sewed up the buttonhole."--_Judge_.
TOURIST (in village notion-store)--"Whaddya got in the shape of
automobile-tires?"
SALESLADY--"Funeral wreaths, life-preservers, invalid cushions, and
doughnuts."--_Judge_.
SUBURBS
"Pa, what is a suburb, anyhow?"
"A place which has lost the joy of the country and lacks the feverish
delight of the city."
SUBWAYS
"There's no danger in riding in these subways, is there?"
"I should say so. The last time I tried them I found myself in
Brooklyn."
FIRST SUBWAY DIRECTOR--"We may have to provide more seats."
SECOND SUBWAY DIRECTOR-"Nonsense! Simply have 'The Star-Spangled
Banner' played on all cars."--_Life_.
SUCCESS
Success in any line is no more an accident than the ball player's
batting average is a streak of luck. It is putting the right hits in
the right place and keeping the good work up--it's head work.
_He Must Dig_
He wanted a job, and, like every one else,
He wanted a good one, you know;
Where his clothes would not soil and his hands would keep clean,
And the salary must'nt be low.
He asked for a pen; but they gave him a spade,
And he half turned away with a shrug.
But he altered his mind, and seizing the spade--he dug.
He worked with a will that is bound to succeed,
And the months and the years went along.
The way it was rough and the labor was hard,
But his heart he kept filled with a song.
Some jeered him and sneered at the task; but he plugged
Just as hard as he ever could plug;
Their words never seemed to disturb him a bit--as he dug.
The day came at last when they called for the spade,
And gave him a pen in its place.
The joy of achievement was sweet to his taste,
And victory shone in his face.
We can't always get what we hope for at first--
Success cuts many queer jigs--
But one thing is sure, a boy will succeed--if he digs.
--_Pleasant Hours_.
There is no open door to the Temple of Success. Every man who enters
forges his own key and cannot effect an entrance for anyone else. Not
even his own children can pass this door. Remember that the key that
will unlock your greatest opportunities must be forged by yourself.
No outside Power, no help from friends or relations can do as much for
you as you can do for yourself.
It's doing your job the best you can
And being just to your fellowman;
It's making money, but holding friends,
And staying true to your aims and ends;
It's figuring how and learning why,
And looking forward and thinking high,
And dreaming a little and doing much;
It's always keeping in closest touch,
With what is finest in word and deed;
It's being thorough, yet making speed;
It's struggling on with a will to win,
But taking loss with a cheerful grin;
It's sharing sorrow and work and mirth
And making better this good old earth;
It's serving, striving through strain and stress,
It's doing your noblest--that's Success.
_Six Suggestions for Success_
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater
achievement of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times, and to have a smile for
every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you will have
no time to criticize others.
To be too big for worry, too noble for anger and too strong for fear.
To think well of your self and to proclaim this fact to the world--not
in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are
true to the best that is in you.
The world knows but little of failures, and cares less. The world only
watches the successes.
Stop worrying over things that can't be helped and go and do things
that can be done.
Few people care a continental for your failure. Few, if any, will
help.
You may sit and magnify your mistakes, mourn and go mad over your
blunders, but men will only smile that cynical smile and say of you,
"He's no good."
Self-pity, sympathy soliciting, wishing and wailing will only let you
down lower. Brace up. Brush up. Think up. And you will get up. Think
down. Look down. Act down. And you will stay down.
Paint your face with a smile. Advertise that you are a success. Then
think and work for it.
Whatever you think you are is the price they will pay.
In every contest of life, remember the shell must fit the gun.
_It Couldn't Be Done_
Somebody said that it couldn't be done,
But he with a chuckle replied
That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one
Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried.
So he buckled right in, with a trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done--and he did it.
Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that--
At least, no one ever has done it";
But he took off his coat, and he took off his hat,
And the first thing we knew he'd begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done--and he did it.
There are thousands who'll tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands who prophecy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you, one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
Then take off your coat and go to it.
Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing
That "cannot be done"--and you'll do it.
--_Edgar A. Guest_.
A sea captain was talking about the English admiral, Lord Fisher.
"I once asked Lord Fisher," he said, "what he attributed his rapid
rise to.
"'To power of initiative,' Lord Fisher answered promptly.
"'Power of initiative, my lord?' And I scratched my head. 'How would
you define power of initiative?"
"'Disobeying orders,' said Lord Fisher."
