Toaster's Handbo
章节目录
共 1074 题- TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
- Compiled by
- PEGGY EDMUND
- HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS
- Introductions by
- MARY KATHARINE REELY
- CONTENTS
- PREFACE
- ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR
- TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS
- TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
- INDEX
- PREFACE
- ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR
- TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS
- TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
- ABILITY
- ABOLITION
- ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
- SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living."
- HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb."
- ACCIDENTS
- ACTING
- ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
- SUB-MANAGER--"Yes, Mr. Montgomery."
- LEADING MAN--"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!"
- SUB-MANAGER--"Why?"
- SUB-MANAGER--"Um--well--we'll put on Macbeth!"
- HE--"But what reason have you for refusing to marry me?"
- SHE--"Papa objects. He says you are an actor."
- ADAPTATION
- ADDRESSES
- ADVERTISING
- ADVICE
- AERONAUTICS
- AEROPLANES
- AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
- AGE
- AGENTS
- AGRICULTURE
- ALARM CLOCKS
- ALERTNESS
- ALIBI
- ALIMONY
- ALLOWANCES
- ALTERNATIVES
- ALTRUISM
- WILLIE--"Pa!"
- PA--"Yes."
- WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others."
- PA--"Of course we are."
- WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?"
- AMBITION
- AMERICAN GIRL
- AMERICANS
- AMUSEMENTS
- ANATOMY
- JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?"
- TOMMY--"About forty."
- ANCESTRY
- ANGER
- ANNIVERSARIES
- MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?"
- ANTIDOTES
- APPEARANCES
- APPLAUSE
- ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
- ARITHMETIC
- SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic."
- JOHNNY--"About $3 interest."
- ARMIES
- ARMY RATIONS
- ART
- ARTISTS
- ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose."
- CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?"
- ARTIST--"How I do it?"
- CRITIC "No; why you do it."
- ATHLETES
- ATTENTION
- AUTHORS
- THE AUTHOR--"Would you advise me to get out a small edition?"
- FAST FRIEND--"Who from?"
- AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"The express company. They lost it."
- AUTOMOBILES
- BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car."
- AUTOMOBILING
- AVIATION
- AVIATORS
- BABIES
- BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
- BACTERIA
- BADGES
- BAGGAGE
- BALDNESS
- BANKS AND BANKING
- BAPTISM
- BAPTISTS
- BARGAINS
- SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department."
- BASEBALL
- BATHS AND BATHING
- BAZARS
- BEARDS
- BEAUTY
- BEAUTY, PERSONAL
- Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur."
- The time expired, Pat announced: "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, you get the prize."
- KATE--"Then you must consider my refusal as final."
- BEDS
- BEER
- BEES
- TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?"
- TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!"
- BEETLES
- BEGGING
- MAN--"Is there any reason why I should give you five cents?"
- BETTING
- BIBLE INTERPRETATION
- BIGAMY
- BILLS
- PATIENT (_angrily_)--"The size of your bill makes my blood boil."
- DOCTOR--"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your system."
- BIRTHDAYS
- BLUFFING
- BLUNDERS
- He canceled his order for a "box for two."
- BOASTING
- WILLIE--"All the stores closed on the day my uncle died."
- BONANZAS
- BOOKKEEPING
- BOOKS AND READING
- LADY PRESIDENT--"What book has helped you most?"
- BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING
- CLERK--"What is it, please?"
- CUSTOMER--"I would like Ibsen's _A Doll's House_."
- CLERK--"To cut out?"
- BOOKWORMS
- BOOMERANGS
- BORES
- BORROWERS
- BOSSES
- BOSTON
- The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston."
- BOXING
- BOYS
- BREAKFAST FOODS
- BREATH
- BREVITY
- BRIBERY
- BRIDES
- BRIDGE WHIST
- BROOKLYN
- At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?"
- BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS
- BUILDINGS
- BURGLARS
- BUSINESS
- Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: "Have you any other business?"
- BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
- BUSINESS ETHICS
- BUSINESS WOMEN
- CAMPAIGNS
- CAMPING
- CANDIDATES
- CANNING AND PRESERVING
- CAPITALISTS
- CAREFULNESS
- CARPENTERS
- CARVING
- CASTE
- CATS
- CAUSE AND EFFECT
- BINKS--"The Welsh rabbit did it."
