The Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated
tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent,
and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.
He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the
rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the cornfields and
nabring garden sass for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.
Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on
the inside ov a tree.
He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls,
but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.
He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it.
Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon
all occasions.
During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by
hiz fireside.
When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav
wintered.
Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn't for the
dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy
else haz lost--a heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov
him ain't worth a cuss.
He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but
luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the
smartest missionary on earth kan't redeem, and that iz the art ov
stealing.
He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what
he kant eat, nor hide.
He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the
sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the mollassis, not
be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew
see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it.
I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry
in an animal, the more human he iz.
I can't find, by sarching the passenger list, that Noah had a coon on
board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mutton sassage, that mister
coon, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride.
I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that he could steal
quick.
Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet
yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds,
not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days.
I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a
child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan't advise ennybody to
cultivate coons, they want az mutch looking after, az a blind mule on a
tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a
stock dividend, on the Erie Rail Road.
I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i
hav gone out ov the trade forever; lately, i diskovered, that it waz a
good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a
comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel.
Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and
dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north
western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family.
I feel sorry for coons; for with a trifle more brains, they would make
respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this
would not save them from final perdishun.
Natur don't make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the
eye every time: when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she
makes him; and when she wants a pettyfogger, she knows how tew make him,
without spileing a good coon.
Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a
justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the
law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew
pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle
more coon, and a good deal less pettyfogger.
If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar
ain't but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on
us, _old coons_, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard
cider diet, he swept the country, from the north to the south pole, like
a cargo ov epsom salts.