chance to do the work with which he was familiar, if the penitentiary
dealt in his line. A tailor named Levinski arrived, and it was ordered
that he be employed at that trade, if there was an opening. There
wasn't. He was asked if he was adept at anything else. "Yes," he
replied, with a smile, "I am a crackerjack traveling salesman."
PROFITEERS
The wicked garage-keeper was trying to figure out his income tax.
"If a man brings his car to me to be repaired, and it costs me sixty
cents, and I charge him sixteen dollars, what per cent profit would I
be making?" he demanded of his son and heir.
"I'm sure I don't know, pop," answered that young hopeful. "You'll
have to get somebody who knows the rules of grand larceny to tell you
that. The rules for percentage wouldn't cover it!"
"Say, Cy, I jest found out what a rube is."
"Thet so, Hiram? What is it?"
"Why, it's one o' them forty-one hour, ninety-five dollar a week labor
guys that thinks a farmer is goin' to sell him food cheap."
Old Omar doubtless had us in mind when he spoke of the profit's
paradise to come.
Another reason why pickpockets seem to be on the increase may be
because profiteering isn't what it was a few months ago.
PROGRESS
I was explaining the other day, to a member of our organization, that
there was no such thing as "standing still" in this world--that we
lost ground immediately we ceased to make progress. Quick as a flash
he put my thought in a few words when he remarked, "We're either
coming or going." That's it exactly. When we do not improve, learn,
develop old ideas or find new ones--we go backwards. And you and I
know how fast we go, when there's no driving power to keep us going
forward.--_E. M. Statler_.
"No, sah, Ah doan't neber ride on dem things," said an old colored
lady looking in on the merry-go-round. "Why, de other day I seen dat
Rastus Johnson git on an' ride as much as a dollah's worth an' git
off at the very same place he got on at, an' I sez to him, 'Rastus,' I
sez, 'yo' spent yo' money, but whar yo' been?'"
Beneath this starry arch,
Naught resteth or is still;
But all things hold their march
As if by one great will.
Move one, move all:
Hark to the footfall!
On, on, forever.
--_Harriet Martineau_.
PROHIBITION
A bone-dry nation means a life full of sorrows without any chance of
drowning them.
_Classic Thoughts on Prohibition_
I love fools' experiments.--_Darwin_.
The rising world of waters dark and deep.--_Milton_.
Earth a failure, God-forsaken,
Ante-room of Hell!--_Kingsley_.
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.--_Shakespeare_.
The law is a ass, a idiot.--_Dickens_.
Lean, hungry, savage anti-everythings.--_Holmes_.
The remedy is worse than the disease.--_Bacon_.
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts.
And men have lost their reason.--_Shakespeare_.
Drink today, and drown all sorrow;
You shall perhaps not do't tomorrow.--_Fletcher_.
The Hell of waters!--_Byron_.
The frigid theories of a generalizing age.--_Disraeli_.
O, happy, happy Liver!--_Wordsworth_.
--_E.H._
"Do you think there's a chance of prohibition's being repealed, after
all?"
"I hope not," answered Uncle Bill Bottletop; "anyhow, not soon."
"I thought you didn't quite approve of prohibition."
"I don't, quite. But for years folks have been talking about a lot o'
chaps that 'ud be such wonders if they didn't drink, an' I want to see
'em get a little more time to make good."
"It is indeed a pleasure," remarked the man who approves of
prohibition, "to be able to walk the streets without seeing a saloon
on every corner."
"And yet," returned the unregenerate one, "it's a great comfort to
know they are there, even if you don't see them."
Prohibition doesn't prohibit; it just provokes.
"Mamma, what does it mean when you're wined and dined?"
"That's an obsolete term, Harold. Now you are only grape-juiced and
cornbreaded."
"This Prohibition outlook is a trifle expensive."
"How so?"
"Why, I've just had to build an addition to my wine cellar."
"Well," said the first clubman, "we may have to drink water pretty
soon."
"Water?"
"Yes, that's the stuff the waiter brings you with your napkin."
_When It Comes_
_We Shall Miss_
That appointment with an old business acquaintance.
Calendars from our favorite brewery.
