A hen is a darn phool, they was born so bi natur.
When natur undertakes tew make a phool, she hits the mark the fust time.
Most all the animile kritters hav instinkt, which is wuth more to them
than reason would be, for instinkt don't make enny blunders.
If the animiles had reason, they would akt just as ridikilus as we men
folks do.
But a hen don't seem tew hav even instinkt, and was made expressly for a
phool.
I hav seen a hen fly out ov a good warm shelter, on the 15th ov January,
when the snow was 3 foot high, and lite on the top ov a stun wall, and
coolly set thare, and freeze tew deth.
Noboddy but a darn phool would do this, unless it was tew save a bet.
I hav saw a human being do similar things, but they did it tew win a
bet.
To save a bet, is self-preservashun, and self-preservashun, is the fust
law ov natur, so sez Blakstone, and he is the best judge ov law now
living.
If i couldn't be Josh Billings, i would like, next in suit tew be
Blakstone, and compoze sum law.
Thare iz one law i would compoze, which iz this, "no yung snob shall
walk on 5th avenew on the Sabbath day, and twitch hiz hat oph more than
two times, on each block, to persons on the opposite side ov the street,
whom he dont kno, and who dont know him."
I would hav this law compozed in brass, and send a coppy ov it to all
the bar tenders, and cigar shop clerks, in the city.
This would soon put a stop tew this kind ov snobosity.
But notwithstanding all this, a hen continues tew be a darn phool.
I like all kinds ov phools, they cum nearer tew filling their destiny
than ennyboddy i kno ov.
They don't never make enny blunders, but tend rite tew bizzness.
The principal bizzness, ov an able boddyed hen, iz tew lay eggs, and
when she haz laid 36 ov them, then she iz ordained tew set still on
them, until they are born, this iz the way yung hens fust see life.
The hen haz tew spred herself pretty well tew cover 36 eggs, but i hav
seen her do it, and hatch out 36 yung hens.
When a hen fust walks out, with 36 yung hens supporting her, the party
looks like a swarm ov bumble bees.
Thare aint nothing phoolish in all this, but yu put 36 white stuns,
under this same hen, and she will set thare till she hatches out the
stones.
I hav seen them do this too--i dont wish tew say, that i hav seen them
_hatch out the stones_, but i hav seen them set on the stones, untill i
left that naberhood, which waz two years ago, and i dont hesitate tew
say, the hen iz still at work, on that same job.
Noboddy but a phool would stik tew bizzness az cluss az this.
Hens are older than Methuseler, and gro older till they die.
Now I dont want it understood, that enny one hen ken, kan commense life,
with the usual kapital, and live 999 years.
This waz the exact age ov Methuseler, if I have been informed correktly.
I simply want tew be understood, that hens (az a speciality) laid,
cackled, and sot a long time before Methuseler did.
After reading this last statement over agin, i dont kno az i make myself
fluently understood yet.
I dont undertake tew say, that Mr. Methuseler, _cackled_, and _sot_,
what i want tew prove, iz the fakt, that hens were here, and doing
bizzness in their line, before Methuseler waz.
Now I hav got it.
Thare iz one thing about a hen that looks like wisdum, they don't cackle
mutch untill after they have laid their egg.
Sum pholks are alwus a bragging, and a cackling, what they are going tew
do before-hand.
A hen will set on one egg just az honest az she will set on 36 eggs, but
a hen with one chicken iz always a painful sight tew me.
I never knu an only chicken do fust rate, the old hen spiles them
waiting on them, and then it tires out the old hen, more than 36
chickens would.
I think this rule works both ways, among poultry, and among other
pholks.
I have seen a hen set on 36 duck eggs, and hatch the whole ov them out,
and then try tew learn them tew skratch in the garden.
But a ducks phoot aint bilt right for skratching in the ground, it iz
better composed for skratching in the water.
When the young ducks takes tew the water, it iz melankolly, and hart
brakeing, tew see the old hen, stand on the brim ov the mil pond, and
wring her hands, and holler tew the ducks, tew come right strate out ov
that water, or they will all git drowned.
I have seen this did too, but i never see the ducks come out till they
got reddy, nor never see a young duck git drowned.
Yu kant drown a young duck, they will stand az mutch water az a sponge
will.
[Illustration]
One egg, per diem, iz all that a hen ought to lay, espeshily nu
beginner, but there iz sum smart writers on the subjekt, who claim they
ought tew lay two.
This needs more testimony.
Az an artikle ov diet, thare is but phew things that surpass cooked hen,
if eaten in the days ov their youth and innosense, but after they git
old, and kross, they kontrakt a habit ov eating tuff.
After thinking the thing over, and over, and over, I am still prepared
tew say, that a hen is a darn phool, ennyhow you kan fix it.
I don't speak of this as enny disgrace two the hen, it only shows that
natur dont even make a phool without a destiny.
Az long as hens phill their destiny, eggs won't git tew be worth over 25
cents a dozen, and broiled chicken will be one ov the luxurys ov life.
Thare iz grate proffit, and sum loss, in razeing chickens, the _loss_ iz
the heavyest when sum boddy brakes into the chicken coop, and steals all
the chickens.
Thare iz a grate menny breeds ov hens, just now, but the old-fashioned
speckled hen breed iz the most flattering.
After they hav laid an egg, they aint afraid tew say so, and kan
outkackle all other breeds ov hens, and when yu come tew scratching up a
garden, they are wuth two ov enny other kind.
I dont kno ov enny sight that pleases me more than tew see an old
speckled hen cum sputtering oph from her nest and pitch, feet fust, into
a new made garden.
I suppoze if I owned the garden this thing might not look so phunny tew
me, but yu see, I dont own enny garden.
I belong tew that misfortunate klass ov real estate men who dont own
enny garden, and I have sumtimes wondered if it want just about az
proffitable for me tew enjoy the skratching up ov the garden, and let
them other folks who own the hens and the garden do their own gitting
mad and swearing.