The monkey iz a human being, a little undersised, kivvered with hair,
hitched to a tail, and filled with the devil.
Naturalists will tell you, if you ask them, that i am mistaken, that i
mean well enuff, and don't mean tew deceive ennybody, but the monkey iz
not a human being, he iz simply a pun on humanity, a kind of malishus
joke ov Jupiter's, a libel, with a long tail tew it, a misterious mixtur
ov ludikrous mischief, and stale humor, a kind of pacing hobbyhoss, or
connekting gang-plank, between man in his dignity and the beast in his
darkness.
I hav a hi opinyun ov the naturalist, and all kinds ov the dictionary
fraternity, and touch mi hat tew them, when we meet, and i respect them
for what they know, but don't worship them for what they don't know, as
the heathens do, their wodden gods.
I don't kare what the philosophers say they kan prove in this matter, i
tell you confidenshally, mi christian friend, that you and the monkey,
are relashuns.
I don't pretend tew say that you are brothers and sisters, but i do
pretend tew state, that monkeys, or enny other kind ov critters, who
exercise reason, even if the light ov it, is dim az a number six dip
candle, in the rays ov the noon day sun, are our relashuns, for a
certain amount.
The only fence between the animal and brute folks, iz instinkt and
reason, and if the natralist kant prove that the monkey don't show a
single glimmering ov reason, i say he must step oph from the monkey's
tail, and let him eat at the fust table.
The monkey iz imitative tew the highest degree, and imitashun iz a
direkt transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and iz fallow ground within
the domain of reazon.
Instinkt don't step one single step aside, tew smell ov a flower or pull
a cat's tail.
But argument ain't mi fighting weight, i git along the best by asserting
things az they strike me, and i say upwards ov four thousand things
every year, that i kant prove, enny more than i kan prove what melody
iz.
The naturalist may hav their own way, but they kant hav mine, what
little i know about things haz bin whispered tew me by the spirits, or
some other romping critters, and is az distinkt and butiful, sumtimes to
me, as a dream on an empty stummuk; it may be all wrong but it never iz
viscious, and thus i konklude it iz edukashun.
Now i don't advise ennybody else tew depend for their learning upon sich
prekarious school masters, the best way iz tew follow the ruts, it will
take you to town just az it did yure daddy.
The route that i travel iz cirkuitus and blind sometimes, it haz now and
then a vista, or a landscape in it, that iz worth, tew me, more than a
farm ov tillable land, but you kant raize good white beans on a
landskape.
Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin tew strut in the subburbs ov
sentimentility and proverbial pomposity, i alwus think ov a gobble
turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, and that is jist what i am
thinking ov now, and therefore i will dismount from the turkey, and git
aboard the monkey, (the monkey az he am) once more.
Pure deviltry iz the monkeys right bower; he iz only valuable, (az
personal property) tew look at, and wonder what he iz a going tew do
next.
He iz a jack at all trades, put him in a barber shop, he will lather,
and try tew shave himself, and color his mustash, put him in a dri good
store, and he will handle more goods, than the best retail clerk in A.
T. Stewart's employ.
The monkey haz not got a logikal head, it iz tew mutch like a pin hed,
all in a heap to onst, but hiz face is a concentrated dew drop of
malishus mischief.
He resembles the rat tarrier in countenance, and skratches hiz hed, az
natral az a distrikt skool boy, and undoubtedly for the same reason.
Monkeys never grow enny older in expreshun, a yung monkey looks just
like his grandpapa, melted up and born again.
They are sometimes kept as pets, but i should rather watch two adopted
orphan boys, fresh from the Home of the Friendless, than two monkeys.
They will eat everything that a man will, except bolony sarsage, here
they show more instinkt, than reason.
But after all, tho the monkey shows evident sighns ov reazon, they are,
az a means ov praktikal grace, the most useless kritters i hav ever
pondered over and skratched mi head about.
They won't work, and they won't play, unless they kan raize sum devil,
they are too mutch like a human being in looks, and actions to kill off,
it is impossible tew gaze at one and git mad at him, and it iz
impossible tew laff at their smirking santanity, without getting mad at
yureself.
If enny boddy should make me a present ov a monkey, i don't know now,
whether i should konsider it intended for malice, or a joke, but i do
know, that i should send him back bi the same person that fetched him,
tew the donor, marked in loud italicks--_C. O. D._
In conklusion; thare iz only one thing that i have a grate supply ov
doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that iz his moral stamina,
while in the garden ov Eden, with the rest ov the critters, previous tew
the time that Adam fell;--was he strickly on the square, or was he just
az full ov the devil az he is now?
An answer tew the above konumdrum iz earnestly solicited.