he waz waiting for mi kandle to
go out and for me to pitch into bed.
In conclusion, to show that I aint fooling, i would be willing, if I had
them, to swap ten fust class fleas any time for a small sized cockroach,
and if the fellow complained that I had shaved him in the trade, I would
return the cockroach and sware that we waz even.