HER DAD--"No, sir; I won't have my daughter tied for life to a stupid
fool."
HER SUITOR--"Then don't you think you'd better let me take her off your
hands?"
Wendell Phillips was traveling through Ohio once when he fell in with a
car full of ministers returning from a convention. One of the ministers,
a southerner from Kentucky, was naturally not very cordial to the
opinions of the great abolitionist and set out to embarrass Mr.
Phillips. So, before the group of ministers, he said:
"You are Wendell Phillips, are you not?"
"Yes," answered the great abolitionist.
"And you are trying to free the niggers, aren't you?"
"Yes, sir; I am."
"Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? Why don't you go over
into Kentucky?"
"Excuse me, are you a preacher?"
"I am, sir."
"Are you trying to save souls from hell?"
"Yes, sir; that is my business."
"Well, why don't you go there then?" asked Mr. Phillips.
SOLEMN SENIOR--"So your efforts to get on the team were fruitless, were
they?"
FOOLISH FRESHMAN--"Oh, no! Not at all. They gave me a lemon."--_Harvard
Lampoon_.
A benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windlassing rock from
a shaft while the broiling sun was beating down on his bare head.
"My dear man," observed the onlooker, "are you not afraid that your
brain will be affected in the hot sun?"
The laborer contemplated him for a moment and then replied:
"Do you think a man with any brains would be working at this kind of a
job?"
Winston Churchill, the young English statesman, recently began to raise
a mustache, and while it was still in the budding stage he was asked at
a dinner party to take in to dinner an English girl who had decided
opposing political views.
"I am sorry," said Mr. Churchill, "we cannot agree on politics."
"No, we can't," rejoined the girl, "for to be frank with you I like your
politics about as little as I do your mustache."
"Well," replied Mr. Churchill, "remember that you are not likely to come
into contact with either."
Strickland Gillilan, the lecturer and the man who pole-vaulted into fame
by his "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in, Finnigin" verses, was about to deliver a
lecture in a small Missouri town. He asked the chairman of the committee
whether he might have a small pitcher of ice-water on the platform
table.
"To drink?" queried the committeeman.
"No," answered Gillilan. "I do a high-diving act."