"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who
wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."
It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged
his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big,
square-jawed woman with a determined eye.
"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to
your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.
"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
overtook me."
"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return
one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"
"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"
"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.
"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"
Flora dried her tears.
"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to
you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course,
I--I opened it."
"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.
"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"
"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"
"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into
fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't
f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"
"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.
"'Yes, here they are.'
"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry
yo' got 'em, boss!'
"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'
"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry
Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'
Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'
"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost
you fifty cents more.'
"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change
made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.
"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'
"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'
"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter
Johnson after all.'
"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you
change your mind again?'
"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't
fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"
A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew
on buttons before they come off.
"What are you cutting out of the paper?"
"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
through his pockets."
"What are you going to do with it?"
"Put it in my pocket."
A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight
wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth,
and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.
"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"
"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.
"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"
"Yes."
"Then you must be as strong as a man!"
"I am."
"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your
husband--would you?"
"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.
The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads.
Then the oldest said softly:
"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife.
He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.