"I'm well; I like my yob. We got cremated cellar, cemetery plumbing,
elastic lights and a hoosit."
"What's a 'hoosit,' Katje?"
"Oh, a bell rings. You put a thing to your ear and say 'Hello,' and
then some one says 'Hello,' and you say 'Hoosit.'"
"There's a story in this paper of a woman that used a telephone for
the first time in eighty-three years."
"She must be on a party line."
The girl at the exchange, after you have waited fully ten minutes:
"They don't answer. What number was it you wanted?"
EXCITABLE PARTY (at telephone)--"Hello? Who is this? Who is this, I
say?"
MAN AT OTHER END--"Haven't got time to guess riddles. Tell me yourself
who you are."
"I believe," said the impatient man, as he put aside the telephone,
"that I'll go fishing."
"Didn't know you cared for fishing."
"I don't ordinarily. But it's the only chance I have of finding myself
at the end of a line that isn't busy."
"Has the line been busy?" asked the man with a nickel poised between
his thumb and forefinger.
"No," answered the precise operator. "The line wasn't busy. I was."
"What name are you calling?" asked the telephone-girl over the wire.
"McCohan," the customer answered.
"I beg pardon?" asked the girl.
The man repeated it.
The wire was silent for a moment, then the girl said: "Wait a moment,
please. I think the wires are crossed."
"I once knew an eccentric man," stated old Festus Pester, "who when he
had got the desired number on the telephone did not demand fiercely,
'Whizz ziss?' Instead he invariably said civilly, 'This is John J.
Poppendick, wishing to speak to Mr. Buckover.' His funeral was the
largest ever held in the neighborhood where he had resided, and
thereat strong men broke down and wept like children, being convinced
that they would never again see his like."--_Judge_.
Pat walked into the post-office. After getting into the telephone-box
he called a wrong number. As there was no such number, the
switch-attendant did not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received
no answer.
The lady of the post-office opened the door and told him to shout a
little louder, which he did, but still no answer.
Again she said he would have to speak louder.
Pat got angry at this, and turning to the lady said:
"Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn't use your bloomin'
ould telephone at all!"
_See also_ Strategy.
TEMPER
Little Molly had been very trying all day. That evening, when her
grown-up sister was putting her to bed, she said she hoped the child
would be a better girl tomorrow, and not make everybody unhappy with
her naughty temper.
Molly listened in silence, thought hard for a few moments, and then
said, wisely:
"Yes, when it's me it's temper; when it's you it's nerves."
TEMPERANCE
THE MAN (to a New York waiter)--"--and a glass of good beer!"
THE WAITER--"Sorry, sir. We only serve temperance beverages."
THE MAN--"Why, I got beer in Rhode Island."
THE WAITER--"Maybe you did, sir. But that was only by an act of
Providence."
A temperance lecturer was enthusiastically denouncing the use of all
intoxicants.
"I wish all the beer, all the wine, all the whiskey in the world was
at the bottom of the ocean," he said.
Hastily Pat arose to his feet.
"Sure, and so do I, sor," he shouted. "I wish every bit of it was at
the bottom of the sea."
As they were leaving the hall the lecturer encountered Pat.
"I certainly am proud of you," he said. "It was a brave thing for you
to rise and say what you did. Are you a teetotaler?"
"No, indade, sor," answered Pat. "I'm a diver."
Mayor Fitzgerald of Boston, at a recent temperance banquet was
discussing a drink cure of little efficacy.
"When I think of this cure." he said "I recall a poor old man with a
red nose, who entered a magistrate's office and said:
"I'd like to take the pledge if you please."
"Very good," said the polite clerk, "and how long did you wish to take
it for?"
"In the past," said the old man, "I've always took it for life."
TEMPTATION
Most of us keep at least one eye on the temptation we pray not to be
led into.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The Ten Commandments seem to be off on a vacation. Or have they gone
in search of the Fourteen Points?
THEATER
Reynold Wolf tells this one of Nora Bayes:
Once Miss Bayes was appearing in a breakfast scene where eggs were
being served, and a child sitting in a box made manifest his interest
in the food. Stepping down to the footlights she tendered the
youngster an egg, but his mother drew back her child with a sign of
annoyance.
"You should let the young man take it," said Miss Bayes, quietly. "It
is unique for eggs to be passed from this side of the footlights."
A big fat man at the theater sat on his overcoat. Thus the little man
behind him could not see at all.
"I can't see anything, mister," said the little man plaintively,
touching the big man on the shoulder.