Blotters from same.
Reunion dinners.
(a) College.
(b) Fraternity.
Scientific dissertations on the only non-refillable bottle.
Stories about how Broadway spent New Year's eve.
The real mint julep.
The 5:15--without being unjustly accused.
_We Shall Not Miss_
Sermons against rum.
Sermons against Prohibition.
The free lunch.
The Southern gentleman who says he's the only man who can make the
real mint julep.
German beer gardens.
The man who never drinks without offering a toast.
New Year's eve on Broadway.
Comic-opera drinking songs.
A vote on the next Constitutional amendment.
BLUCK--"Why do vessels leaving New York make the greatest speed the
first three miles?"
BLYNK--"The bartenders help stoke."
"Do you find that prohibition has deprest Crimson Gulch?"
"No," answered Cactus Joe. "We're more cheerful than usual. Everybody
seems to think it's a great joke on all the rest of the boys."
"_Going Up_"
SMITH--"Do you realize that we are beholding the completion of a great
cycle in history?"
JONES--"Explain."
"Three hundred and six years ago the island of Manhattan was bought
from the Indians for six quarts of whisky."
"Well?"
"Well?--Within six months, maybe, the descendants of those Indians
will be able to buy it back for the same price."
I, U.S. Boose, realizing that the jag is up, declare this to be
my last will and testament: To my beloved Cocktail I bequeath
three-fourths of my evil estate, and to my faithful Highball I leave
a large share of the blame. To my sister, Wine, I give the family
grapevine and kitchen still. To my cousin, Cider, I bequeath the old
apple orchard and enough wormy fruit to keep the country moist and my
memory green.
"So you're a moonshiner?" remarked the interested tourist. The lanky
mountaineer drew himself up haughtily.
"Mister, you got me wrong," he asserted. "Since prohibition come in
we-uns call ourselves irrigation engineers."
_Discovery_
I met a man
Who knows a woman
Who has a sister
Who is married to a man
Who is related to a girl
Who knows a man
Who knows a man
Who has never pulled a prohibition joke.
I shall try to trace him.
And when the nations disarm, some statesman will slip in a joker
permitting the building of battleships for medicinal purposes.
A drunkard of long standing has been reformed by an operation which
removed a bone that pressed against the brain. The Detroit News also
reports a number of cures effected by the removal of a brass rail that
was pressing against the foot.
"Having any success with your garden?"
"The best ever," replied Mr. Jagsby.
"What are you raising?"
"Nothing. But if I hadn't had a row with one of my new neighbors over
his chickens and then a reconciliation I might not have discovered
that he had a well-stocked cellar."
PROMOTERS
The man who was selling oil stock was asked if there were any
indications of oil where his company was drilling.
"Indications!" he said. "Why, I should say so. We have three thousand
acres leased, have a standard rig up, have three hundred feet of
casing on the ground and more ordered, have our company organized
and incorporated and a million shares of stock printed, have opened
offices in three cities, have two hundred people selling stock, are
only forty miles from a pipe line, and there was no oil found in those
other wells about there, so it must be in our well. Oh, we have plenty
of indications. How many shares do you want?"
"Pop, what is a promoter?"
"A promoter, my son, is a man who can make either a dollar or a penny
look like thirty cents."--_Life_.
PROMPTNESS
On the occasion of the death of a chief of one of the department
bureaus in Washington, a clerk in that bureau was dashing madly down
the street when he was stopped by a friend, who asked: "Why the deuce
are you in such a tearing hurry?"
"I am going," explained the clerk, "to the funeral of my chief, and
there is nothing he hates like unpunctuality."
"I'm sorry to find the baroness out. Don't forget to tell her I
called, will you?"
"No, sir, I'll tell her at once."
PRONUNCIATION
"Wasn't it _fearful_ about the Reims cathedral?"
"Don't say Reems; it sounds _horribly_ ignorant."
"Well, how do you pronounce it?"
"Why, _Hranss_."
_"How?"_
"Hn--Hranhss! Just as if you were clearing your throat. See? Hranss!"
"Well, _you_ sound as if you had a dreadful influenza, threatened with
grip!"