- BUNKS--"No; it was the lobster."
- BONKS--"I think it was the mince pie."
- CAUTION
- CHAMPAGNE
- MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?"
- CHARACTER
- CHARITY
- CHICAGO
- CHICKEN STEALING
- CHILD LABOR
- CHILDREN
- CHOICES
- CHOIRS
- CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
- CHRISTIANS
- CHRISTMAS GIFTS
- CHRONOLOGY
- ENGLISHMAN--"Before Carnegie, I presume."
- CHURCH ATTENDANCE
- CHURCH DISCIPLINE
- CIRCUS
- CIVILIZATION
- CLEANLINESS
- CLERGY
- As before, the mother replied: "No, your papa must not be disturbed."
- CLIMATE
- CLOTHING
- CLUBS
- COAL DEALERS
- COEDUCATION
- And a loud, masculine voice in the audience replied: "I will!"
- COFFEE
- COINS
- COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
- COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
- COLLEGE GRADUATES
- COLLEGE STUDENTS
- FRESHMAN--"I have a sliver in my finger."
- SOP--"Been scratching your head?"
- STUDE--"Do you smoke, professor?"
- PROF.--"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar."
- STUDE--"Do you drink, sir?"
- PROF.--"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle of wine."
- The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father Isaac."
- Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father Jacob."
- STUDE.--"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?"
- FRIEND--"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave."
- STUDE--"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two bucks."
- COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
- COMMON SENSE
- COMMUTERS
- COMPARISONS
- The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's dance."
- COMPENSATION
- COMPETITION
- COMPLIMENTS
- COMPOSERS
- COMPROMISES
- Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it."
- CONFESSIONS
- CONGRESS
- CONGRESSMEN
- CONSCIENCE
- CONSEQUENCES
- CONSIDERATION
- CONSTANCY
- CONTRIBUTION BOX
- APPLICANT--"Pass around the hat, sir."
- POLICE COMMISSIONER--"That'll do; you're engaged."
- CONUNDRUMS
- CONVERSATION
- HUS (during a quarrel)--"You talk like an idiot."
- WIFE--"I've got to talk so you can understand me."
- COOKERY
- COOKS
- CORNETS
- CORNS
- CORPULENCE
- COSMOPOLITANISM
- COST OF LIVING
- TOM--"What does he say?"
- DICK--"Go easy on the butter, kids, it's forty cents a pound."
- COUNTRY LIFE
- VISITOR--"You have a fine road leading from the station."
- SUBUBS--"That's the path worn by servant-girls."
- COURAGE
- AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?"
- BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was."
- COURTESY
- COURTS
- COURTSHIP
- SPOONLEIGH--"Does your sister always look under the bed?"
- COWARDS
- MR. PECK (_valiantly_)--"Humph! I should keep perfectly cool, my dear."
- COWS
- CRITICISM
- SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?"
- FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!"
- CRUELTY
- CUCUMBERS
- CULTURE
- CURFEW
- CURIOSITY
- CYCLONES
- DACHSHUNDS
- DAMAGES
- DANCING
- DEAD BEATS
- DEBTS
- WILLIS--"He calls himself a dynamo."
- I hold every man a debtor to his profession.--_Bacon_.
- DEER
- DEGREES
- DEMOCRACY
- DEMOCRATIC PARTY
- MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic."
- DENTISTRY
- DENTISTS
- DESCRIPTION
- DESIGN, DECORATIVE
- DESTINATION
- DETAILS
- DETECTIVES
- DETERMINATION
- MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead."
- BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone at last."
- MERCHANT (_not appreciating the shrug_)--"Well, sir, he was a good man."
- BROKER (_with shrug more pronounced_)--"I don't know about that."
- BROKER (_doggedly_)--"I don't know about that."
- DIAGNOSIS
- DIET
- DILEMMAS
- DINING
- DIPLOMACY
- WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home."
- DISCIPLINE
- DISCOUNTS
- DISCRETION
- DISPOSITION
- DISTANCES
- DIVORCE
- DOGS
- DOMESTIC FINANCE
- DOMESTIC RELATIONS
- DRAMA
- HARRY--"Huh! I've got a laundryman as good as that."