"Can't see anything, hey?"
"No, sir, I can't see a thing."
"Well, then, I'll fix you up. Just keep your eye on me, and laugh when
I do."
A vast and determined-looking woman wore a very large hat one evening
at the theater.
"Madam," said the attendant politely, "I must request you to remove
your hat. It is annoying this gentleman behind you."
The massive lady turned and haughtily surveyed the complainant. "Do
you mean that little weedy, undersized creature?" she asked.
"This gentleman behind you," the attendant corrected her.
The lady settled herself down in her place. "You will find it easier
and pleasanter," she said, decisively, "to remove him!"
A Clergyman once wrote to Edwin Booth, the famous tragedian, asking
if he might be admitted to Booth's theater by a private door, because,
though he very much wished to see Booth act, he didn't like the idea
of being seen entering a theater. Booth wrote back, "Sir, there is no
door into my theater through which God can not see."
AUNT MARY (visiting in the city)--"I want to hear at least one of your
famous grand-opera singers and then see some of your leading actors."
NEPHEW (to office boy)--"Jimmy, get us some tickets for the vaudeville
and movies."--_Life_.
THERMOMETER
Hotel men cannot be niggardly. They must not imitate old Cornelius
Husk. Old Corn Husk, you know, saw his boy the other day carrying the
thermometer from the kitchen out into the yard.
"Watcha doin' wi' thet thar thermometer, boy?" he asked.
"I wanter git the difference in temperacher, pop, betwixt inside and
outside," the son answered.
"Wall, quit it," snapped old Corn Husk, "Keepin' the mercury runnin'
up and down the tube like that, fust thing ye know the durn
thing'll be worn out, and long'll go twenty-five cents for another
thermometer."
THIEVES
He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were very large.
He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and furtively, while the
greengrocer bustled about serving customers. Now he edged near the
tempting basket. Now he edged away again. And at last the greengrocer
thought it time to intervene.
"Now then, Tommy," he exclaimed, "what are you doing?"
"Nothin'," replied the small boy.
"Nothin', eh?" said the greengrocer. "Well, it looks to me as though
you are trying to steal those apples."
"You're wrong!" retorted the nipper, "I'm trying not to."
A carpenter, sent to make some repairs in a private house entered the
apartment of the lady of the house with his apprentice and began to
work.
"Mary," the lady said to her maid, "see that my jewel-case is locked
up at once!"
The carpenter understood. He removed his watch and chain from his vest
in a significant manner and handed them to his apprentice.
"John," said he, "take these right back to the shop. It seems that
this house isn't safe."--_Harper's_.
In the office of the prison warden at Canon City, Colorado, a clever
and notorious swindler was being divested of the contents of his
pockets. As each article was removed, it was carefully examined,
listed and then placed temporarily on a nearby desk. Among the
articles was a badly tarnished silver dollar, barely distinguishable
as money.
At the conclusion of the search, the prisoner pointed to the
dull-looking coin and in a suppliant tone asked the warden:
"Would you mind letting me keep that with me?"
"Why?" asked the warden.
"Oh, just a little sentiment, I suppose," the prisoner explained. "You
know, it's the first dollar I ever stole."
_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers.
THRIFT
Mr. Benson went to New York to business, but lived in Brooklyn. Often
he was not able to get home in time for dinner at night. He told his
wife that he would phone her every day as to whether he could leave
the office or not.
Mrs. Benson was of a very thrifty disposition, and the following was
her solution of the problem: "Sam, if you find that you can't be home
for dinner, phone me at exactly six o'clock. If the telephone rings at
that hour, I'll know it is you and that you are not coming for dinner.
I won't answer it, and you'll get your nickel back."
Saving is a habit; extravagance, an art.
Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was
driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed a
booth where fresh popcorn was for sale.
"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.
"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.
"Why, the popcorn; it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.
"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive a
little closer so you can get a better smell."
BUTTONS--"Get up! Get up! The hotel's afire!"
SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN--"Richt, laddie; but if I do, mind ye, I'll no pay
for the bed."
SETTLEMENT WORKER (visiting tenements)--"And your father is working
now and getting two pounds a week? That's splendid! And how much does
he put away every Saturday night, my dear?"
LITTLE GIRL--"Never less than three quarts, ma'am!"
HE--"I am a poor man, you know."
SHE--"When we are married I can learn to cook, dear."
HE--"Hadn't you better practise while your father is supplying the raw
materials?"
See also Economy; Scotch, The.
