niggah ought to do in a case ob dat kind, suh, I walks right into de
polls and votes de straight Republican ticket, suh, 'cause I figgered,
suh, dat dis here Republican man, he war de least corrupt ob de two."
"Don't you think our friend Crossum might loom up as a dark horse?"
"No," declared Senator Sorghum, "record's too shady. It would require
a great deal of whitewashing to qualify him as a dark horse."
YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Father, what is a traitor in politics?"
VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes
over to the other one."
YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and
comes over to yours?"
VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A convert, my son."
During a municipal campaign in Chicago a politician dropped in one
morning to see a certain grocer. During the conversation that took
place, the politician asked, "And I may count upon your support, may I
not?"
"Why, no, I am sorry to say," replied the grocer. "The fact is, I have
promised my support to the other candidate."
The politician laughed. "Ah," said he, "in politics, promising and
performing are two different things."
"In that case," said the grocer cordially, "I shall be glad to give
you my promise, sir."
STRANGER--"Upon what plan are your city institutions conducted?"
CITIZEN-"A sort of let-George-do-it system--without any
George."--_Puck_.
POSTAL SERVICE
WILLIS--"What did you think of that fellow's carrying the message to
Garcia?"
GILLIS--"Don't blame him a bit. With our poor Post Office service, it
was the only way he could get it to him."
COUNTRY LADY--"I've been expecting a packet of medicine by post for a
week, and haven't received it yet."
POST-OFFICE CLERK--"Yes, madam. Kindly fill in this form, and state
the nature of your complaint."
LADY--"Well, if you must know, it's indigestion."
Aunt Mehitable Trusalive wants to know why it is every letter she
gets somebody is always printing on the outside: "Join the Navy." She
declares to goodness she never thought of such a thing and if they
don't stop she'll have the law on them.
DASHER--"This parcel-post package is being delivered in unusually
quick time. How do you account for it?"
MAIL-CARRIER--"The department thought it contained a time-bomb,
sir."-_Judge_.
FANNING--"What's become of that rubber stamp, 'Dictated, but not
read,' that you used to use on your letters?"
DASHER--"I threw it away and got one that prints, 'Mailed, but not
delivered.'"
POVERTY
Poverty is the greatest of physicians. His method is prophylactic
rather than therapeutic, but in point of results he is in a class by
himself.
His practice attests the efficacy of the ounce of prevention in big
doses.
Poverty ranks high as a surgeon, too. Nobody else cuts out so many
things that are not good for us.
In a way he has the respect of the profession. Where he is in charge
of a case no other practitioner is apt to interfere.
We should not so much esteem our poverty as a misfortune, were it not
that the world treats it so much as a crime.--_Boree_.
Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not to
know how to chase it away by work is a more shameful thing
yet.--_Pericles_.
Want is a bitter and a hateful good,
Because its virtues are not understood;
Yet many things, impossible to thought,
Have been by need to full perfection brought.
--_Dryden_.
Ned Shuter thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings
with holes to having them darned: "A hole," said he, "may be the
accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darn
is premeditated poverty."
PRAISE
The highest praise for a man is to give him responsibility.
A playwright and an actor were in conversation when the former, who
has been none too successful of late, exclaimed gloomily:
"People will praise my work after I am dead."
"Well," said the actor, in a consoling tone, "perhaps you are right,
but don't you think it's a great deal of a sacrifice to make for a
little praise?"
"Well, there's one thing about the man who sings his own praises."
"And what's that?"
"He never has to give the excuse that he has left his music home and
can't play without his notes."
The love of praise, howe'er conceal'd by art,
Reigns, more or less, and glows, in ev'ry heart:
The proud, to gain it, toils on toils endure;
The modest shun it, but to make it sure.
--_Young_.
Praising what is lost,
Makes the remembrance dear.
--_Shakespeare_.
PRAYERS
A very nice and gentle minister accepted a call to a new church in a
town where many of the members bred horses and sometimes raced them. A
few weeks later he was asked to invite the prayers of the congregation
for Lucy Grey. Willingly and gladly he did so for three Sundays. On
the fourth one of the deacons told the minister he need not do it any
more.
"Why," asked the good man, with an anxious look, "is she dead?"
"Oh, no," said the deacon; "she's won the steeplechase."
The two men were adrift in an open boat and it looked bad for them.
Finally one of them, frightened, began to pray.