It has been well said if you are doing anything exceptionally well,
"though you build your home in the heart of the forest the world will
make a beaten track to your door."
While you are flirting with success
And making plans to nab it,
Some other chap, who fusses less,
May rush right up and grab it.
The two keys to success are luck and pluck--luck in finding some one
to pluck.--_Life_.
"The road to success is apt to be a long, hard one, my boy."
"Are there no short cuts, father?"
"Yes, my son. Our penitentiaries are full of men who took the short
cuts."
"How is your little brother, Johnny?"
"Sick abed. He hurt himself."
"That's too bad. How did he do it?"
"We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he
won."
_See also_ Determination.
SUITORS
The one who brings candy and eats most of it himself.
The nice beau with the little automobile.
The not-so-nice one with the big automobile.
The handsome suitor who talks about himself.
The man who likes theaters and tea.
The man who would make a better uncle than husband.
The one who means well.
The right man.
"My dear," said the proud father, "I can not understand your objection
to young Prudely as a suitor for your hand. I am sure that he is a
model young man."
"There is no question about his being a model," replied the bewitching
beauty; "but, father, dear, the trouble is that he is a 1912 model."
HER MOTHER--"My daughter sings, plays the piano, paints, understands
botany, zoology, French, Italian--in fact is accomplished in every
way. And you, sir?"
PROSPECTIVE SON-IN-LAW--"Well, in an emergency I suppose I could cook
a little and mend the socks."
SUMMER RESORTS
"We are taking in boarders this summer."
"Have they found it out yet?"
SUNDAY
The solemn Sabbath air was wracked by strident cries from "de gang,"
engaged in a game of one-eyed cat. Finally the good lady of the house
ventured a protest and suggestion.
"Boys," she said, "don't you know that it is Sunday and you mustn't
play ball in the front-yard? Go in the back-yard and play, if you
must."
"Hey, youse!" yelled the leader to his followers. "Come on in the
back-yard. It ain't Sunday there."
_Sunday the Thirteenth_
Must the new morn
Be a Blue morn?
Must we backward turn to find
The kind of day
To while away
The stalwart modern mind?
Must the Sun day
Be the one day
When the sun is banned to all?
Must our play day
Be a gray day
Locked behind a prison wall?
Must the rest day
Be a pest day?
Must we bore ourselves to death
By boding ill
From sitting still
To curb each merry breath?
Must the feast day
Be the least day,
Robbed of all the things we'd seek?
Must our proud day
Be a shroud day
With rehearsals once a week?
--_Mabel Haughton Collyer_.
_Keeping Calm_
I have my share of grief and care,
Beyond the slightest doubt;
I have enough of dreadful stuff
Each day to fret about.
So when I see prepared for me
A line of stuff like this:
"The Sabbath gang now want to hang
The man who steals a kiss!
They'd kill the joy of man and boy,
Who'd spend the Sabbath day
By motoring where song birds sing,
And put all fun away!"
I do not fret and get upset,
And let that frighten me;
Let others storm--that's one reform
That's never going to be!
--_Edgar A. Guest_.
Recent clerical utterances against Sunday amusements raise the
question of whether a clergyman, with six days for outdoor recreation,
is the one best qualified to pass on a Sabbath schedule of toilers who
work from sun to sun six days a week.
LADY (to small boy who is fishing)--"I wonder what your father would
say if he caught you fishing on Sunday?"
BOY--"I don't know. You'd better ask him. That's him a little farther
up the stream."
FOND MOTHER--"Oh, Reginald! Reginald! I thought I told you not to play
with your soldiers on Sunday."
REGINALD--"But I call them the Salvation Army on Sunday."
"Helen, I really cannot permit you to read novels on the Sabbath."
"But, grandma, this one is all right; it tells about a girl who was
engaged to three Episcopal clergymen all at once."
Enforcement of the blue laws would make Sunday not a day of resting
but of arresting.
When the New York National League ball club was playing in Boston, a
local clergyman called at the hotel where the players were stopping
one Sunday to congratulate Mathewson on his stand against playing on
the Sabbath.
The clerk made a few mysterious inquiries and then said: "Sorry, sir,
but Mr. Mathewson is out playing golf."--_Everybody's_.
SUNDAY SCHOOLS
"Ef yo' had your choice, Liza, which would yo' rather do--live, or die
an' go to heaven?"
"Ah'd rather live."