TIDES
The destroyer Sharkey, which arrived in New York Harbor some days ago,
dropped anchor near the Statue of Liberty on the starboard side, but
during the night the tide shifted it about to the portside.
This transformation was most perplexing to a rookie gob, who finally
confided his problem to a C.P.O.
"Well, you see, it's like this," the oldtimer informed him, "New
York and Brooklyn both claim the statue, so to stop the argument the
Government lets New York have it one day and then moves it over to the
Brooklyn side the next."
TIME
_Time's Prisoner_
I am content with Now, whate'er befall,
Whether I will or no, Today is all;
No matter whether swift or slow my tread
I find tomorrow still a day ahead;
I cannot overtake eternity--
It turns to time and slips away from me,
And in like wise I go upon my way
Only a day ahead of yesterday!
--_Harry Kemp_.
One Hoyt was fishing from the banks of a stream when there approached
him an individual named Gates, who remarked, with a yawn: "Time ain't
very valuable to you, brother, that's plain. Here I been a-watchin'
you three hours and you ain't had a bite."
"Well," drawled the fisherman, "my time's too valuable, anyhow, to
waste three hours of it watchin' a feller fish that ain't gettin' a
bite."
Uncle Lige bought a clock, so tall that it was almost impossible to
get it into the house. The old man was extremely proud of it, and
found it very good company. He would lie awake nights to hear it tick.
One night the clock got out of order, and began to strike.
The old man awoke and counted one hundred and two. He promptly sat up
in bed, and calling to his wife said, "Cynthy, get up, get up. It's
later than I've ever knowed it to be."
PROF (in geology)--"The geologist thinks nothing of a thousand years."
SOPH--"Great guns! And I loaned a geologist ten dollars yesterday!"
"Paw, what's the longest period of time?"
"From one pay-day to the next."
CALLER--"Is your mother at home, Elsie?"
CHILD OF BUSY WAR WORKER--"Goodness, no! She won't be at home
today until about Saturday. Why, she hasn't got home yesterday
yet."--_Life_.
FIRST LOAFER--"I 'ear all the men 'ave gone on strike."
SECOND LOAFER--"Wat 'ave they struck for?"
FIRST LOAFER--"Shorter hours."
SECOND LOAFER--"I always said as 'ow sixty minutes was too long for an
hour."
"Time is precious," said the parson.
"It is, indeed," rejoined the business man, "and I've wasted an awful
lot of it."
"By indulging in foolish pleasures, I suppose?" suggested the good
man.
"Not exactly," replied the other. "I wasted most of it by being
punctual in keeping my appointments with others."
_See also_ Daylight saving.
TIPS
The sailor had been showing the lady visitor over the ship. In
thanking him she said:
"I see that by the rules of your ship tips are forbidden."
"Lor' bless yer 'eart, ma'am," replied Jack, "so were the apples in
the Garden of Eden."
Tipping is said to be due to public weakness and it is also due to the
desire to have luncheon served in time for dinner.
LUNCHER--"Look here, waiter, I'm very sorry, but I've only just
sufficient money with me to pay the bill, and nothing left for a tip
for you."
WAITER (confidently)--"Would you mind just letting me 'ave another
look at the bill, sir?"
He was dining alone and had much time to puzzle over an unusual
phenomenon he had noted.
"Why is it, Sam," he said, addressing the waiter, "that poor men
usually give larger tips than rich men?"
"Well, suh," rejoined the woolly-headed knight of the napkins
meditatively, "looks to me like de po' man don't want nobody to find
out he's po' an' de rich man don't want nobody to find out he's rich."
"What's the difference between valor and discretion?"
"Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the waiter would be
valor."
"I see. And discretion?"
"That would be to dine at a different restaurant the next day."
TOURISTS _See_ Travelers.
TRADE
When they beat their swords into plowshares, the next move is to beat
their competitors into foreign markets.
TRADE MARKS
Most of the wrinkles in a business man's face are trademarks.
TRADE UNIONS
TEACHER--"If a man gets four dollars for working eight hours a day,
what would he get if he worked ten hours a day?"
JOHNNY--"Ten hours a day? He'd get a call-down from de union."
"What are you doin' of, James?"
"Sharpenin' a bit o' pencil."
"You'll 'ave the Union after you, me lad. That's a carpenter's job,"
TRAMPS
TRAMP--"Madam, I was at the front--"
KIND-HEARTED LADY--"My poor man. Another victim of that terrible war.
Here's a dollar. Tell me how you got into these straits."
