make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."_--Punch_.
The workman was busily employed by the roadside, and the wayfarer
paused to inquire, "What are you digging for?" The workman looked up.
"Money,"' he replied.
"Money! And when do you expect to strike it, my good man?"
"On Saturday!" replied the other, and resumed operations.
WAR
Some nations were fighting fiercely.
"Why are you fighting so?" inquired the bystanders, moved at length to
curiosity.
"To save civilization!" replied the nations severally.
Here a draggled figure rose from the mire under the feet of the
combatants and limped lamely away.
"And who are you?" asked the bystanders, with a disposition to get to
the bottom of the matter.
"Don't speak to me--I'm civilization!" the figure made answer,
somewhat pettishly.
"What if we loses this blinkin' war after all, Bill?"
"Well, all I can say is--them what finds it is quite welcome to keep
it."
If we must have wars, let's adopt the pay-as-you-enter plan.
The war left the world so flat that Voliva may be excused for denying
that it is round.
VISITOR--"It's a terrible war, this, young man--a terrible war."
MIKE (badly wounded)--"'Tis that, sor--a tirrible warr. But 'tis
better than no warr at all."_--Punch_.
_See also_ European War.
WEALTH
BENNETT--"My, Storer must be rich."
JONES--"How so?"
BENNETT--"He was cleaning his mother's windows with gold dust in the
water."
WEATHER
A Salina man tells this as happening to him. Early in the morning one
winter's day, came a wire from a friend in Chicago: "How's the weather
today out there?"
"The sun is shining," the Salina man wired.
An hour later friend wired again: "Could not interpret message. Did
you say sun was or was not shining?"
And the Salina man, looking out of the window, sent this: "Snowing to
beat the band now."
And came another wire in mid-afternoon: "How much snow there now?"
To which the Salina man replied: "Bright sun out, has melted all the
snow away again."
_Indian Summer_
November days are here again
With chilly eve and morn--
Dame Nature's voice in warning raised
That Winter's blasts are born.
But ere the snow its cov'ring spreads
And Earth to sleep beguiles,
Old Summer lifts her sun-lit face,
Looks back at us and smiles.
One broiling August day an aged "cullud gemman," who was pushing a
barrow of bricks, paused to dash the sweat from his dusky brow; then,
shaking his fist at the sun, he apostrophized it thus:
"Fo' the Lawd's sake, war wuz yuh last Janooary?"
"Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?"
"Yes'm. It's my night out, so I set it for 'fine'."
What is it moulds the life of man?
The Weather!
What makes some black and others tan?
The Weather!
What makes the Zulu live in trees,
And Congo natives dress in leaves,
While others go in fur and freeze?
The Weather!
What makes the summer warm and fair?
The Weather!
What causes winter underwear?
The Weather!
What makes us rush and build a fire,
And shiver near the glowing pyre--
And then on other days perspire?
The Weather!
What makes the Cost of Living high?
The Weather!
What makes the Libyan Desert dry?
The Weather!
What is it men in ev'ry clime,
Will talk about till end of time?
What drove our honest pen to rhyme?
The Weather!
Kansas--When the sun sets in the West at night the wind will blow for
three days.
I remember, I remember,
Ere my childhood flitted by,
It was cold then in December,
And was warmer in July.
In the winter there were freezings--
In the summer there were thaws;
But the weather isn't now at all
Like what it used to was!
WEDDINGS
Gr-rr-r-h! The train drew up with a mighty crash and shock between
stations.
"Is it an accident? What happened?" inquired a worried-looking
individual of the conductor.
"Some one pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The express
knocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours before the
track is clear!"
"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married to-day!" groaned
the passenger.
The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows suspiciously.
"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that pulled
the cord?"
Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his job for
several years, when he surprised his employer one day by asking for a
vacation.
"We can't get along very well without you," said the boss. "You don't
need a vacation. You'll only blow in your money and come back broke."
"I like to have vacation," persisted Tony. "I get married, and I kinda
like to be there."
WELSH
Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction of
possessing a new twist at the end.
A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be divided
among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But the will was
conditional; each of the legatees was to place five pounds in the
testator's coffin. On the day appointed (by Fate) the Englishman
placed a five-pound note, as willed; the Irishman collected a number
of coins somehow--shillings, sixpences and coppers--and made up his
contribution of five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman's
fiver. The Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and,
pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque with
the remark, "That's easier."
