When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into the world,
like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and barefooted, a sort ov
vagrant.
If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum folks would
say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i tried tew steal the
clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at it.
I make no pretentions tew literature, i pay no homage tew elegant
sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, original truth, i
don't kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drumudary, than tew be the author
ov a whole volume ov glittering cadences, gotten up, for
wintergreen-eating schoolgirls tew nibble at.
_Benjamin._--Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed a praktikal
farmer, he iz what iz kalled a dikshionary farmer.
The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, digs for apples, hunts
stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve the flavor ov mutton, by
a kross ov the hidraulik ram on the south-down, splits the duks feet, so
they kan stand a fair chance with a hen when they cum tew the skratch,
combs hiz roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and
shaves hiz phatting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows wear
greengogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for clover,
piks hiz geese once in 24 hours tew keep them cool, and throws away the
feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and plants oats, a pek in a place,
and runs a grind stun, and two pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov
a pattent kontrivance to hiz cows tails in fli time.
Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a praktikal farmer, he
iz only a genius in husbandry a hundred years ahed ov the time.
I haven't mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now science and
theory, and book larning will have so changed agrikultur that every time
a hen laze an egg, they won't indulge in the silly kackel they do now,
but will sing sum lively air, and the old rooster will dance tew the
musik in front ov the nest.
Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have waited so long
for it, we might az well hang on now till it cums.
_Prudence._--I received yure kind letter yesterday, and must admit that
i kant answer yure question.
_I don't kno what a Dolly Varden iz._
I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an immense sight of
clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov their backs, but whether
this iz a Dolly Varden, or knot, I dont kno, and darsent ask.
I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it thare. I hav waded
in the ensiklopedio, and lo! it aint thare. I have asked all mi bacheler
friends, and they blush, and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow
and Harry Bassett. I have spoke tew married men about it, (I am married
too) and they say "_hush_" and pass on in a grate hurry, and I begin tew
guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got up expressly to Bear the
market.
Prudence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what a Dolly Varden iz, and I
aint a going tew try to find out enny more nuther, for I am satisfied,
from what I hav found out about it allready, that it iz none ov mi
bizzness.
_Picayune._--The sucker iz not a game phish, the very name indicates
that.
They won't bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, emigrating
in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill ponds, up sluggish streams,
into the country.
They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew ketch their breth in
it.
They are az tasteless az a merino potatoe, and az for general
intelligence, are jist about on a par, with a korn kob.
They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az mutch sport in
it, az stabbing seed cowcumbers in a garden, by moonlite, with a
three-tined fork.
_Howard._--Your letter iz come tew hand and its kontents karefully
weighed, and I find that they don't weigh heavy.
In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the North Pole haz not bin found
out yet.
Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the butt, and the kind ov fowls
that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov wood on which it iz bilt,
and the amount ov kindling wood it would undoubtedly make, well split
up, and its universal history will appear in the Spice Box collum, just
az soon az the Pole iz got.
In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, be polite tew your
ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall's guide tew health, and shun
all grass-widders.
_Caroline._--Yu ask us, "Which iz worth the most tew a woman, buty, or
modesty."
For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, for the sake
ov the interest, we rekomend modesty.
Modesty never grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat kakes, aint good
kold, nor warmed up nex day.
We konsider buty one ov the best _kollatterals_ that a woman kan
possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, she aint no better
off than she would be with a life insurance policy, which was forfeited
for the non-payment of premiums.
Buty alone wont _wear_ well, and thare iz a grate deal of it now daze
that wont _wash_ at all and keep its color.