"Well, that's right, anyhow. H--hn--hnh--_hrahnhss_!"
"You'd better go to Arizona! You'll _never_ get well here! I don't
believe you, anyway. Everybody says _Reems_."
"They don't, either!"
"They do so!"
"Oh, well, it depends on the sort of people you associate with--"
"Well, I _don't_ go with a lot of fake highbrows, anxious to show off
the French they learned in a course of lessons by mail--"
"Better than a lot of country junks who don't know how to pronounce--"
"Oh, well, the church wasn't hurt much, anyhow."
"No, they say it can be repaired. How do you like my hat?"
"Heavenly! What do you think of mine?"
"Adorable! Let's go in and have soda."
"Let's."--_Carolyn Wells_.
PROPERTY
"Property is the fruit of labor; property is desirable; is a positive
good in the world. That some should be rich shows that others
may become rich, and hence is just encouragement to industry and
enterprise. Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of
another, but let him work diligently and build one for himself, thus
by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when
built."--_Abraham Lincoln_.
PROPOSALS
"No," said the positive girl, "I will never tie myself down to one
man."
"Perhaps," he replied sarcastically, "if I organize a syndicate you
will consider our offer."
MERCHANT (to applicant for job)--"Sorry, but I only employ married
men."
APPLICANT-"Do you happen to have a daughter, sir?"
"I love you! I love you!" he murmured for the nineteenth time. "Speak!
Answer me!"
The maiden coyly hung her head.
"I--oh, Tom, this is so sudden!" she pleaded.
He drew her close to him.
"Don't be afraid, darling!" he said gently. "Would you like me to ask
your mother first?"
With a sudden cry of alarm she threw her arms around his neck.
"No, no!" she gasped. "Mother is a widow. I want you myself!"
"Yes, she rejected me, but she did it in a most encouraging way."
"How was that?"
"As I went away, she pointed to the footprints that I had made on the
carpet, and said: 'The next time you come to propose to me, I want you
to wipe your shoes clean!'"
Long had he worshipped her at a distance, but his shyness prevented
him from proposing. Then, one evening, for the sake of sweet charity,
a theatrical performance took place, in which the charmer was leading
lady and more adorable than ever. Afterward the shy admirer drew near,
his love made valiant by the sight of her beauty. "You are the star of
the evening," he said as they stood alone in a corner.
"You are the first to tell me so," said the damsel with a happy blush.
"Then," he retorted promptly, "may I not claim my reward as an
astronomer?"
The lady looked puzzled. "What reward?" she asked.
"Why, the right to give my name to the star I have discovered!"
"So you want to marry Alice, do you?" asked the girl's father of her
young man.
"Very much indeed," replied the youth.
"Can you support a family?"
The young man reflected a moment, and then asked, "How many are there
of you, sir?"
FRANK--"When you proposed to her I suppose she said: 'This is so
sudden?'"
ERNEST--"No, she was honest and said: 'This suspense has been
terrible.'"
One evening some time since John Henry called on the darling of his
heart, and while talking to the fair one he casually referred to some
of the hardships of the present day.
"I see, Gladys," he remarked, "that the price of coal has gone up
again, and that it is hard to get at any price."
"Has it?" responded Gladys, without showing any great concern.
"Yes," answered John Henry, "and they say they are also advancing
house rents, while sugar--"
"Look here, John Henry!" suddenly interjected the fair one, with a
withering expression. "If you want to break off our engagement, say
so, but don't try to beat around the bush in such a cowardly way."
"Will you have me for your wife?" said the leap-year maiden, sweetly.
"Since you have suggested it, I will," he replied. "But just remember,
Mame, if I don't turn out to be all you expect you have only yourself
to blame."
The pretty girl of the party was bantering the genial bachelor on his
reasons for remaining single.
"No-o-o, I never was exactly disappointed in love," he meditated. "I
was more what you might call discouraged. You see, when I was very
young I became very much enamored of a young lady of my acquaintance;
I was mortally afraid to tell her of my feeling, but at last I screwed
up my courage to the proposing point. I said, 'Let's get married.'
"And she said, 'Good Lord! Who'd have us!'"--_Everybody's_.