"Why, Liza White, yo' scan'lous chile! Sunday-school hain't done yo'
no good'tall!"--_Life_.
JIMMIE AND BOBBIE--"Mother I don't mind going to Sunday school any
other day, but it just spoils Sunday."
Little Raymond returned home from Sunday school in a very joyous
mood. "Oh, mother," he exclaimed as he entered the house, "the
superintendent said something awfully nice about me in his prayer this
morning!"
"Isn't that lovely! What did he say, pet?" questioned the mother.
"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"
SUPERSTITION
MRS. WIGGS--"Is Billy sick, Mrs. Skinner?"
MRS. SKINNER--"Well, 'e ain't exactly sick, but no stummick can stand
thirteen buns! It's an unlucky number."-_Puck_.
"And you wouldn't begin a journey on Friday?"
"Not I."
"I can't understand how you can have faith in such a silly
superstition."
"No superstition about it. Saturday's my pay day."
SURPRISE
"Do you think Gladys was surprised when I proposed to her?" inquired
the happy youth.
"About as surprised," answered Miss Cayenne, "as a candidate who has
received formal notification that he has been nominated."
Boss entering his factory caught two of his employees shooting craps
during working hours. "Oh! what is the matter with you?"
"Well boss, I can't help it, you see you got rubber heels."
SYMPATHY
BEGGAR--"I haven't tasted food for a month."
DYSPEPTIC--"You ain't missing much. It's the same old taste."
Every seat was occupied, when a group of women got in. The conductor
noticed a man who he thought was asleep.
"Wake up!" shouted the conductor.
"I wasn't asleep," said the passenger.
"Not asleep! Then what did you have your eyes closed for?"
"It was because of the crowded condition of the car," explained the
passenger. "I hate to see the women standing."
SYNONYMS
TEACHER--"Hawkins, what is a synonym?"
HAWKINS--"Please, sir, it's a word you use in place of another when
you cannot spell the other one."
TACT
"I must say these are fine biscuits!" exclaimed the young husband.
"How could you say those are fine biscuits?" inquired the young wife's
mother, in a private interview.
"I didn't say they were fine. I merely said I must say so."
Johnny liked ice-cream, but he drew the line at turning the freezer.
One day when his mother returned home she was agreeably surprized to
find him working away at the crank as tho his life depended on it.
"I don't see how you got him to turn the freezer," she said to her
husband; "I offered him a dime to do it."
"You didn't go at it in the right way, my dear," replied the husband.
"I bet him a nickel he couldn't turn it for half an hour."
MRS. X.--"Bothered with time-wasting callers, are you? Why don't you
try my plan?"
MRS. Y.--"What is your plan?"
MRS. X.--"Why, when the bell rings, I put on my hat and gloves before
I press the button. If it proves to be some one I don't want to see, I
simply say 'So sorry, but I'm just going out.'"
MRS. Y.--"But suppose it's some one you want to see?"
MRS. X.--"Oh, then I say, 'So fortunate, I've just come in.'"
WIFE--"But, my dear, you've forgotten again that today is my
birthday."
HUSBAND--"Er--listen, love. I know I forgot it, but there isn't a
thing about you to remind me that you are a day older than you were a
year ago."
Little Charlotte accompanied her mother to the home of an
acquaintance, where a dinner-dance was being given. When the
dessert-course was reached the little girl was brought down and given
a place next to her mother at the table.
The hostess was a woman much given to talking, and, in relating some
interesting incidents, quite forgot to give little Charlotte anything
to eat.
After some time had elapsed, Charlotte could bear it no longer. With
the sobs rising in her throat, she held up her plate as high as she
could and said:
"Does anybody want a clean plate?"
A Tommy on furlough entered a jeweler's shop and, placing a
much-battered gold watch on the counter, said, "I want this 'ere
mended."
After a careful survey the watchmaker said, "I'm afraid, sir, the cost
of repairing will be double what you gave for it."
"I don't mind that," said the soldier. "Will you mend it?"
"Yes," said the jeweler, "at the price."
"Well," remarked Tommy, smiling, "I gave a German a punch on the nose
for it, and I'm quite ready to give you two if you'll mend it."
An old lady who had been introduced to a doctor who was also a
professor in a university, felt somewhat puzzled as to how she would
address the great man.
"Shall I call you 'doctor' or 'professor'?" she asked.