"O Lord," he prayed, "I've broken most of Thy commandments. I've been
a hard drinker, but if my life is spared now I'll promise Thee never
again--"
"Wait a minute, Jack," said, his friend. "Don't go too far. I think I
see a sail."
Lindsley had the little hen fast and was trying to bring her head
close to the ground.
"What might you be trying to do?" exclaimed her father coming upon the
small girl in the yard.
"I'm trying to make this hen say her prayers."
"Well," said the parent sadly, "I hope she'll say: 'Now I lay me.'"
BROWN (on fishing trip)--"Boys, the boat is sinking! Is there any one
here who knows how to pray?"
JONES (eagerly)--"I do."
BROWN--"All right. You pray and the rest of us will put on life belts.
They's one shy."
A small boy, whose father is now on the other side with the Y.M.C.A.,
was taught to say at the end of his prayer, "Please, God, make Graham
a good boy." One night he did not say it, and when his mother asked
him if he had not forgotten something, he said, "No; I thought I was
asking too much of God. I'd better do more myself."
GRANDSON (who hasn't decided yet just what branch of the service will
have the benefit of his talents)--"There seems to be quite a diversity
of opinion regarding what prayer to say in response to the Senate's
request for daily prayer for victory."
GRANDMA (industriously knitting)--"Guess any of 'em will do, so long
as it isn't 'Now I lay me down to sleep.'"
"The proper way for a man to pray,"
Said Deacon Lemuel Keyes,
"And the only proper attitude
Is down upon his knees."
"No, I should say the way to pray,"
Said Rev. Doctor Wise,
"Is standing straight with outstretched arms
And rapt and upturned eyes."
"Oh, no, no, no," said Elder Slow,
"Such posture is too proud;
A man should pray with eyes fast closed
And head contritely bowed."
"It seems to me his hands should be
Austerely clasped in front,
With both thumbs pointing to the ground,"
Said Rev. Doctor Blunt.
"Last year I fell in Hodgkin's well
Head first," said Cyrus Brown,
"With both my heels a-stickin' up,
My head a-pinting down;
"An' I made a prayer right then an' there--
Best prayer I ever said,
The prayingest prayer I ever prayed,
A-standing on my head."
--_Sam Walter Foss_.
A young mother was about to hear her small girl's prayers when a
neighbor called and said she must see the mother right away. They
had been talking at the front door several minutes when a reproachful
little voice came from the top of the stairway:
"Mamma, aren't you 'shamed to keep God waiting so long?"
It was the week before little Willie's birthday, and he was on his
knees at his bedside petitioning Divine Providence for presents in a
very loud voice.
"Please send me," he shouted, "a bicycle, a tool chest, a--"
"What are you praying so loud for?" his younger brother interrupted.
"God ain't deaf."
"I know he ain't," said little Willie, winking toward the next room,
"but grandma is."
MARJORIE--"Will I get everything I pray for, mama?"
MOTHER (cautiously)--"Everything that's good for you, dear."
MARJORIE (disgustedly)--"Oh, what's the use, then; I get that
anyway."--_Life_.
One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That
night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised
to hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our
dentists."--_Everybody's_.
SMALL YOUTH--"I ain't goin' to say my prayers tonight, mother. I'm
goin' to take a chance."--_Life_.
Bobby had been taught to remember all his relatives when he said
his prayers. One night, as he knelt at his mother's knee, he did not
mention the name of a favorite aunt.
"Why, Bobby," said the mother, "you didn't say 'God bless Aunt
Beatrice and make her happy.'"
"Well, mother," replied the little boy, "I don't have to say that any
more. Aunt Beatrice's engaged."
Two prominent senators, boyhood friends, were discussing how strict
had been their early religious training and how they had departed from
it in late years. Said A to B: "I don't believe you even remember the
Lord's Prayer, do you?" B answered: "Oh, yes, I do; I'm not such a
backslider as that." Then A said: "I'll bet a dollar you cannot say
the Lord's Prayer straight through." B promptly declared that he would
win that dollar and, after a moment's thoughtful hesitation, repeated
slowly:
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
"By Jove," said A, "here is your dollar; I didn't believe you could do
it."
"We'd have more prayers answered," said Bishop Hoss, of Muskogee, "if
we had more faith."
"Too many of us are like Willie. Willie, on a visit to his uncle's in
the country, admired a fine colt.
"'Uncle, give me that colt, will you?' he asked.
