A man with a few brains iz like a dorg with one flea on him, dredful
oneazy.
I have alwus notised when an individual haint got the ability tew
criticise judiciously, he dams indiskriminately.
What do yu bet Fame iz? I bet it iz climeing a greased pole tew win a
puss ov 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov clothes worth fifteen.
New York iz a fast place. If a man pulls out on a phuneral procession,
jist az likely az not the whole procession, led bi the hearse hoss, will
strike a 2-40 gait and leave him tew take their dust.
Ambishun iz like hunger--it obeys no law but its appetight.
There iz no medicine like a good joke; it iz a silver-coated pill that
frolicks and phisicks on the run.
Beauty iz a morning dream which the breakfast bell puts an end to.
The man who never makes enny blunders will never rise in the esteem ov
the world abuv the reputashun ov a good guide-board.
I dont want enny better proof ov a good hod-carrier than tew hear
another hod-carrier say, "He iz a cussid phool and dont understand hiz
bizzness."
[Illustration: WHAT TICKET DO YOU VOTE?]
Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The man who kan
eat hiz bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat it
unless it iz spred with butter.
"Vote early and vote often," is the Politishun's golden rule. Du unto
others az yu would be dun by.
What ticket do you vote?
I never knew but one infidel in mi life, and he had no more courage than
a haff drowned kitten jist pulled out ov a swill barrel, and waz az
afraid tew die az the devil would be if he waz allowed tew visit this
earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself.
Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then deliberately
gits into.
Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man's boddy, are like two lawyers
when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they compromise the matter
by laying out the patient.
One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing a hole to fit
the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole.
A lie iz like nitro-glycerine, the best ov judges kant tell when it iz
going tew bust and skatter confushun.
A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail iz full, and
seldum misses the mark; it iz jist so with sum men's blunders.
Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which the steel
alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals tew us hidden gems
which prosperity or negligence would forever hav hid.
About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but
satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.
Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own
opinyuns strengthened, not correkted.
Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow Christians and
wide awake sinners.
Thare iz lots ov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use tew
themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others.
All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov stone to one
ounce ov gold.
Hope and Debt are partners in trade--Hope hunts up the customers and
Debt skins them.
Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track.
Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over.
Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun skatters.
A man has got about done going down hill when he gits whar he brags on
hiz lazyness; such a kritter is ov no more use tew himself nor others
than a frozen-tew-death rooster in a barnyard.
He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly git his
reward here and hereafter; but hiz reward here will be the poor-house.
Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and he will larn
tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he kan spell a word ov two
sillables.
A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the
heats--"blood will tell."
Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav
bin straining for years after a camel and finally had to swallow a nat.
We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but a phool will expekt tew
reach it.
Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep fatt bi
sucking its claws.
Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn't
neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful spry till i found out
whare hiz malice lay.