A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pass-book, he was
surprised to find that his cheque had been cashed.
The undertaker was a Welshman.
WESTMINSTER ABBEY
It is a platitude that different people get peculiarly different
impressions from viewing the same sights. A Suffolk girl, who had been
staying in London for a short holiday, was asked on her return if she
had been in Westminster Abbey. "Yes," she replied, "I went in and sat
down, but I didn't stay long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries."
WHISKY
A Rhondda man went into a public-house and called for a glass of
whisky and water. Having tasted it, he exclaimed:
"Which did you put in first, the whisky or the water?"
"The whisky, of course," the publican replied.
"Ah, well," said the Rhondda man, "perhaps I'll come to it by and by."
_See also_ Drinking.
WIDOWS
"If you want to be really popular with men," says Mr. Arthur Pendenys,
"become a widow." This of course, may be all right, but few husbands
can really learn to love a wife who makes a practise of this sort of
thing.--_Punch_.
Dinah's husband had just been killed on the Railroad while discharging
his duties as a brakeman. An agent of the road promptly settled her
claim by the payment of a thousand dollars. Her friends consoled her
with the thought that with so much money she would be the most sought
after woman in Darktown. She stoutly maintained that she would not
marry again and that she "had no plans" but finally said between her
sobs "But if ah evah do marry I shuah am gwine to marry a railroad
man."
WINDOWS
Without windows there would be no fresh-air fiends. A single window
may make or mar a whole household. Used occasionally by burglars,
small boys and lovers, the singular power of the window to control our
destiny has not hitherto been recognized. Without windows there would
be no ghost stories, for how could the rain beat on the pane, or the
wind come in short gusts through the cracks? Neither would there be
melodrama, for how could the heroine crouch on the floor if there were
no sudden flashes of lighting or falling snow to gaze at through the
window? What poems have been written by just looking through a window;
and as for literature in general, who does not remember the window
in Thrums? The first thing we look at upon entering a room is the
windows. At night the window is the last thing we adjust, and in the
morning the first we gaze out of. The first window was the beginning
of civilization. Consider the window of a cell, how symbolic it is of
a dwarfed and misdirected life. The composite health of any community
can almost be predicated upon the number of its windows that are kept
open at night.
Then there are the windows of the soul, without which no best seller
would be worth the price of admission.
WISDOM
"Father, have you cut all four of your wisdom teeth?"
"Yes, son. I have purchased a used car, accepted a nomination, been
chairman of a local reception committee, and married your mother."
True wisdom laboring to expound,
Heareth others readily;
Fake wisdom, sturdy to deny, closeth
Up her mind to argument.
--_Tupper_.
WISHES
MABEL--"Oh, but I wish I had a nice big car, with blue plush
upholstering and all the modern appliances."
ALICE--"You'd take me out with you, if you had, wouldn't you?"
"No."
"Well, why not?"
"Why, you're perfectly capable of doing your own wishing, aren't you?"
HE--"But, Alice, you don't want that!"
SHE--"How will I know until I get it?"
WITNESSES
The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses, and
lawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution was
cross-examining the defendant.
"Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at length.
For some time Paddy stood thinking, then, "About four miles as the cry
flows," came the answer.
"You mean 'as the flow cries!'" corrected the man of law.
The judge leaned forward. "No," he remarked suavely, "he means 'as the
fly crows.'"
And they all looked at one another, feeling that something was wrong
somewhere.
A lawyer was examining a Scottish farmer. "You'll affirm that when
this happened you were going home to a meal. Let us be quite certain
on this point, because it is a very important one. Be good enough to
tell me, sir, with as little prevarication as possible, what meal it
was you were going home to."
"You would like to know what meal it was?" said the Scotsman.
"Yes, sir; I should like to know," replied the counsel, sternly and
impressively. "Be sure you tell the truth."
"Well, then, it was just oatmeal."
A boy of eight entered the witness-box in tremendous boots, long
trousers rolled up so that the baggy knees were at the ankles, and a
swallow-tail coat that swept the floor.
"Why are you dressed like that?" asked the judge, both amazed and
amused.
The boy took from his pocket the summons and pointed solemnly to the
words: "To appear in his father's suit."