TRAMP-"I was going to say that I was at the front door an' nobody
answered, so I came around to the back. Thankee, mum."
MRS. SUBBUBS (to tramp)--"Out of work, are you? Then you're just in
time. I've a cord of wood to be cut up and I was just going to send
for a man to do it."
TRAMP--"That so, mum? Where does he live? I'll go and get him."
BOXCAR HARRY--"Beg pardon, ma'am, but do you happen to have some pie
or cake that you could spare an unfortunate wanderer?"
LADY OF THE HOUSE--"No, I'm afraid not. Wouldn't some bread and butter
do?"
BOXCAR HARRY--"As a general rule it would, ma'am; but, you see, this
is my birthday."
TRAVELERS
A party of tourists were going through a small town, having the time
of their lives, laughing and joking. One of them thought she would
have some fun, and called to a little girl standing near, "Are there
any shows in town?" To which the little girl answered, "Only the one
you people are making."
The value of travel oftentimes depends upon who travels.
Mrs. Williams, who had recently returned from abroad, was attending an
afternoon tea given in her honor.
"And did you actually go to Rome?" asked the hostess.
"I really don't know, my dear," replied Mrs. Williams. "You see, my
husband always bought the tickets."
_See also_ Americans; Destination.
TREES
I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's most flowing breast.
A tree that looks at God all day
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
--_Joyce Kilmer_.
TRENCHES
CHEERFUL ONE (to newcomer, on being asked what the trenches are
like)--"If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down yer gets
drowned; if yer moves about yer gets shelled; and if yer stands still
yer gets court-martialed for frost-bite."--_Punch_.
TROUBLE
The cheery caller tried to persuade old Aunt Martha not to dwell upon
her troubles, telling her she would feel happier if she ignored them.
"Well, honey," said the old lady, "I dunno 'bout dat. I allus 'lowed
when de Lord send me tribulation he done spec' me to tribulate."
TRUTH
Many truths expressed are never claimed at their destination.
Truth is elastic. Don't stretch it unless you want it to fly back and
sting you.
FIRST STUDENT (wearily)--"I suppose I'll be up all night tonight; I
have to make out my expense account."
SECOND (more hopefully)--"Why don't you tell the truth and get a good
night's rest?"
The two village trouble-makers had gotten into a row and the matter
was up in court. Uncle Wash, an old gentleman of color, was a witness.
"Now, uncle," said the lawyer, "tell me just what conversation
occurred."
"I kain't jes' remember it all," replied the candid Wash, "excep' dat
each one was callin' de other what dey is."
"Truth crushed to earth will rise again" said the hopeful person.
"Yes," replied the cynic; "but it's liable to have to go with a crutch
for some time after."
UMBRELLAS
"It says here that a Missouri man boasts that he has an umbrella that
has been in his possession for twenty years," said Smith.
"Well," replied Jones, "that's long enough. He ought to return it."
FIRST ARTIST--"The umbrella you lent me? I have lent it to a friend."
SECOND ARTIST--"That is very awkward. The man who lent it to my friend
tells him that the owner wants it."
"Little girl, why aren't you provided with an umbrella?" "Because
father hasn't been to church this year."--_Puck_.
"Young man," said the fond father, "in giving you my daughter, I have
entrusted you with the dearest treasure of my life."
The young man was duly impressed and made no endeavor to conceal his
emotion and his gratitude. Then, during the few moments of impressive
silence that followed, he heard the patter, patter of rain against the
window.
"Goodness me!" he exclaimed, "it's raining and I haven't my umbrella!
May I borrow yours, sir, to keep me dry while I run to the station?"
"Young man," said the fond parent, "I do not trust anyone with my
umbrella!"
UNEXPECTED
"It is the unexpected that always happens," observed the Sage.
"Well," commented the Fool, "if this is true, why don't we learn to
expect it?"
UNITED STATES
After the janitor had tacked a new map on the wall, Umson said to
Amley:
"By golly, the United States is getting to be a great place, ain't
it?"
"Yes," said Amley, "if it gets to be much bigger I'll have to move my
desk."
VACATIONS
Our unfortunate experience is that a day off is generally followed by
an off day.
A vocation is something you do for a living, an avocation something
you do for a while, a vacation something you couldn't stick at very
long without being dead broke and dead tired.
JUDGE--"Six months!"
COS COB CON--"Ah, wot a relief! Now I kin stop worrying about where
I'm going ter spend de summer."
VALUE
There, little dollar, don't you cry;
You _may_ buy something by and by.