"Oh! just as you wish," was the reply; "as a matter of fact, some
people call me an old idiot."
"Indeed," she said, sweetly, "but then, they are people that know
you."
The hostess had trouble in getting Mr. Harper to sing. After the song
had been given, she came up with a smiling face to her guest, and made
the ambiguous remark:
"Now, Mr. Harper, you must never tell me again that you can not
sing--I know now!"
THE HOST--"It's beginning to rain; you'd better stay to dinner."
THE GUEST--"Oh, thanks very much; but it's not bad enough for that."
TALKERS
Words are like leaves, and where they most abound,
Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found.
--_Pope_.
"I have just heard of a woman who went to a hotel unaccompanied and
discovered that the acoustic properties of her room were such that
every time she spoke aloud there was an echo. She then made a bold
attempt to get in a last word, and in so doing talked herself to
death."
"A whole lot o' de talk dat goes 'round," said Uncle Eben, "ain' no
mo' real help in movin' forward dan de squeak in an axle."
The school-teacher had punished Tommy so often for talking during
school hours, and the punishment had been apparently without effect,
that, as a last resort, she decided to notify Tommy's father of his
son's fault. So, following the deportment word in his next report were
these words, "Tommy talks a great deal."
In due time the report was returned with these words after the
father's signature, "You ought to hear his mother."
_Just Suppose_
If all that we say
In a single day,
With never a word left out,
Were printed each night
In clear black and white,
'Twould prove queer reading, no doubt.
And then just suppose
Ere one's eyes he could close.
He must read the day's record through,
Then wouldn't one sigh,
And wouldn't he try
A great deal less talking to do?
And I more than half think
That many a kink
Would be smoother in life's tangled thread,
If one-half that we say
In a single day
Were left forever unsaid.
Mrs. Jenkins, a regular visitor in the doctor's consulting room,
started on the long story of her troubles. The doctor endured it
patiently and gave her another bottle. At last she started out, and
the doctor was congratulating himself, when she stopped and exclaimed:
"Why, doctor, you didn't look to see if my tongue was coated."
"I know it isn't," wearily replied the medical man. "You don't find
grass on a race track."
Another one of our patrons finds her husband a trifle too studious.
She called for a volume of Blackstone he had ordered and when she saw
the ominous size of the volume sighed deeply, "That means I'll have to
go out nights. He says I talk too much!"
_See also_ Wives; Woman.
TARDINESS
MR. PECK--"Would you mind compelling me to move on, officer? I've been
waiting on this corner three hours for my wife!"--_Puck_.
"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?"
demanded the boss angrily.
"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one, "you kept telling
me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't
watch it at home either."
"This is the fourth morning you've been late, Rufus," said the man to
his colored chauffeur.
"Yes, sah," replied Rufus. "I did oversleep myself, sah."
"Where is that clock I gave you?"
"In my room, sah."
"Don't you wind it up?"
"Oh, yes, sah. I winds it up, sah."
"And do you set the alarm?"
"Ev'ry night, sah, I set de alarm, sah."
"But don't you hear the alarm in the morning, Rufus?"
"No, sah, dere's de trouble, sah. Yer see de blame thing goes off
while I'm asleep, sah."
Professor Copeland, of Harvard, as the story goes, reproved his
students for coming late to class.
"This is a class in English composition," he remarked with sarcasm,
"not an afternoon tea."
At the next meeting one girl was twenty minutes late. Professor
Copeland waited until she had taken her seat. Then he remarked
bitingly:
"How will you have your tea, Miss Brown?"
"Without the lemon, please," Miss Brown answered quite gently.
TAX
The most successful statesman is going to be the statesman who can
devise a tax nobody will be able to detect.
MACPHERSON (at the box office)--"Will ye kindly return me the amount I
paid for amusement tax?"
CLERK--"Why, sir?"
MACPHERSON--"We wasna amused."
The man who ran the elevator of the sky-scraper was talking to a
passenger.
"The judge certainly did soak him," he said. "He sentenced him to
three years and ten days. Now I understand the three years all right;
but what the ten days were for I'd like to know?"
"That was the war-tax," said a quiet citizen who got abroad at the
tenth floor.
MRS. CASEY--"An' phwat are yez doin' wid thot incoom-tax paper,
Casey?"
CASEY--"Oi'm thryin' to figger out how much money Oi save by not
havin' anny."--_Life_.
The Tax? No wonder Men abhor it!