The prosecuting attorney had encountered a somewhat difficult witness.
Finally he asked the man if he was acquainted with any of the men on
the jury.
"Yes, sir," announced the witness, "more than half of them."
"Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them?"
demanded the lawyer.
"Why, if it comes to that, I'm willing to swear that I know more than
all of them put together."
"Do you understand what you are to swear to?" asked the court as a not
over-intelligent looking negro took the witness stand.
"Yes, sah, Ah does. Ah'm to sweah to tell de truf."
"Yes," said the Judge; "and what will happen if you do not tell the
truth?"
"Well, sah," was the hesitating answer, "Ah expects ouah side'll win
de case, sah."
PRISON VISITOR--"What terrible crime has this man committed?"
JAILER--"He has done nothing. He merely happened to be passing when
Tough Jim tried to kill a man, and he is held as a witness."
"Where is Tough Jim?"
"He is out on bail."
WIVES
"Are you the captain of your soul?"
"Sort of a second lieutenant," ventured Mr. Henpeck dubiously.
"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake.
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife."
"Why, so it is, father,--whose wife shall I take?"
--_Thomas Moore_.
The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife to
mend his clothes.
"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night and she hasn't
touched it," he said. At this the older man assumed the air of a
patriarch.
"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't been
married very long and I think I can give you some serviceable
suggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it to my wife and
flourish it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?'
"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks the wife. Her suspicions are
aroused at once.
"'I want to throw this shirt away. It's worn out,' I say, with a few
more flourishes.
"'Let me see that shirt,' my wife says, then, 'Now, John, hand it to
me at once.'
"Of course, I pass it over and she examines it.
"'Why, it only needs--'; and then she mends it."
"Why are you so pensive?" he asked.
"I'm not pensive," she replied.
"But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes."
"Well, I didn't have anything to say."
"Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?"
"No."
"Will you be my wife?"
"What's Blinks going to do with his new noiseless typewriter?"
"If he takes my advice he'll marry her."--_Life_.
MRS. KNAGG--"Did the doctor ask to see your tongue?"
HUSBAND--"No; I told him about yours and he ordered me away for a
rest."
"This is a very sad case, very sad indeed," said the doctor. "I much
regret to tell you that your wife's mind is gone--completely gone."
"I am not a bit surprised" answered the husband. "She has been giving
me a piece of it every day for the last fifteen years."
A sheik was speaking to a crowd of men in a mosque and said, "All of
you who are afraid of your wives stand up." All stood up except one
man. Afterwards the sheik went to this man and said, "Evidently you
are not afraid of your wife." The man responded: "She gave me such a
beating this morning that I was too lame to stand up."
A well-to-do Scottish woman one day said to her gardener:
"Man Tammas, I wonder you don't get married. You've a nice house, and
all you want to complete it is a wife. You know the first gardener
that ever lived had a wife."
"Quite right, missus, quite right," said Thomas, "but he didna keep
his job long after he gat the wife."
CREWE--"Good heavens, how it rains! I feel awfully anxious about my
wife. She's gone out without an umbrella."
DREW--"Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter in some shop."
CREWE--"Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious."
Mrs. Clarke came running hurriedly into her husband's office one
morning.
"Oh, Dick," she cried, as she gasped for breath. "I dropped my diamond
ring off my finger, and I can't find it anywhere."
"It's all right, Bess," replied Mr. Clarke. "I came across it in my
trousers pocket."
_And Then Some_
MAN expects his wife to be:
Perpetuator of the Race.
Domestic Science Expert.
Trained Kindergartner.
Social Diplomat.
Purchasing Agent.
Superintendent of Operating.
Accountant.
Social Secretary.
General Counsel.
Manager Lost and Found Department.
Advertising Agent.
Intelligence Bureau.
Family Statistician.
Mistress of the Exchequer.
Playground Supervisor.
Judge of Juvenile Court.
Valet.
Nurse.
Employer of Labor.
Artist in the Art of Living.
WOMAN is seeking an even larger sphere.
MRS. A.--"Does your husband consider you a necessity or a luxury?"
MRS. B.--"It depends, my dear, on whether I am cooking his dinner or
asking for a new dress."