- DRAMATIC CRITICISM
- DRAMATISTS
- DRESSMAKERS
- WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter."
- HUSBAND--"What letter?"
- HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill."
- DRINKING
- DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink."
- HUSBAND--"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"
- DROUGHTS
- DRUNKARDS
- MAGISTRATE--"And what was the prisoner doing?"
- MAGISTRATE--"But that doesn't prove he was drunk."
- CONSTABLE--"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer worship."
- McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall."
- DYSPEPSIA
- ECHOES
- ECONOMY
- EDITORS
- EDUCATION
- EFFICIENCY
- EGOTISM
- ELECTIONS
- Then he went on--"Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."
- WILLIS--"What's the election today for? Anybody happen to know?"
- ELECTRICITY
- And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning."
- EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
- EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES
- EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Have you any advice to a struggling young employee?"
- FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"Yes. Don't work."
- EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Don't work?"
- FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"No. Become an employer."
- ENEMIES
- ENGLAND
- ENGLISH LANGUAGE
- ENGLISHMEN
- ENTHUSIASM
- EPITAPHS
- LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!"
- HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?"
- HIS FATHER--"And what were your thoughts after you had done so?"
- I expected it, but I didn't expect it quite so soon.--_Life_.
- EPITHETS
- EQUALITY
- ERMINE
- ESCAPES
- ETHICS
- ETIQUET
- LITTLE BROTHER--"What's etiquet?"
- TOMMY'S AUNT--"Won't you have another piece of cake, Tommy?"
- TOMMY (on a visit)--"No, I thank you."
- TOMMY'S AUNT--"You seem to be suffering from loss of appetite."
- EUROPEAN WAR
- MOTHER--"What makes you say that, darling?"
- EVIDENCE
- EXAMINATIONS
- EXCUSES
- EXPOSURE
- TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure."
- EXTORTION
- EXTRAVAGANCE
- FAILURES
- FAITH
- FAITHFULNESS
- FAME
- FAMILIES
- FAREWELLS
- FASHION
- FATE
- FATHERS
- FAULTS
- FEES
- FEET
- BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?"
- LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?"
- FIGHTING
- VILLAGE GROCER--"What are you running for, sonny?"
- BOY--"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'."
- VILLAGE GROCER--"Who are the fellows?"
- FINANCE
- HICKS--"I've got to borrow $200 somewhere."
- WICKS--"Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about it."
- FINGER-BOWLS
- FIRE DEPARTMENTS
- FIRE ESCAPES
- FIRES
- FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
- FISH
- FISHERMEN
- FISHING
- FLATS
- FLATTERY
- OLD MAID--"But why should a great strong man like you be found begging?"
- FLIES
- FLIRTATION
- FLOWERS
- FOOD
- FOOTBALL
- His SISTER--"His nose seems broken."
- His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth."
- FORDS
- FORECASTING
- FORESIGHT
- FORGETFULNESS
- FORTUNE HUNTERS
- SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancée."
- H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"
- S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir."
- H.F.--"What have you to live on?"
- S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."
- HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."
- SHE--"Why?"
- JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"
- FOUNTAIN PENS
- FOURTH OF JULY
- FREAKS
- FREE THOUGHT
- TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?"
- POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married."
- FRENCH LANGUAGE
- FRESHMEN
- FRIENDS
- FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
- FRIENDSHIP
- FUN
- FUNERALS
- FURNITURE
- GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"
- FUTURE LIFE
- GARDENING
- GAS STOVES
- GENEROSITY
- GENTLEMEN
- GERMANS
- GHOSTS
- GIFTS
- After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: "O Lord, hit 'im again!"
- GLUTTONY
- GOLF
- GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent--
- WILLIE--"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf."
- GOOD FELLOWSHIP
- GOSSIP
- MAUD--"That story you told about Alice isn't worth repeating."
- KATE--"It's young yet; give it time."
- SON--"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"
- FATHER--"Because they are too polite to leave off the 'e.'"
- GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
- GOVERNORS
- Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a governor?"