You raise a Crop, they fine you for it!
TEACHERS
FATHER (meaningly)--"Who is the laziest member of your class, Tommy?"
TOMMY--"I don't know, pa."
FATHER--"I should think you should know. When all the others are
industriously studying or writing their lessons, who is it sits idly
in his seat and watches the rest, instead of working himself?"
TOMMY--"The teacher."
The Literary Digest offers each week a prize of fifty dollars for the
best argument in compact form for better salaries for teachers. The
editor of The Reporter humbly submits to the editor of The Digest this
bit of pathos:
"What shape, madam, was the pocketbook you lost?"
"Flat. I'm a teacher."
The kindergarten had been studying the wind all week--its power,
effects, etc.--until the subject had been pretty well exhausted. To
stimulate interest, the kindergartner said, in her most enthusiastic
manner: "Children, as I came to school today in the trolley-car, the
door opened and something came softly in and kissed me on the cheek.
What do you think it was?"
And the children joyfully answered, "The conductor!"--_Harper's_.
"We have just learned of a teacher who started poor twenty years
ago and has retired with the comfortable fortune of fifty thousand
dollars. This was acquired through industry, economy, conscientious
effort, indomitable perseverance, and the death of an uncle who left
her an estate valued at $49,999.50."
"Pa," inquired a seven-year-old seeker after the truth, "is it true
that school-teachers get paid?"
"Certainly it is," said the father.
"Well, then," said the youth indignantly, "that ain't right. Why
should the teachers get paid when us kids do all the work?"
While the school teacher was away at the annual meeting of the state
association she sent all of her little pupils a postcard greeting.
Little Edgar replied in kind and on his card wrote: "I hope you are
enjoying our vacation."
_See also_ Fords.
TEACHING
About the most hopeful element in any human being's character I should
reckon to be teachableness.
Wherever you meet a man who knows--and knows he knows--and wards off
any proof of reasoning of yours with the impenetrable shield of a
superior smile or the dull hostility of a determined eye, you feel
that between you and him there can be no real dealings.
The wisest minds I find are the most teachable. The wider one's
experience, the more thorough his study, the braver his heart, and the
stronger his intelligence, the more willing he is to hear what you or
any man may have to offer.
Stubbornness is usually the instinctive self-defense of conscious
weakness. When one can do nothing else to show his strength he
imitates the mule--the most despised of animals.
Spinoza's maxim was that the two great banes of humanity are
self-conceit and the laziness coming from self-conceit.--_Dr. Frank
Crane_.
TEARS
_See_ Woman.
TELEGRAPH
"Why did you strike the telegraph operator?" asked the magistrate of
the man who was summoned for assault.
"Well, sir, I gives him a telegram to send to my gal, and he starts
readin' it. So, of course, I ups and gives him one."
"Pap," said the colored youth, "Ah'd like you to expatiate on de way
dat de telegraph works."
"Dat's easy 'nuf, Rastus," said the old man. "Hit am like dis. Ef dere
was a dawg big 'nuf so his head could be in Bosting an' his tail
in New Yo'k, den ef you tromp on his tail in New Yo'k he'd bark in
Bosting. Understan', Rastus?"
"Yes, pap! But how am de wireless telegraph?"
For a moment the old man was stumped. Then he answered easily: "Jess
prezactly de same, Rastus, wid de exception dat de dawg am 'maginary."
An Irishman and a Scot were arguing as to the merits of their
respective countries.
"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "they tore down an auld castle in Scotland and
found many wires under it, which shows that the telegraph was knoon
there hoondreds o' years ago."
"Well," said Pat, "they tore down an ould castle in Oireland, and
there was no wires found undher it, which shows that they knew all
about wireless telegraphy in Oireland hundreds av years ago."
Soon after the instalment of the telegraph in Fredericksburg,
Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of
newspaper that had blown up on one of the telegraph wires and caught
there. Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he
cried, "Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all
the news out!"
TELEPHONE
The editor of The Japan Times says the telephone service in Japan
is utterly bad. He wonders "what Job would have done had he lived
in Tokyo and wanted to telephone to the specialist on boils." He
concludes with the following incident: "A lady in Karuiwaza called up
her house in Tokyo, left by the next train, got the call, and talked
to herself in Karuiwaza six hours after she arrived in Tokyo."
A suburban housewife relates overhearing this conversation between her
Cape girl and the one next door: