Qu.--How fast will the "_come-ing man_" probably travel?
Ans.--It iz unpossibul tew say, but if he kant beat 2:25, he'd better
stay whare he is, for there is no glory left for a slow cuss, in these
parts, but to run foot races with the crab family.
Qu.--What are yure centiments in regard tew southern rekonstrukshun?
Ans.--In mi opinyun, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for the South, iz
to be born agin.
Qu.--What iz the most karniverous animal?
Ans.--Death.
Qu.--What iz the eaziest thing tew digest?
Ans.--A good joke.
Qu.--Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine suckcessfully?
Ans.--Whi not! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket book.
Qu.--Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule?
Ans.--Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and musketoze.
Qu.--Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the street fust,
or last?
Ans.--I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin will hav the
last word.
Qu.--Who are the only real temperance folks in the world?
Ans.--The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare.
Qu.--Iz it proper under enny circumstances tew use the word _Damn_ as a
tonick?
Ans.--It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river that waz dry
eleven months in the year, to state carefully that it wasn't worth a
dam.
Qu.--What iz one ov the principal dutys we owe to our country?
Ans.--The customs.
Qu.--Dew you beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz hosts, being
drank up by the Red see?
Ans.--I do; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel tried over
agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York city.
Qu.--Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov the humin heart?
Ans.--The luv ov applauze; it sticks tew evryboddy during life, and
repeats itself on the tumestun.
Qu.--If yu waz _blest!_ with a boy, which ov the lernt profeshions would
yu dedikate him to?
Ans.--The shumakers.
Qu.--Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life?
Ans.--Only one; liv virtuously; a good life, if ever so short, kasts a
lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward into eternity.
Qu.--Which do yu kount the happyest time in a man's life?
Ans.--Immediately after he haz did a square thing.
Qu.--Is whiskee a tonick?
Ans.--No, it iz an alterative; it alters dollars into pence, and men
into bruits.
Qu.--Iz revenge a viktory?
Ans.--Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the wound heals
enny quicker.
Qu.--Don't you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings and snug fitting
maxims, in support ov morality, and for the scourgeing ov vice and
pholly are simply a rehash ov what haz been written long ago bi the
ancients?
Ans.--I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation; thare iz
just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when kaster ile waz fust
invented.
Qu.--What is the difference between a mistake and a blunder?
Ans.--When a man sets down a poor umbrella and takes up a good one he
makes a mistake, but when he sets down a good umbrella and takes up a
poor one he makes a blunder.
Qu.--If i couldn't hav but one thing, what dew yu think it would be?
Ans.--Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest.
Qu.--Which do yu think iz the best representative man, the lively or the
sorry Christian?
Ans.--Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge ov az pius
heft, but i don't think the Lord ever takes the length of a man's face
for a suit of heavenly clothes; he measures the soul.
Qu.--What iz the best cure for love?
Ans.--Tew liv on it.
Qu.--What iz the best cure for pride?
Ans.--A fall on the ice before folks.
Qu.--What iz a sik old bachelor like?
Ans.--A cocoon.
Qu.--What iz an excuse?
Ans.--The finesse ov reason.
Qu.--What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long Branch?
Ans.--At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress; at Long Branch it iz to
undress and go in.
Qu.--Where do the vain go tew when they die?
Ans.--A barber's shop.