- GRAFT
- DOCTOR--"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?"
- GRATITUDE
- YOUNG MAN--"Yes; come and be a cook for us."
- GREAT BRITAIN
- GRIEF
- GUARANTEES
- TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?"
- GUARD--"Yes, sir."
- TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?"
- GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!"
- GUESTS
- HABIT
- When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"
- HADES
- HAPPINESS
- HARNESSING
- HARVARD UNIVERSITY
- HASH
- HASTE
- HEALTH RESORTS
- HEARING
- HEAVEN
- HEIRLOOMS
- HELL
- HEREDITY
- HEROES
- MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"
- MR. SCRAPER--"I reckon I am."
- MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a hero."
- HINTING
- HOME
- HOMELINESS
- HOMESTEADS
- HONESTY
- PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."
- HONOR
- HOPE
- HORSES
- HOSPITALITY
- HOSTS
- HOTELS
- HUNGER
- HUNTING
- HURRY
- HUSBANDS
- NEIGHBOR--"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now?"
- MR. HENPECK--"Is my wife going out, Jane?"
- JANE--"Yessir."
- MR. HENPECK--"Do you know if I am going with her?"
- HOPKINS BROS.
- MR. FARAWAY--"No. To avoid contradicting myself."
- HYBRIDIZATION
- HYPERBOLE
- HYPOCRISY
- TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"
- IDEALS
- ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
- IMAGINATION
- IMITATION
- INFANTS
- INQUISITIVENESS
- INSANITY
- INSPIRATIONS
- INSTALMENT PLAN
- INSTRUCTIONS
- INSURANCE, LIFE
- INSURANCE BLANKS
- INSURGENTS
- INTERVIEWS
- INVITATIONS
- MADELINE--"Who was speaking?"
- MARION--"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."
- IRISH BULLS
- MAGISTRATE--"You admit you stole the pig?"
- PRISONER--"I 'ave to."
- MRS. SMITH--"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."
- IRISHMEN
- IRREVERENCE
- JEWELS
- JEWS
- JOKES
- BOGGS--"What luck did you have with them?"
- NEW CONGRESSMAN--"What can I do for you, sir?"
- JOURNALISM
- JUDGES
- JUDGMENT
- HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women."
- JURY
- JUSTICE
- JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
- KENTUCKY
- KINDNESS
- KINGS AND RULERS
- KISSES
- KNOWLEDGE
- KULTUR
- LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
- LADIES
- LANDLORDS
- LANGUAGES
- LAUGHTER
- TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom."
- FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted."
- LAW
- LAWYERS
- J. SNIPPEN."
- I am, sir, with great respect, your most obedient servant,
- BARCLAY B. COKE."
- LAZINESS
- LEAP YEAR
- LEGISLATORS
- LIARS
- 1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone.
- FATHER (reprovingly)--"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?"
- JOHNNY--"Yes, sir; they lie still."
- LIBERTY
- LIBRARIANS
- AS ASKED FOR CORRECT TITLE
- LIFE
- LISPING
- LOST AND FOUND
- CHINAMAN--"You tellee me where railroad depot?"
- CITIZEN--"What's the matter, John? Lost?"
- CHINAMAN--"No! me here. Depot lost."
- LOVE
- MAUDE--"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold."
- ETHEL--"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"
- MAUDE--"His creditors."
- RICH MAN--"Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?"
- SUITOR--"Why, certainly!"
- RICH MAN--"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family."
- LOYALTY
- POLICEMAN--"Why didn't you tell me before?"
- BOY--"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago."
- LUCK
- MAINE
- MAKING GOOD
- MALARIA
- MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
- MARRIAGE
- MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?"
- JENNIE--"What makes George such a pessimist?"
- HIS BETTER HALF--"But why wait? I didn't!"
- Smith smiled. "So far," he replied, "no major matters have come up."
- TOM--"Poor Sarer!"
- TIM--"An' a cop fished 'er out again."
- TOM--"Poor Bill!"
- STRANGER--"What's the fight about?"
- SHE--"How did they ever come to marry?"
- HOUSEHOLDER--"Here, drop that coat and clear out!"