"'Why, no, Willie,' said his uncle. 'That's a very valuable colt,
and I couldn't afford to give him to you. Do you want a colt so very
badly?'
"'I'd rather have a colt than anything else in the world,' said
Willie.
"'Then,' said his uncle. 'I'll tell you what you ought to do. Since
you want a colt that much, you ought to pray for one. Whenever I want
a thing I always pray for it, and then it is sure to come to me.'
"'Is that so, uncle?' said Willie, eagerly. 'Won't you please give me
this colt, then, and pray for one for yourself?'"
An old darkey who was asked if, in his experience, prayer was ever
answered, replied:
"Well, sah! some pra'rs is ansud, an' some isn't--'pends on wa't you
axes fo'. Jest arter de wah, w'en it was mighty hard scratchin' fo' de
cullud breddern, I 'bsarved dat w'eneber I pway de Lord to sen' one o'
Marse Peyton's fat turkeys fo' de old man, dere was no notis took
ob de partition; but w'en I pway dat He would sen' de ole man fo'
de turkey, de matter was t'ended to befo' sun-up nex' morning', dead
sartin."
PREACHING
The railroad official invited the stern citizen to communicate his
troubles.
"I want you to give orders," demanded the visitor, "that the engineer
of the express which passes through Elm Grove at 11:55 be restrained
from blowing his whistle Sunday mornings."
"Impossible!" exploded the official. "What prompts you to make such a
ridiculous request?"
"Well, you see," explained the citizen in an undertone, "our pastor
preaches until he hears the whistle blow and that confounded express
was twenty minutes late last Sunday."
The American in England affords cause for much perplexity and
astonishment to his English kinsmen.
A Yankee soldier was being shown over an old church wherein hundreds
of people were buried.
"A great many people sleep between these walls," said the guide,
indicating the inscription-covered floor with a sweep of his hand.
"So?" said the Sammy. "Same way over in our country. Why don't you get
a more interesting preacher?"
A colored preacher called on a white minister.
He found the white man busy writing.
"What you-all doin'?" he asked.
"I'm preparing notes for my sermon for next Sunday."
The colored gentleman shook his head.
"I certainly would nebber do dat, sir," he said. "De debbil am
a-lookin' right over your shoulder and knows everything you gwine to
say and he am prepared for you. Now, I don't make no notes and when
I gets up to talk, neder me nor de debbil hisself don't know what I'm
goin' to say."
Bishop Partridge is a collector of anecdotes about ministers, and in
an anecdotal mood he said the other day:
"I once asked a minister how he had got through a certain service. He
answered grimly:
"'Well, bishop, the service was soothing, moving and satisfactory.'
"'Yes,' I said a little puzzled.
"'Yes, exactly,' said he. 'It was soothing because over half the
congregation went to sleep. It was moving because half of the other
half left before I was through. And it must have been satisfactory,
inasmuch as I wasn't asked to come again.'"
The minister had just preached his farewell sermon to the congregation
with whom he had had much trouble.
"How beautiful!" said a visitor to one of the deacons, "and how
appropriate for a farewell sermon!"
"Think so?" said the deacon gruffly.
"Why, yes. What better text could he find than 'In My Father's house
are many mansions.... I go to prepare a place for you.' By the way,
where is he going?"
The deacon smiled sourly as he answered: "He becomes chaplain of the
State penitentiary."
While a certain Scottish minister was conducting religious services in
an asylum for the insane, one of the inmates cried out wildly:
"I say, have we got to listen to this?"
The minister, surprised and confused, turned to the keeper and said:
"Shall I stop speaking?"
The keeper replied:
"No, no; gang along, gang along; that will not happen again. That man
only has one lucid moment every seven years."
Mr. Bryan says his next statement will be divided into three parts.
Instinctively we recall the announcement of a mountaineer preacher who
said to his flock:
"Brethren, I hev decided t' divide my sermon in three parts. Th' fust
part I'll understand an' you won't. Th' second part you'll understand
an' I won't. Th' third part nobody'll understand."
The teacher had asked, "Why did David say he would rather be a
door-keeper in the house of the Lord?"
"Because," answered a boy, "he could then walk outside while the
sermon was being preached."
"It was hot last Sunday night when the preacher started his Sunday
sermon," says the _Fort Scott (Kan.) Tribune_.
"He observed that his sermon would be brief; that to be immortal, it
is not necessary to be eternal."
