I may be wrong in mi konklusions, but if enny boddy kan date kissing
further back, i would like tew see them do it.
I don't know whether the old stoick philosophers ever kist enny boddy or
not, if they did, they probably did it, like drawing a theorem on a
black board, more for the purpose of proving sumthing else.
I do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage adulturated,
it iz nektar for the gods, i am often obliged tew stand still, and see
kissing did, and not say a word, that haint got enny more novelty, nor
meaning in it, than throwing stones tew a mark.
I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov Union square,
5 times in less than 10 minnitts; they kist every time they bid each
other farewell, and then immediately thought ov sumthing else they
hadn't sed. I couldn't tell for the life ov me whether the kissing waz
the effekt ov what they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the
kissing. It waz a which, and tother, scene.
Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the game. It iz
trew thare iz no stattu regulashun aginst two females kissing each
other; but i don't think thare iz much pardon for it, unless it iz done
to keep tools in order; and two men kissing each other iz prima face
evidence ov deadbeatery.
Kissing that passes from parent to child, and back agin seems to be az
necessary az shinplasters, to do bizzness with; and kissing that
hussbands give and take iz simply gathering ripe fruit from ones own
plumb tree, that would otherwise drop oph, or be stolen.
Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the corner that mi
remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz only tew be had
once in a phellow's life, in the original package, and that iz when....
Not tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best not tew finish
the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no person ov a good edukashun,
and decent memory, but what kan reckolekt the time which i refer to,
without enny ov mi help.
"WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMING."
What i kno about pharmin, iz kussid little.
Mi buzzum friend, Horace Greely, haz rit a book with the abuv name, and
altho i haven't had time tew peerose it yet, i don't hesitate tew
pronounse it bully.
Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and tharefore it aint
astonishing, that a man kan live in New York, and be a good chancery
lawyer, and also kno all about pharming.
[Illustration: BLOWING.]
A pharm, (now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse more bukwheat,
and pumkins, run on theory, than it would 60 years ago, run with manure,
and hard knoks.
Thare iz nothing like book larning, and the time will evventually cum,
when a man, won't hav tew hav only one ov "_Josh Billing's Farmers'
Allmanax_," to run a farm, or a kamp meeting with.
Even now it aint unkommon, tew see three, or four, hired men, on a farm,
with three, or four, spans ov oxen, all standing still, while the boss
goes into the library, and reads himself up for the days' ploughing.
If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i suppoze i would rather hav 36
bushels, ov sum nu breed ov potatoze, raized on theory, than tew hav 84
bushels, got in the mean, benighted, and underhanded way, ov our late
lamented grand parents.
Pharmin, after all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, ennyboddy
thinks they kan keep a hotel, (now daze,) _and they kan_, but this iz
the way that poor hotels cum tew be so plenty, and this iz likewize what
makes pharmin such eazy, and proffitable bizzness.
Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint nothing left, but
hard work, and all fired lite krops.
When i see so mutch pholks, rushing into theory pharming, az thare iz,
(now daze) and so menny ov them rushing out agin, i think ov that
remarkable piece ov skriptur, which remarks, "menny are called, but few
are chosen."
I onst took a pharm, on shares miself, and run her on sum theorys, and
the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work, I furnished all the
seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, out of 12, for mi share ov the
proffits, and the other phellow, paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz
share.
By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the year.
What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and i feel it mi
duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that if they ever expekt
me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn't start me in the theoretikal
pharmin employ.
If a man really iz anxious tew make munny on a pharm, the less theory he
lays in the better, and he must do pretty mutch all the work hisself,
and support hiz family on what he kant sell, and go ragged enuff all the
time tew hunt bees.
I kno ov menny farmers, who are so afflikted with superstishun, that
they wont plant a single bean, only in the last quarter of the moon, and
i kno ov others so pregnant with science, that they wont set a gate
post, until they hav had the ground analized, bi sum professor ov
anatomy, tew see if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for
post-holes.
This iz what i call running science into the ground.
The fakt ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, except in
praktiss: they are too often designed tew do the work ov praktiss.
Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go at him, with a klub
in yure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, and brake him, just as yu would
split a log.
What i kno about pharming, aint wuth mutch enny how, but I undertook teu
brake a kicking heifer once.
I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and phollowed the direkshuns cluss,
and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits.