Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap,
and baiting it with yure own finger.
It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a
raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better
konstructed for a phool.
I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is
rong he kant be too conservatiff.
I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the
men.
I beleave in suggar coated pills.--I also beleave that virtue and wisdum
kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and
deeper than tew be mortised into it with a worm-wood mallet and
chissell.
The pure don't grow old enny more than a mountain spring dus.
Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing
awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for
damages.
Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant
help but smile on it.
I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear)
than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i
should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while
in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-glass
that i was a phool.
Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding
down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would
be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.
Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all waste more time
than we uze.
That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and
their grate descent, when in fack, their _grate descent_ iz jist what's
the matter ov them.
We are told "that an honest man is the noblest _work_ ov God"--but the
demand for the _work_ has been so limited, that i hav thought a large
share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands.
I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would
have did if he had bin _thare_; I hav notised that this kind never git
_thare_.
Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't
much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he
waz a tadpole--but other folks kan.
I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister
cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet,
or else he is boring in the rong plase.
Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe
politeness; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov politeness; i
have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was
18 foot high.
God save the phools! and don't let them run out, for if it want for
them, wise men couldn't get a livin.
Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding
and milk, even, will worry a man.
The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint
fit for enny thing else.