- MARRIAGE FEES
- MATHEMATICS
- MATRIMONY
- MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
- MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
- PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"
- MEDICINE
- MEEKNESS
- MEMORIALS
- MEMORY
- MEN
- MESSAGES
- METAPHOR
- MICE
- MIDDLE CLASSES
- WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?"
- MILITANTS
- MILITARY DISCIPLINE
- MILLINERS
- MILLIONAIRES
- MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you this minute!"
- MINORITIES
- MISERS
- MISSIONARIES
- SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!"
- MISSIONS
- MISTAKEN IDENTITY
- MOLLYCODDLES
- MONEY
- MORAL EDUCATION
- MOSQUITOES
- MOTHERS
- THE LADY--"Little boy, haven't you any home?"
- THE LITTLE BOY--"Oh, yes'm; I've got a home."
- THE LADY--"And loving parents?"
- THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."
- THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."
- THE LADY--"Are they bringing you up to be a good and helpful citizen?"
- THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."
- MOTHERS-IN-LAW
- SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?"
- HE--"By Jove! I hadn't thought of that."
- WAITER--"Have another glass, sir?"
- HUSBAND (to his wife)--"Shall I have another glass, Henrietta?"
- WIFE (to her mother)--"Shall he have another, mother?"
- MOTORCYCLES
- MOUNTAINS
- MOVING PICTURES
- MUCK-RAKING
- MULES
- MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
- MUSEUMS
- MUSIC
- MUSICIANS
- BOY--"Yes, sir."
- FATHER-"And what did he say?"
- NAMES, PERSONAL
- FRIEND-"So your great Russian actor was a total failure?"
- NATIVES
- NATURE LOVERS
- NAVIGATION
- NEATNESS
- NEGROES
- NEIGHBORS
- THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner."
- THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
- THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did."
- NEW JERSEY
- NEW YORK CITY
- NEWS
- NEWSPAPERS
- THE EDITOR--"Mebbe not; but I got four barrels of samples."
- COLONEL HIGHFLYER--"What are your rates per column?"
- EDITOR--"You wish a position as a proofreader?"
- APPLICANT--"Yes, sir."
- OBESITY
- OBITUARIES
- OBSERVATION
- OCCUPATIONS
- SMITH--"Yes. Well, you see the doctor said I needed a change of air."
- OCEAN
- OFFICE BOYS
- OFFICE-SEEKERS
- OLD AGE
- OLD MASTERS
- ONIONS
- SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away."
- HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away."
- OPERA
- OPPORTUNITY
- OPTIMISM
- ORATORS
- OUTDOOR LIFE
- PAINTING
- PAINTINGS
- PANICS
- PARENTS
- Without glancing at him, William said disdainfully, "The wire's busy."
- BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)--"A orphan."
- PARROTS
- PARTNERSHIP
- PASSWORDS
- PATIENCE
- PATRIOTISM
- PENSIONS
- WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace."
- PESSIMISM
- PHILADELPHIA
- PHILANTHROPISTS
- PHILOSOPHY
- PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
- FIRST DOCTOR--"I operated on him for appendicitis."
- DOCTOR--"You did right to call me in, dear lady."
- MEDICAL STUDENT--"What did you operate on that man for?"
- EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars."
- MEDICAL STUDENT--"I mean what did he have?"
- EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars."
- PICKPOCKETS
- PINS
- PITTSBURG
- PLAY
- PLEASURE
- WILLIE--"I bet I did."
- BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?"
- POETRY
- POETS
- EDITOR--"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?"
- JOKESMITH--"No, sir."
- POLICE
- POLITENESS
- POLITICAL PARTIES
- ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?"
- POLITICIANS
- POLITICIAN--"Congratulate me, my dear, I've won the nomination."
- HIS WIFE (in surprise)--"Honestly?"
- POLITICS
- LITTLE CLARENCE (who has an inquiring mind)--"Papa, the Forty Thieves--"
- POVERTY
- PRAISE
- WIFE (complainingly)--"You never praise me up to any one."
- PRAYER MEETINGS
- PRAYERS
- TOMMY--"No, sir; but I would pray for another like him."