A Pennsylvania farmer was the owner of a good Alderney cow. A
stranger, having admired the animal, asked the farmer: "What will you
take for your cow?"
The farmer scratched his head for a moment, and then said: "Look
a-here, be you the tax assessor or has she been killed by the
railroad?"
CALLER--"It's a good thing to teach your boy the value of money, as
you are doing."
HOST--"Well, I don't know. He used to behave for ten cents, but now he
demands a quarter."
FOOTPAD--"Your money or your life!"
MRS. TIGHTLY--"That's reasonable enough, Jake! You've got only 50
cents."
VANITY
Little Beryl, aged ten, was a very pretty and intelligent girl, but
she had one fault--she was inclined to be vain. At every available
opportunity she gazed at herself complacently in the looking-glass.
Her fond papa noticed that the habit was growing upon her and took
upon himself the duty of correcting it.
"Why do you always look in the glass?" he asked.
"I was just thinking how nice I looked," answered Beryl.
"You mustn't be so vain, child. Remember we are all as nature made
us."
"Did nature make you, papa?"
"Yes."
"Then," said Beryl, looking at him and then at her reflection in the
mirror, "don't you think nature is turning out better work than she
used to?"
VEGETARIANS
"Ever bothered with tramps out your way?"
"No; I have a sign on the gate reading: 'We are vegetarians, but our
dog isn't.'"
Ordering a copy of Tennyson's poems, a customer wrote to an English
bookseller, "Please do not send me one bound in calf, as I am a
vegetarian."
Mother gave the children an apple each. In little Marion's there was a
worm hole that obviously had a tenant. "You take this one, Tommy," she
said; "I'se a vegetarian."
VENTILATION
American people have a very high appreciation of the humor of
Englishmen, and have been specially tickled by a story Colonel Cody
used to tell. He said that some years ago an Englishman who had never
been in the West before was his guest. They were riding through a
Rocky-Mountain canon one day, when suddenly a tremendous gust of wind
came swooping down upon them and actually carried the Englishman clean
off the wagon-seat. After he had been picked up, he combed the sand
and gravel out of his whiskers and said:
"I say! I think you overdo ventilation in this country!"
The street-car conductor examined the transfer thoughtfully and said
meekly, "This here transfer expired an hour ago, lady." The lady,
digging into her purse after a coin, replied, "No wonder, with not a
single ventilator open in the whole car!"
VOICE
Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts.--_Talleyrand_.
VOTING
PAT--"Sure, I voted th' Raypublican ticket!"
MIKE--"Would ye trust such a party as thot?"
PAT--"They didn't ask me to--they paid me cash."
In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries. In a recent
election the local option question was up. After the election the
clerks were counting the votes. One was calling off and another taking
down the option votes. The first clerk, running rapidly through the
ballots, said: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Suddenly he stopped. "Mein Gott!"
he cried. "Dry!" Then he went on: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Presently
he stopped again and mopped his brow. "Himmel!" he said. "The
son-of-a-gun repeated."
DORA-"How did you vote?"
FLORA-"In my brown suit and squirrel toque."
"I do hope that when I am able to vote," said the pretty young wife,
"I will be as influential in politics as my husband."
"How is that?" asked her friend.
"Why, he has voted in two Presidential elections, and both times his
choice was elected."
WAGES
The hours you spend with me, dear "Mon,"
Are very few, it seems to me;
I count you over, every dime apart,
MY SALARY. My salary!
Ten cents a dime, ten dimes a "plunk."
To earn them is an awful grind;
I count each dime unto the end, and there--
A "dun" I find.
Oh toil, that is so poorly paid!
Oh salary, spent before we greet!
I kiss each dime, and try to find a way
To make ends meet--
Ye gods! To make ends meet!
--_Anne Alfreda Mellish_.
Sign on butcher shop reads, "Tongue 48 cents, Brains 33 cents." Some
one remarks that this proportion of payment is quite often the case.
A downtown merchant, while engaged in the office the other morning,
discovered that he had left his pocket knife at home and, as he needed
one urgently, he asked the different clerks, but none of them happened
to have one. Finally the errand boy hustled in and the merchant called
him, asking if he was able to produce the desired article. Jimmy
handed over his "pigsticker."
"How is it, Jimmy, that you alone out of my entire staff seem to have
a pocketknife with you?" smiled the proprietor, eyeing Jimmy with
undisguised admiration.
"Dunno, sir," replied the youth, "unless it's because my wages are so
low that I can't afford more'n one pair of pants."
FIRST LABORING MAN--"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"