There are certain family privileges which we all guard jealously:
An attorney was consulted by a woman desirous of bringing action
against her husband for a divorce. She related a harrowing tale of
the ill-treatment she had received at his hands. So impressive was her
recital that the lawyer, for a moment, was startled out of his usual
professional composure. "From what you say this man must be a brute of
the worst type," he exclaimed.
The applicant for divorce arose and, with severe dignity, announced:
"Sir, I shall consult another lawyer. I came here to get advice as to
a divorce, not to hear my husband abused!"
_See also_ Domestic finance; Marriage; Woman
WOMAN
The reason we never hear of a self-made woman is because she changes
the plans so frequently that the job is never finished.
_If They Meant All They Said_
Charm is a woman's strongest arm;
My charwoman is full of charm;
I chose her, not for strength of arm
But for her strange, elusive charm.
And how tears heighten woman's powers!
My typist weeps for hours and hours:
I took her for her weeping powers--
They so delight my business hours.
A woman lives by intuition.
Though my accountant shuns addition
She has the rarest intuition.
(And I myself can do addition.)
Timidity in girls is nice.
My cook is so afraid of mice.
Now you'll admit it's very nice
To feel your cook's afraid of mice.
--_A.D. Miller_.
"De little girl," said Uncle Eben, "dat's allus takin' her dolly and
dishes an' sayin' she won't play, grows up to be de lady dat says
unless she's de chairman dar ain' g'ineter be no meetin'."
"Brown acknowledges that he knows nothing about women."
"What an immense experience with them he must have had."
"Does your wife neglect her home in making speeches?"
"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Meekton. "She always lets me hear the
speeches first."
A lady was sitting in the garden with the family stocking basket
beside her, and was examining the holes in her little boy's socks,
when the old gardener came by with his wheelbarrow. "What beats me,"
he remarked, "is you ladies. Always lookin' for what you don't want to
find!"
"Hello! Is this a party wire?"
"My dear sir, it's worse. It's a woman's party wire."
A red-haired, freckle-faced boy of fourteen, weighed down with the
responsibility of his first essay, walked into a city library the
other day. He approached the reference librarian rather timidly,
standing on one foot, then on the other, and finally said:
"Say, boss, I've gotta write an essay on 'Woman.' Where'll I begin?"
"I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club today," said
Mrs. Garrulous to her husband the other evening. With a look of
astonishment he replied:
"I can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?"
A party of Americans were dining in Paris with Premier Clemenceau,
when one of the Americans was heard to say: "I'll bet she will--"
"I wouldn't do that," interposed Clemenceau--"bet on anything that she
will do. You can never tell what a woman will do."
"Ah," said the American, "but you interrupted me too soon, monsieur. I
was going to say that I would bet that she would do the unexpected."
"Ah, but don't do that, either," cautioned Clemenceau. "Even that is
not a safe bet."
The most consoling thing about going to the cinemas is seeing so many
women in the pictures opening their mouths and not saying a word you
can hear.
When lovely woman wants a favor,
And finds, too late, that man won't bend,
What earthly circumstance can save her
From disappointment in the end?
The only way to bring him over,
The last experiment to try,
Whether a husband or a lover,
If he have feeling is--to cry.
--_Poebe Cary_.
During the flu epidemic in San Francisco, when all public
meeting-places were closed, and the entire population was compelled
to wear masks to prevent the spread of the disease, a drunken man was
overheard muttering:
"Well, I'm an old man, but I have lived my time and am ready to quit.
I have lived to see four great things come to pass--the end of
the war, the churches closed, saloons left open, and the women
muzzled."--_Judge_.
A crabbed old misogynist said to Ethel Barrymore at a dinner in Bar
Harbor:
"Woman! Feminism! Suffrage! Bah! Why, there isn't a woman alive who
wouldn't rather be beautiful than intelligent."
"That's because," said Miss Barrymore calmly, "so many men are stupid
while so few are blind."
HE--"When I proposed to Flossie she asked me for a little time to make
up her mind."
SHE (the hated rival)--"Oh! So she makes that up too, does she?"
Woman is certainly coming into her own. Even in tender romance she is
exerting an influence.
The young man had just been accepted. In his rapture he exclaimed,
"But do you think, my love, I am good enough for you?"
His strong-minded fiancée looked sternly at him for a moment and
replied, "Good enough for me? You've got to be!"--_Judge_.