- PREACHING
- PRESCRIPTIONS
- PRESENCE OF MIND
- PRINTERS
- PRISONS
- PRODIGALS
- PROFANITY
- FIRST DEAF MUTE--"He wasn't so very angry, was he?"
- The little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said, "Darn!"
- PROHIBITION
- PROMOTING
- PROMOTION
- PROMPTNESS
- PRONUNCIATION
- PROPORTION
- PROPOSALS
- PROPRIETY
- PROSPERITY
- PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH
- PROTESTANTS
- PROVIDENCE
- PROVINCIALISM
- PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS
- PUBLIC SPEAKERS
- ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?"
- EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?"
- EDITOR--"Well, what further proof do you want?"
- LOCAL MEMBER OF SOCIETY--"Not at all, sir. I'm the second speaker."
- PUNISHMENT
- TEACHER--"What rot! Your father is too sympathetic."
- PUPIL--"No, ma'am; but he's got the rheumatism in both arms."
- PUNS
- PURE FOOD
- QUARRELS
- QUESTIONS
- The retort came like a flash: "Are you still beating your wife?"
- QUOTATIONS
- RACE PREJUDICES
- RACE PRIDE
- RACE SUICIDE
- RACES
- RAILROADS
- RAPID TRANSIT
- READING
- REAL ESTATE AGENTS
- Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib."
- ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie."
- NELLY--"No, it is not."
- REALISM
- RECALL
- SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?"
- JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum."
- RECOMMENDATIONS
- MISTRESS--"Have you a reference?"
- BRIDGET--"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got it."
- The Captain said: "Yes, I remember."
- RECONCILIATIONS
- REFORMERS
- LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer."
- And said a bored voice in the audience: "Chloroform."
- REGRETS
- REHEARSALS
- RELATIVES
- RELIGIONS
- REMEDIES
- MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?"
- MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!"
- SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it."
- SUFFERER--"I think I will. Is your wife at home now?"
- REMINDERS
- REPARTEE
- SEEDY VISITOR--"Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?"
- BOATMAN--"Not very many, sir. You're the first I've seen this season."
- TRAVELER--"Say, boy, your corn looks kind of yellow."
- BOY--"Yes, sir. That's the kind we planted."
- TRAVELER--"Looks as though you will only have half a crop."
- BOY--"Don't expect any more. The landlord gets the other half."
- BOY--"No, sir. Only the fence."
- REPORTING
- REPUBLICAN PARTY
- REPUTATION
- RESEMBLANCES
- NEIGHBOR: "Johnny, I think in looks you favor your mother a great deal."
- JOHNNY: "Well. I may look like her, but do you tink dat's a favor?"
- RESIGNATION
- RESPECTABILITY
- REST CURE
- RETALIATION
- REVOLUTIONS
- REWARDS
- RHEUMATISM
- ROADS
- ROASTS
- ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
- SALARIES
- SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
- Watermelons
- VISITOR--"Can I see that motorist who was brought here an hour ago?"
- NURSE--"He hasn't come to his senses yet."
- SALOONS
- SALVATION
- SAVING
- JOHNNY--"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?"
- PAPA--"Certainly, my son."
- SCANDAL
- SCHOLARSHIP
- SCHOOLS
- SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
- SCOTCH, THE
- SEASICKNESS
- SEASONS
- SENATORS
- SENSE OF HUMOR
- SENTRIES
- SERMONS
- SERVANTS
- POP--"Probably the cook, my son."
- MRS. S.--"Yes, but the dessert was made by her successor."
- MISTRESS--"Who is your intended, Delia?"
- THE NEW GIRL--"I don't know yet, ma'am. I'm a stranger in town."
- MRS. LITTLETOWN--"This magazine looks rather the worse for wear."
- MRS. LITTLETOWN--"Doesn't she get tired of always reading the same one?"
- MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"What is your name?"
- APPLICANT FOR COOKSHIP--"Miss Arlington."
- MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"Do you expect to be called Miss Arlington?"
- APPLICANT---"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in my room."
- SHOPPING
- EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy."
- CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!"
- SHYNESS
- SIGNS
- SILENCE
- BALL-"What is silence?"
- HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience."
