_Mister Brown._--In haste, dear sur, I repli tew yure letter thusly:
Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between the teeth, blowed
on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. The musik which they yield
is balmy, but looses much of its melloness unless played upon bi a bull
frog. I hav listened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews harp,
and wept like a child. This iz the kind a musik that enters mi soul like
a sister ov charity out ov a job. I hav a yung female bull frog now in
mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite bully for one ov her sex. Sum
people must hav opera musik or they aint helthy, but giv me the liquid
Jews harp, tickled bi the yung and impashioned bull frog.
If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, issue proposals
for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every bull frog on mi farm to
instrumental musik.
Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan hear the pensiv murmers
ov the bass drum, or the hoarse gutteral ov the trombone, or the pig
like laffing ov the fife, or the jigger ov the banjo and the bones.
I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, and look
forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to the time when bull
frogs will set under every vine and fig tree, tickling the buzzom ov a
Jews harp.
If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, i dont kare if i
dont never hear a hand orgin agin.
[Illustration: 4 LETTERS.]
_Mister Bates._--The best kind ov bate for a rat, iz toasted cheeze, and
the best kind ov a trap, iz the one, that will ketch them the oftenest,
and hang onto them the most. It aint always a sure thing tew ketch a rat
bi the tail, i hav knew them tew bight oph their tail, just outside ov
the jaws ov the trap, and thus save their rat meat.
Bob tailed rats hav ceased tew be a curiosity to me long ago.
Once i should hav looked upon a bob-tailed rat with mingled pheelings ov
pitty, and suprise, but them daze hav fled from me, i look upon a
bob-tailed rat now, as a cluss bizzness transackshun.
Rats are one ov the far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the
wildernes, and i wouldn't if i waz they.
Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i lay in mi
bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ov night, it iz one ov
mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chawing holes throu the base boards,
and playing tag in the wainscote.
Rats are very prolifick, one pair ov assorted rats, will keep a phamily
in rats for years.
Rats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew things but what they
will eat, and them phew things are locked up.
Rats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i am told bi
missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China.
I shouldn't wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav alwus accustomed
mi self to plain vittles.
_Mister Barnes._--Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles.
Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than almost enny other
breed ov food.
For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & eggs, 3 baked
potatoze, a plate of buttered toast, sum slap jacks, 2 cups of coffy,
and sum hash iz good.