Ever since natur waz diskovered, mice hav had a hole tew till.
Paradise, az good a job az it waz, would not hav bin thoroughly fitted
up without a mouse tew dart akross the bowers like a shaddo, and Eve
would never have knu how tew skream pretty without one ov these little
teachers.
Adam would never hav bin fit tew kontend with the job ov gitting a
living outside the garden if he hadn't trapped suckcessfully for a
mouse.
Ketching a mouse iz the fust cunning thing that every man duz.
Mice are the epitome of shrewdness; their faces beam with sharp
praktiss; their little noses smell ov cunning, and their little
black-beaded eyes titter with pettit larceny.
They are az cheerful az the criket on the harth. I should be afrade tew
buy a house that hadn't a mouse-hole in it.
I like tew see them shoot out ov their hole in the korner, like a wad
out ov a pop-gun, and stream akross the nursery, and to hear one nibble
in the wainscot, in the midst ov the night, takes the death out ov
silence.
Mice alwus move into a new house fust, and are there reddy tew receive
and welkum the rest ov the family.
They are more ornamental than useful, ackording to the best informashun
we hav az yet; but this iz the case with most things.
Mice cum into this world tew seek their fortune, four at a time, and lay
in their little kradles ov cotton or wool, like bits ov rare-dun meat,
for a month, with not a rag on them.
When they dine, they do it jist az a family ov yung piggs duz: each one
at their own particular spot at the table, and it is seldum that yu see
better-behaved boarders, or them that understand their bizzness more
thoroughly.
I hav seen them at their meals, and i will take mi oath that everything
iz orderly, and az strikly on the square, as a checker-board.
When mice hav reached their manhood, their tales are just the same
length az their boddys. This would seem at fust sight tew be a grate
waste ov tail.
The philosophik mind, ever at work, applying means tew ends, might be a
bigg phool enuff tew want to know whi a bob-tailed mouse wouldn't be a
better finished job; but philosophy haz no bizzness tew alter things to
suit the market. It must take mouse-tails just az they cum, and either
glorify them, or shut up.
If there want ennybody in the natral philosophy trade, i hav thought it
would be jist as well for natur bekause a man, if he kant orthodox a
reason for the entire length ov a mouse's tale iz often willing tew tell
hiz nabors that the whole critter iz a failure.
Sutch iz man; but a mouse iz a mouse.
The mouse kan live ennywhare tew advantage, except in a church. They
phatt very slow in a church. This goes tew show that they kant live on
religion enny more than a minister kan. Religion iz excellent for
digestion.
Thare aint a more prolifick thing on earth (prolifick ov fun i mean now)
than a mouse in a distrikt school-house. They are better than a
fire-cracker tew stir up a school-marm with, and are just the things tew
throw spellin books at when they are on the run.
One mouse will edukate a parcell ov yung ones more in ten minnitts
during school time than you can substrakt out ov their heds in three
days with Daballs arithmetik.
Now thare iz many folks who kant see enny thing to write about in a
mouse; but mice are full ov informashun. The only way that edukashun was
fust discovered waz bi going tew school to natur. Books, if they are
sound on the goose, are only natur in tipe.
A grate many kontend that a mouse iz a useless kritter; but kan they
prove it?
I am willing to give an opinyun that too menny mice might not pay; but
this applies to musketoze, elephants, and side-wheel steambotes.
A mouse's tale iz az unhairy az a shustring. This iz another thing that
bothers the philosophers, and i aint agoing to explain it unless i am
paid for it.
I hav alreddy explained a grate menny things in the nuzepapers that i
never got a cent for.
There aint nothing on earth that will fit a hole so snug az a mouse
will. Yu would think they waz made on purpose for it, and they will fill
it quicker, too, than ennything i ever saw. If yu want to see a mouse
enter hiz hole, yu mustn't wink. If do, yu will hav tew wait till next
time.