- SIN
- SINGERS
- SKATING
- SKY-SCRAPERS
- SLEEP
- SMILES
- SMOKING
- SNEEZING
- SNOBBERY
- SNORING
- SOCIALISTS
- SOCIETY
- SOLECISMS
- SONS
- SOUVENIRS
- SPECULATION
- SPEED
- SPINSTERS
- SPITE
- SPRING
- STAMMERING
- STATESMEN
- STATISTICS
- PATIENT--"Tell me candidly, Doc, do you think I'll pull through?"
- STEAK
- STEAM
- STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS
- STENOGRAPHERS
- STOCK BROKERS
- STRATEGY
- SUBWAYS
- SUCCESS
- SUFFRAGETTES
- SLASHER--"Been in a fight?"
- SUICIDE
- SUMMER RESORTS
- SUNDAY
- CORKY--"Sure t'ing!"
- TEACHER--"And why is it nice of them, Corky?"
- CORKY--"Aw, it leaves more room on de ice! See?"
- SUNDAY SCHOOLS
- The teacher asked: "When did Moses live?"
- A boy answered: "Moses, 4000."
- SUPERSTITION
- SURPRISE
- SWIMMERS
- SYMPATHY
- SYNONYMS
- TABLE MANNERS
- TACT
- TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
- TALENT
- TALKERS
- B--"Would you mind telling me what it was?"
- TARDINESS
- TARIFF
- TASTE
- TEACHERS
- SON--"She always kisses me when I get them right."
- WILLIE--"Under your desk."
- TEARS
- Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye cryin' fer?"
- TEETH
- TELEPHONE
- OPERATOR--"Number, please."
- TEMPER
- TEMPERANCE
- TEXAS
- TEXTS
- THEATER
- THIEVES
- RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."
- RASTUS--"Oh, a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."
- THIN PEOPLE
- THRIFT
- TIDES
- TIME
- MRS. CASEY--"Shure, he's good for a year yit."
- MRS. MURPHY--"As long as thot?"
- FATHER--"Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank you."
- MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)--"Yesterday."
- TIPS
- TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
- TOASTS
- TOBACCO
- TOURISTS
- TRADE UNIONS
- ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir."
- TRAMPS
- LADY--"Can't you find work?"
- TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer."
- LADY--"And can't you get one?"
- TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years."
- TRANSMUTATION
- TRAVELERS
- TREASON
- TREES
- CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?"
- FATHER--"They do, my son."
- CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?"
- FATHER--"The pantry, my son."
- TRIGONOMETRY
- TROUBLE
- JUDGE--"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted."
- TRUSTS
- DEWLEY--"Is the machine on the market yet?"
- TRUTH
- TURKEYS
- TUTORS
- TWINS
- UMBRELLAS
- VALUE
- VANITY
- VERSATILITY
- VOICE
- WAGES
- WAITERS
- WAR
- WARNINGS
- WASHINGTON, GEORGE
- WASPS
- WASTE
- WEALTH
- WEATHER
- WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
- WEDDING PRESENTS
- FIGHT ON; FIGHT EVER.
- WEDDINGS
- WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
- WELCOMES
- WEST, THE
- COWBOY--"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am."
- WHISKY
- WHISKY BREATH
- WIDOWS
- WIND
- VISITOR--"What became of that other windmill that was here last year?"
- NATIVE--"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it down."
- WINDFALLS
- WINE
- WISHES
- WITNESSES
- WIVES
- CASEY--"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?"
- CLANCY--"Loike phwat?"
- PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."
- MIKE--"She is thot."
- PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"
- MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"
- SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."
- SON--"May I stay up till he does?"
- PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."
- MIKE--"She is thot."
- PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"
- MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"
- SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."
- SON--"May I stay up till he does?"
- WOMAN
- WOMAN SUFFRAGE
- MR. E.N. QUIRE--"What are those women mauling that man for?"
- MAMIE--"I believe in woman's rights."
- GERTIE--"Then you think every woman should have a vote?"
- WOMEN'S CLUBS
- WORDS
- WORK
- WORMS
- YALE UNIVERSITY
- YONKERS
- ZONES
- TEACHER--"How many zones has the earth?"
- PUPIL--"Five."
- TEACHER--"Correct. Name them."
- INDEX
- UMBRELLAS
- ZONES