The critical instinct grows by what it is fed upon. No matter how well
you do, some people are never satisfied and this is especially true in
families.
A Philadelphia divine was entertaining a couple of clergymen from New
York at dinner. The guests spoke in praise of a sermon their host had
delivered the Sunday before. The host's son was at the table, and one
of the New York clergymen said to him: "My lad, what did you think of
your father's sermon?"
"I guess it was very good," said the boy, "but there were three mighty
fine places where he could have stopped."
_See also_ Clergy.
PREJUDICE
Prejudice means "judging before" you have the facts. Never judge till
after you have the facts. Nothing is so utterly devoid of reason as a
passionate hatred of any race or class. All men are much the same when
you come to know them. Class or race faults are superficial. The human
qualities strike deep.--_Dr. Frank Crane_.
A prejudice is a conviction not shared by you.
"Do you like codfish?"
"No, I don't like codfish, and I'm glad I don't like it, because if I
liked it I'd eat it, and I hate the damn stuff."
PREPAREDNESS
GRUBBS--"Are you planning to make any good resolutions?"
STUBBS--"No, I am already pretty well stocked up in that way. You see,
I never used those I made last year."
PRESCRIPTIONS
"You must give up coffee and--"
"I never drink it, doctor."
"And stop smoking."
"I don't smoke."
"Humph! that's bad. If you haven't anything to give up, I'm afraid I
can't do much for you."
"Why do you bring a check with the cocktails?"
"That isn't a check. That's the house chemist's certificate."
The curator of the museum was classifying Egyptian curios. He observed
a perplexed expression on the face of his young assistant.
"What seems to be the matter, Jones?" he asked. "Is there anything you
don't understand?"
"Yes, sir," answered the helper. "Here is a papyrus on which the
characters are so badly traced that they are indecipherable. How shall
I classify it?"
"Let me see," said the curator, examining the piece. "Just call it a
doctor's prescription in the time of Pharaoh."
Spirit writing--the modern doctor's prescription--_Life_.
_See also_ Names, Personal.
PRETENSION
Pretension is a kind of velvet cloak
I wear to hide my real self from view,
And yet where'er I meet with other folk
I always find they wear this garment too.
Pretension is a kind of golden veil
Behind whose mesh I seek to hide my face,
And yet where'er I go I never fail
To see that others wear it too with grace.
Pretension is a thing I say I hate
In both myself and in my dearest friend,
And yet whene'er I slyly watch and wait
I find in some regard we all pretend.
--_Ernest Powell_.
Where there is much pretension, much has been borrowed: Nature never
pretends.--_Lavater_.
When half-gods go, the gods arrive.--_Emerson_.
PRICES
"Have any trouble in getting your money back?"
"Not a bit," replied the dissatisfied purchaser. "But I got the worst
of it, as usual. The price of the article had jumped so by the time I
got back to the store that they made a profit by getting it in stock
again."
Jean longed for a kitten. When illness made it necessary for Jean to
go to the hospital, her mother said:
"I will make a bargain with you, Jean. If you will be a brave little
girl about your operation, you shall have the nicest kitten I can
find."
Jean took the ether, but later, as she came out from under the
anesthetic, she realized how very wretched she felt. The nurse leaned
over to catch her first spoken word.
"What a bum way to get a cat!" moaned the child.--_Harper's_.
The most cheerful sign is that counterfeiters are again finding it
worth while to make money.
PRIDE
Randolph Bourne, a brilliant American writer who recently died, left
many thoughts that stand out like cut diamonds. Here is one: "Only
Pride is creation."
Pride forms one of the towering pillars in the structure of efficient
performance.
Not until you feel the worth of what you do, are you able freely
to dominate and achieve. Through the hard days of darkness and
discouragement, up and beyond the gruelling grades of steep ways, are
you asked to go if you desire substantial reward. It takes pride to
endure.
It is pride in a man's heart that makes him a willing gift, in mind
and body, to be taken in hand by some great idea or noble cause.
Pride does not stoop to littleness. Rather does it see in the signs
of unselfishness and sacrifice the elements that lead to eternal
character.
Life is but a link in the chain of everlasting good.
If a man dies, does lie live again? Yes, for a man lives forever in
the deeds and thoughts of his life expression. And every man who shall
pass his thought through every age that has been, shall be whitened
and renewed, to go on his way the better for every creative thought
left behind.
It's the pride in a man's soul that leads him on!
Pride creates first--then contributes in natural turn.