ONE--"Yes, in a battle of tongues a woman can always hold her own."
THE OTHER--"Perhaps she can. But why doesn't she?"
Young Arthur was wrestling with a lesson in grammar. "Father," said
he, thoughtfully, "what part of speech is woman?"
"Woman, my boy, is not part of speech; she is all of it," returned
father.
During the recess period several teachers became engaged in a heated
argument over that old theme, "Man _versus_ Woman."
"Well, anyway," concluded the dyspeptic male teacher of Latin, "women
are more finicky than men."
"Recite an instance, please," put in the dainty little teacher of
domestic science.
"If a woman loses a stitch, she'll unravel a ball of yarn trying to
find it."
"That's nothing, compared with what a man will do," she came back
quickly. "If a man loses a quarter in a card game, he'll spend $10
trying to win it back."
_Woman_--A Mistress of Arts, who robs a bachelor of his degree, and
forces him to study philosophy by means of curtain lectures.
_See also_ Age; Clothing; Epitaphs; Fashion; Talkers; Wives; Woman
suffrage; Worry.
WOMAN SUFFRAGE
"It seems so silly to me," she said scornfully, as she threw down the
newspaper after a casual glance at the headlines.
"What seems silly?"
"All this talk about candidates for the presidency. There can't but
one be elected, can there?"
"Of course not."
"Well, why should a dozen or so be trying for it? Why doesn't just the
man who is going to be elected be a candidate, and all the rest go on
about their business, as all this talk and running around isn't going
to do them any good after all?"
"That young politician is paying you marked attention, girlie."
"Um, yes. Another problem added to our girlish troubles."
"Eh, what?"
"Is he after me or my vote?"
WARD HEELER--"Are women trying to reform politics?"
DISTRICT LEADER--"Reform nothing! They've started in to grab the
jobs."
FIRST LADY--"Did you vote with all those vile people?"
SECOND LADY--"I certainly did. I was curious to know how it felt."
"Wimmin voters this year."
"Yes, and these short skirts make a lot of wimmen look like little
girls."
"That's right. You gotta be careful who you try to pat on the head."
"Well, Maria," said Jiggles after the Town Election, "for whom did you
vote this morning?"
"I crossed off the names of all the candidates," returned Mrs.
Jiggles, "and wrote out my principles on the back of my ballot.
This is no time to consider individuals and their little personal
ambitions."
There are compensations in all things. When women get the suffrage
they won't want to be moving all the time, for fear of losing their
votes.--_Puck_.
"What are your reasons for wanting a divorce, madam?" inquired the
judge.
"Failure to support."
"But you live in apparent luxury."
"He failed to support me for a nomination that I wanted."
"Another of our masculine pleasures is about to become a thing of the
past, thanks to woman suffrage."
"What do you have reference to?"
"Taking the straw vote. Who would venture to predict a woman's ballot
twenty-four hours before election?"
WOMAN'S RIGHTS
_Why We Oppose Pockets For Women_
1. Because pockets are not a natural right.
2. Because the great majority of women do not want pockets. If they
did, they would have them.
3. Because whenever women have had pockets they have not used them.
4. Because women are expected to carry enough things as it is without
the additional burden of pockets.
5. Because it would make dissension between husband and wife as to
whose pockets were to be filled.
6. Because it would destroy man's chivalry toward woman if he did not
have to carry all her things in his pockets.
7. Because men are men and women are women. We must not fly in the
face of nature.
8. Because pockets have been used by men to carry tobacco, pipes,
whisky flasks, chewing-gum, and compromising letters, we see no reason
to suppose that women would use them more wisely.
WORK
Oh, would that working I might shun,
From labour my connection sever,
That I might do a bit or none
Whatever!
That I might wander over hills,
Establish friendship with a daisy,
O'er pretty things like daffodils
Go crazy!
That I might at the heavens gaze,
Concern myself with nothing weighty,
Loaf, at a stretch, for seven days--
Or eighty.
Why can't I cease a slave to be,
And taste existence beatific
On some fair island hid in the
Pacific?
Instead of sitting at a desk
'Mid undone labours, grimly lurking--
Oh, say, what is there picturesque
In working?
But no!--to loaf were misery!--
I love to work! Hang isles of coral!
(To end this otherwise would be Immoral!)
--_Thomas R. Ybarra_.