Thare iz two kinds ov phools, at the date ov this article, laying around
loose in the world, one iz the _natral_, and the other iz the _kondem_.
Thare iz sum other kind ov phools besides these, which I shall tutch
lightly before I git thru.
The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi the side ov
the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds.
He haz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heavenly Father
will care for him, for He cares for the koarse weed and the rank
thissell.
The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz entitled tew all the credit
ov the job.
Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz her other
works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like a ram in a bak lot,
he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence with hiz head, and finds the
stun fence too much for the ockashun.
He often haz a hed phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov beeze, they keep
up sich a buzzing they bewilder him.
The kondem phool generally lacks but one thing tew make him all the the
suckcess he could ask for, and that one thing iz common sense.
Common sense iz all greek tew these kind ov phellows, they kan often
rite poetry that reads az smooth and sweet az ile and molassis mixt
together, and kan even deliver lekturs all around the kuntry, but one
dose ov common sense would take all the starch out ov them, and leave
them az limpsey az the nek ov a ded goslin.
The kondem phool iz the kauze ov most all trubble thare iz in this
world, he ain't alwus malishus, but iz alwus a phool.
I divide the populashun ov the whole world into 2 heaps, and out ov
respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, i call 5 ov them
wize and 5 ov them foolish.
It is verry easy tew be a kondem phool, enny boddy kan be one, and not
suspekt it.
Thare iz a large invoice ov phools just now pressing upon the market,
but the market for them iz stiddy, the demand alwus being phull up tew
the supply.
I rekolekt ov onst saying, upon a memorabel ockashun, (i dont rekolek
the ockashun now,) God bless the phools, and don't let them run out, for
if it want for them, the rest ov the world would be bothered tew git a
good living.
Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew introduce the
following:
The "Profeshional Phool," one who travels for a living.
The "Wag Phool," one who is a phool on private ackount.
The "Bizzness Phool," one who either Bulls or Bears everything in the
market.
The "Radikal Phool," one who kant help it.
The "Conservatiff Phool," one who kan help it, but wont.
The "Meek Phool," one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls to porterhous
stakes, or even quales on toast.
The "Hipreshure Phool," one who, like the hornet, alwus keeps mad in
advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun.
The "Silly Phool," one who thinks the whole civilized world iz in luv
with him.
The "Wise Phool," one who thinks he knoze all things, and luvs
everyboddy.
And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds ov phools,
which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now.