Spring came this year az mutch az usual, hail butuous virgin 5000 years
old and upwards, hale and harty old gal, welcum tew York State, and
parts adjacent!
Now the birds jaw, now the cattle holler, now the pigs skream, now the
geese warble, now the kats sigh, and natur is frisky, the earnest
pissmire, the virtuous bed-bug, and the nobby cockroach, are singing
Yankee Doodle, and "coming thru the rhi." Now may be seen the muskeeter,
that gray outlined critter ov destiny, solitary and alone, examining his
last year's bill, and may now be heard, with the naked ear, the hoarse
shanghigh, bawling in the barnyard.
Kittens in the doorway, the pupys on the green, neighbor chats with
neighbor, and the languid urchin creeps listless toward the school.
These things are all fust rate in their place, but spring brings pesky
_biles_, and plants them carelessly, sometimes among the maiden's
charms, and sometimes among the young men's. I kan tork like a preshure
poet about biles, just now, for i have one in full bloom growing on me,
almost reddy to pick, az big az an eggplant, and az full ov anguish az a
broken heart.
Biles are the sorest things ov their size on reckord, and az kross tew
the touch az a setting hen, or a dog with a fresh bone. Biles alwus pick
out the handyest place on youre boddy tew bild their nest, and if you
undertake tew brake them up, it only makes them mad, and takes them
longer tew hatch out. Thare aint no sutch thing az coaxing, nor driving
them away. They are like an impudent bed bug, they won't move till they
hav got their fill.
Biles are az old az religion. Job, the proffit, waz the first champion
ov biles, and he iz currently reported tew hav more biles, and more
pashunce, to the square inch, than enny one, two very rare things to be
found, in enny man.
_Biles_ and _pashunce_! i should as soon think ov mixing courting and
muskeeters together, for luxury.
I hav got a grate deal more faith than i hav pashunce, but i hain't got
enough faith in biles. I wouldn't trust a bile, even on one ov mi boots.
I think faith iz a better artikle than pashunce. Faith sumtimes iz an
evidence ov brains, and pashunce quite often iz only numbness, but i
don't thinkin these smoothe shod times it iz best to have too mutch
capital invested in either ov them.
But i am out ov the road. I must git back onto biles agin.
If a fellow begins tew wander, and git out ov the straight and narrow
path, it is curious how quick he will begin to go to the----. Biles are
very sassy; sumtimes when yer go to set down, they will get between yer
and the chair; this iz one evidence ov their ill-breeding, and i had one
once plant herself on the frunt end of mi nose, which was a most
remarkabel piece ov bad manners, for there iz no room on mi noze
ennywhere fora bile, for when it iz even ebb tide with mi noze, it
covers half ov mi face. Biles are sed tew be helthy, and i guess they
am, for i hav seen sum helthy old biles, az big az a hornet's nest, and
az full ov stings. I always want to be helthy--i am willing tew pay the
highest market price for a good deal ov helthy--but if i had to hav 2
biles on me, awl the time, in order to be helthy, i should think that i
was bulling the market.
There iz one more smart thing about biles; they are like twins; they
hardly ever cum singly, and i hav known them to throw double sixes.
What! twelve biles on one man at a time! This is wus than fighting
bumblebees with your summer clothes on.
Biles are sed, by the edukated and correkt spellers ov the land, to be
an operashun ov natur tew git rid ov sumthing which she wants to spare.
This is so without doubt, but it don't strike me az being a very polite
thing in natur, tew shov oph her biles onto other folks. I say, let evry
boddy take care ov their own biles.
But say aul yer kan about biles, call them all the mean names current
amung fishmungers, revile and persecute, and spit on them, groan, grin
and swear when they visit yer, hit them over the head and set on them if
yer pleaze, there iz a time in their career when they concentrate aul
the pathos ov joy that a man haz on hand to spare, and that iz--when
they bust!
[Illustration: CONSULTING YOUR DOCTOR ON BILES.]
This iz bliss, glory, and revenge on the haff shell. A man leans back in
rektified comfort, az innocent and az limber az a mermaid.
This pays for the fretful nights and nervous days while the bile haz
been hatching. Exit Biles.