Until we become too proud to stoop to mean ways and unworthy ends, we
shall have tasted of but a sample of what life holds in substance and
bigness.--_George Matthew Adams_.
To acknowledge our faults when we are blamed is modesty; to discover
them to one's friends in ingenuousness, is confidence; but to
preach them to all the world, if one does not take care, is
pride.--_Confucius_.
PRINTERS
Some of the finest jokes extant come through the fact that the
printer's finger slips. Here are some which, like all others, are
funny a long, long, long time afterward--never at the time.
A Chicago paper reported that the propeller _Alaska_ was leaving port
with a cargo of 40,000 bushels of cats.
A Buffalo paper, in describing the scene when Roosevelt took the oath
of office as President, said it was a spectacle never to be forgotten
when Roosevelt, before the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and a
few witnesses, took his simple bath.
PRISONS
BILL--"I see the authorities seriously object to the prisoners forging
checks while in Sing Sing."
TILL--"Well, I suppose they think it is particularly bad form for the
prisoners to do that sort of thing while enjoying the hospitality of
the State."
VISTOR (at the jail)--"Poor man! What are you locked up here for?"
PRISONER (wearily)--"I suppose they think I'd get out if I wasn't."
PROFANITY
When father came home to dinner he observed a vacant chair at the
table. "Where's the boy?" he asked, nodding to the chair.
"Harry is up-stairs," came in a tone of painful precision from the
mother.
"I hope he is not sick."
There was an anxious pause. "No, he is not sick," continued the
mother. "It grieves me to say, Richard, that our son, your son, has
been heard swearing on the street. I heard him myself."
"Swearing!" exclaimed the father. "I'll teach him to swear!"
And with that the angry parent started up-stairs in the dark. Half-way
up he stumbled and came down with his chin on the top step.
When the confusion had subsided Harry's mother was heard saying from
the hallway: "That will do, Richard, dear. You have given him enough
for one lesson."
Sometime ago a pious young clerical prevailed on a rather profane
aviator to take him for a flight. After attaining several thousand
feet the motor suddenly stopped, revealing to the uttermost the
aviator's gift of profanity.
The alarmed pastor excitedly demanded if there was any danger. The
pilot replied sarcastically that there would be prayer instead of
profanity if there was any danger.
The motor "cut in" again and the flight continued. Suddenly the motor
stopped again and notwithstanding the pilot's efforts, accompanied
by the usual lurid language, he was forced to alight. Just as he
flattened out for his landing, the pilot was disconcerted by hearing
the parson exclaim in fervid tones: "Thank God the aviator is still
swearing."
Small Ann's mother had been disturbed to hear her using the word
"devil." "My dear," said she, "that is a word we do _not_ use in
polite society, and I never want to hear you say it again."
She noticed that her admonition was carefully heeded. Then on Sunday
evening, about two weeks later, the mother inquired what the day's
lesson had been about. "Why, mother," was Ann's answer, "it was about
when our Lord was tempted by the--by--by--the--the _gentleman that
keeps hell!_"
Young William was evincing much interest in the evening paper, but
finally a puzzled look came over his countenance.
"Mother," said he, finally, "what does D--d stand for?"
"Doctor of Divinity, my son. Don't they teach you the common
abbreviations in school?"
"Sure; but that don't seem to sound right here."
"Read it out aloud."
"WITNESS: I heard the defendant say, I'll make you suffer for this.
I'll be doctor of divinity if I don't!'"
"Say, Sam, why do you-all carry that parrot around with you on the
wagon?"
"Well, yo' see, boss, I'se a membah of the chu'ch, but de mule ain't,
so I hauls the pa'ot to fu'nish the cussin' fo' de mule."
FATHER--"I'm ashamed to see you crying because a bee stung you. Act
like a man."
BOBBIE--"Y-yes, and th-then you-you'd gim-me a li-lickin', like you
s-said y-you would i-if yon ever h-heard m-me usin' that k-kind of
l-language."
PROFESSIONS
An ambitious young man went to a university professor and said:
"Sir, I desire a course of training which will fit me to become the
superintendent of a great railway system. How much will such a course
cost, and how long will it take?"
"Young man," replied the professor, "such a course would cost you
twenty thousand dollars, and require twenty years of your time. But,
on the other hand, by spending three hundred dollars of your money and
three months of your time you may be elected to Congress. Once there
you will feel yourself competent to direct not one but all the great
railroad systems of our country."