The velosipead iz a wize instrumentality, with two wheels, placed
consekutively, one wheel before the other, and the other wheel behind
the fust one.
They revolve on their axes, simular to the world, from east to west, and
have already reached the shores of the Pacifick oshun.
They are az eazy tew ride, az a grind stun.
They will undoubtedly do away with the use of steam, and in fifty years
from now, will be the only means of lokomoshun, known to man.
The ladies will all use them, jist az soon az they kan settle the
question, in what manner they shall occupy them.
Just now there iz a dispute, whether they shall occupy both sides ov the
velosipead at once, or whether they shall remain on one side ov them at
once, similar to the anshunt custom ov occupying the noble animal, the
hoss.
It iz to be hoped, that this matter will be laid before the "wimmins'
right committee," and that nothing, ov a one sided natur, should be
allowed tew hinder a woman from filling her destiny.
I beleaf in throwing every thing wide open, to a fair competishun
between the two sexes, velosipeads, az well az medisin, _and may the
best man win_.
It might look a little odd (for the fust day or two) to see the ladies
divided by a velosipead, but in the grate advance ov prices, and morals,
which are now at work in the world, nobody but a darn phool, or a foggy,
would object tew it--if we are ever to reach perfeckshun in this world,
we hav all ov us got to hav a fair chance, at both sides ov things.
I hav examined the scientifick principles ov the velosipead, and find
that it iz just az simple az bread and milk.
The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circumlocutory gravitations,
ackting in conjunction with the simple law ov attraction, preserves the
moshun ov the velosipead within its proper and natural revolushun.
Nothing can be more simple and yet more beautiful than this law in
science; the philosophers are az well acquainted with it az they are
with the 10 commandments, and perhaps better.
There iz one improvement in the velosipead which I am looking anxiously
forward to, and that iz, to learn to stand still till you mount them.
Nothing iz more anoying than a habit they have got into ov lying down on
their sides, if yu undertake to endorse one of them standing still.
I hav seen the nobel animal, the hoss, when they wanted to git rid ov
their rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and kick up their heels.
This iz a trick which the velosipead haz stole from the hoss without
giving him credit for it.
If mi memory serves me right, the moshun ov the velosipead iz purely a
crank moshun, simular tew the grind stun, and iz produced the same way,
that the scizzor grinder stirs up his masheen.
I hav thought if the pioneer wheel of the velosipead could be made out
of whetestones, it might be used while in progress, for sharpening
razors, and carving knives, and thus bekum a means ov grace, az well az
buty, but this would take the poetry all out ov it, and degrade it down
to the level ov usefulness.
If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set it to work at
sumthing useful, it bekums inelegant to onst.
The moshun ov the velosipead iz produced bi the action ov the leggs--or
rather, the action ov the pedal extremetys, the word _leggs_ iz
altogether too obscene for every man to use, who ever expekts tew run
for the legislatur, or be caught in the sosiety ov refined people.
This fakt iz sufficiently explained tew the latin skollar, who
understands that "velosipeads" iz manufakterd out ov two forrin words,
"_veloss_" and "_pedoss_," which vulgarily means "_lively leggs_," but
politely means, "_pedal swiftness_."
If a man don't understand latin now a daze, he kant hardly enjoy the
conversashun ov a hod carrier.
The velosipead iz not a modern discovery; long before the days of Adam,
and Eve, they waz in use.
The heathen gods had them, with one wheel to them, and history tells us
ov a grate expert, one Ixion, who got onto the side ov one ov them, and
traveled all over the Olympian country.
I hav seen them miself with only one wheel to them, theze had two
handles, which protruded out behind, and were propelled by a shove
moshun.
Theze were fust discovered in Ireland, and I think are called
"wheelbarrows," or sumthing that sounds like that.
This is all i kno now about the velosipeads.