DEAR Brigham:--Excuse this peripatetick letter.
I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literature, and write
letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want harnessed young enuff tew
be kind in all harness.
[Illustration: DIDN'T KNOW HIS WASHERWOMAN.]
If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless,
unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn't seem tew kare whether he ever
amounted tew enny thing or not, and who couldn't tell whare he waz last
night till half past two this Morning, and who couldn't recognize hiz
own washer-woman, and who wanted tew go into bizzness fur himself, at 16
years old, with a kapital ov two bottles ov Phalon's extrakt, and a
mustash, that resembled the mold on a pound ov limeberger cheese, I
would say confidenshally tu him:
"_Son_, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frameing yure timber, but yu kan
bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid
for yet, that from now hereafter yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out
yure gardin sass, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild
oats, and underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch and
fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will not disgrace
both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew market."
This iz the way i would converse with the young Billings, and if he
didn't begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but
begin tew argy the pint with me, and ackt yung rooster up and down in
front ov me, mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and
let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph than
he waz.
It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if sum
philanthropisst, about thirty years ago, had got mi knob in chancery,
and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my hed the fresh
water noshun that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the
wilderness waz not tew take enny compass.
This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, haz landed four
hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, before they had got half way
thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the
close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in
their younger daze, tew make * * * phools ov themselfs.
I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov a boy, who
haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the
torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler "amen" before the
prayer iz haff through; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene
children tew cork up their litening.
I don't want enny body's boy Billy tew be a ded hed; a skim-milk cheeze;
a colporter of water gruel; a putty babeling; a kurl-papered nussery
doll; an apron-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse amung hiz phellows,
afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten.
I ain't voting for this breed ov boys; i only ask the virginity ov mi
sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have
observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but
apprentiss; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew
plant.
There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose; even before he gits fairly
haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust wiggle a correct pattern
for hiz last one. She makes him a snaik from the word "go," and nothing
else, and if he takes a noshun tew go tew the devil--who cares?
But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inheritance ov a
camphene boy, i don't kno ov a more dangerous one than tew be hiz own
master, or the master ov hiz daddy.
I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn't ketch, who hav
dodged him suckcessfully for the whole ov their lives, but i kan tell
you, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew match yourselfs against the
devil, even if you hav a ded soft thing. This beating the devil at his
own game, is like surviving the small pox, it may make yu proff agin sum
more small pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents.
Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be personal, they
wouldn't fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would fit the back stretch
ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin broke tew stand without
tieing.