HE (cautiously)--"Would you say 'Yes' if I asked you to marry me?"
SHE (still more cautiously)--"Would you ask me to marry you if I said
I would say 'Yes' if you asked me to marry you?"
"Congratulate me, Freddy. Last night your sister promised to marry
me."
"Oh, she promised mother she'd marry you long ago."--_Life_.
HE-"I called to see your father this afternoon."
SHE (fluttering visibly)-"Oh, did you?"
HE--"Yes; he has been owing our firm a little bill for some time."
"So you want to marry my daughter," said Mr. Cumrox.
"Yes," replied the young man. "I hope to hear you say take her and be
happy!"
"No, sir. I'm not going to shoulder any implied responsibilities. All
I am going to say is 'take her.'"
HARRY--"Marry me and your smallest wishes will always be fulfilled."
CARRIE--"I am able to do that myself. What I want is a man who will
gratify my biggest wishes."
"I was speaking with your father last night," he said at last,
somewhat inanely.
"Oh, were you?" answered the sweet young thing, lowering her eyes.
"Er--what were you--er--talking about?"
"About the war in Europe. Your father said that he hoped the fighting
would soon be over."
The sweet young thing smiled.
"Yes," she remarked. "I know he's very much opposed to long
engagements."
PROSPERITY
For some people half the battle consists in looking prosperous; the
other half, in getting credit on the strength of such prosperity.
PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT
We all "ketch" 'em at the psychological moment:
The doctor, when they think they are going to die.
The lawyer, when they think they are going to be sent to jail.
The dentist, when they think a tooth is going to blow off their heads.
The tax collector, when they think they are going to be sold out.
The garage man, when they think they are going to have a blow-out.
The captain, when they think the major is on their trail.
The undertaker, when they don't think any more!
PSYCHOLOGY
"Father," said the small boy, "what is psychology?"
"Psychology, my son, is a word of four syllables that you ring in to
distract attention when the explaining gets difficult."
A small boy seated on the curb by a telephone-pole, with a tin can by
his side, attracted the attention of an old gentleman who happened to
be passing.
"Going fishing?" he inquired, good-naturedly.
"Nope," the youngster replied. "Take a peek in there."
An investigation showed the can to be partly filled with caterpillars
of the tussock moth.
"What in the world are you doing with them?"
"They crawl up trees and eat off the leaves."
"So I understand."
"Well, I'm fooling a few of them."
"How?"
"Sending 'em up this telephone-pole."--_Judge_.
PUBLIC, THE
What the country needs is not a phonographic record to preserve a
candidate's voice, but something to preserve what's left of the voice
of the people.
_The Ultimate Victim_
When capital wants extra gains.
On profits tightens all the reins,
Who has to suffer all the pains?
The public.
When labor gets dissatisfied,
And would conditions override,
Who gets submerged beneath the tide?
The public.
When strikes put up the price of food,
And each side holds firm attitude,
Who always has to make loss good?
The public.
When street-cars cease to run, and balk
At all conciliation talk,
Who has to pay the freight and walk?
The public.
When managers and actors fight
And theaters are closed at night,
Who sees amusement out of sight?
The public.
Who in disputes which rise each day,
Is not permitted any say,
But always loses either way?
The public.
The public! the public! How many fools does it take to make up a
public?--_Chamfort_.
PUBLIC SCHOOLS
At a teachers' institute in an Eastern city a speaker said that, in
his opinion, "the trouble with the public-school system of today is:
The teachers are afraid of the principals, the principals are afraid
of the superintendent, he is afraid of the school committee, they are
afraid of the parents, the parents are afraid of the children, and the
children are afraid of nobody!"
PUBLIC SPEAKERS
A captain in the merchant marine who received much commendation
for his wonderful courage and endurance during the war was asked to
address a meeting in the West. Ex-President Taft spoke first and
at considerable length, and when he had finished the audience rose,
almost to a man, to leave the building. The chairman sprang to his
feet, rushed to the edge of the platform, and called excitedly: "Come
back and take your seats. Come back, every one of you! This man went
through hell for us during the war, and it is up to us now to do the
same for him."
"Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman of the evening, "in a few
minutes I shall introduce the gentleman who is to address you. It is
not my function to deliver a speech at this time, but I shall just
use up five or ten minutes so that you may know how good a speech you
would have had to listen to were I the speaker and he the chairman."
"Have you ever taken a tail-spin in an airplane?"
"No, but I've been called upon unexpectedly to make a speech, and I
guess the sensation is about the same."
"It must break the theme of your lecture to be interrupted by your
audience."
"The secret of success for a lecturer, my boy," replied the foreign
visitor, "is not to have a theme."
"That speaker certainly made a hit."
"What did he talk about?"
"About ten minutes."
EMPLOYER (coming upon colored porter looking through the
dictionary)--"What are you doing, Sam; looking up some more big words
for another speech?"
"No, sah. 'Tain't that. Ah's jes' translatin' the speech ah made las'
night."
CHAIRMAN (of public banquet)--"Gentlemen, before I introduce the next
speaker, there will be a short recess, giving you all a chance to go
out and stretch your legs."
GUEST--"Who is the next speaker?"
CHAIRMAN--"Before telling you who he is, I would rather wait until you
come back."--_Life_.
William Lyon Phelps, professor of English Literature at Yale, declares
he gets credit for only 25 per cent of the after-dinner speeches he
actually makes. "Every time I accept an invitation to speak, I really
make four addresses. First, is the speech I prepare in advance. That
is pretty good. Second, is the speech I really make. Third, is the
speech I make on the way home, which is the best of all; and fourth,
is the speech the newspapers next morning say I made, which bears no
relation to any of the others."
"What would be a good way to raise revenue and still benefit the
people?"
"Tax every speech made in this country."
"Many's de speech I has listened to," said Uncle Eben, "dat left me
wonderin' whether I was gettin' infohmation or entertainment."
A noted Frenchman, on visiting England was asked to speak at a
banquet. Being interested in his subject he spoke at great length.
Suddenly realizing another speaker was to follow him he closed his
remarks with an apology, saying "I am very sorry but there is another
speaker and I am afraid I have cockroached on his time."
A burst of laughter greeted this remark and in much confusion he
turned to the Englishman next to him and asked what break he had made.
The Englishman, in a reassuring manner, said "It wasn't exactly
a break only here in England we don't say cockroach, we say
'h--encroach.'"
A political meeting was on in a certain Iowa town and Thomas R.
Marshall, Vice-President of the United States, was to speak. The
hall was packed and the air was stifling. For some reason, it was
impossible to open the windows, and one had to be broken.
It was feared that the noise would startle the audience and perhaps
throw them into a panic. The mayor of the town stepped forward to give
warning. The audience, however, had not assembled to listen to the
mayor, and overwhelmed him with cries of "Marshall! Marshall!"
Silence was not restored till the infuriated official yelled at the
top of his voice:
"I'm not going to make a speech! I have something to say!"
"Do you know what it is to go before an audience?"
"No. I spoke before an audience once, but most of it went before I
did."
A lank, disconsolate-looking farmer, stood on the steps of the town
hall during the progress of a political meeting.
"Do you know who's talking in there now?" demanded a stranger,
briskly, pausing for a moment beside the farmer. "Or are you just
going in?"
"No, sir; I've just come out," said the farmer, decidedly.
"Congressman Smiffkins is talking in there."
"What about?" asked the stranger.
"Well," continued the countryman, passing a knotted hand across his
forehead, "he didn't say."
"You haven't had much to say lately," commented the old friend.
"True," replied Senator Sorghum. "But you must give me credit for one
thing--I realized the fact and kept still."
Captain "Ian Hay," on one of his war lecture tours, entered a barber's
shop in a small town to have his hair cut.
"Stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked.
"Yes, I am," Ian Hay replied. "Anything going on here tonight?"
"There's a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay," said the
barber: "but if you go you'll have to stand, for every seat in the
hall is sold out."
"Well, now," said Ian Hay, "isn't that provoking? It's always my luck
to have to stand when that Hay chap lectures."
_See also_ Politicians.
PUBLISHERS
He was a typical gamin, so diminutive in stature that I had to stoop
to interrogate him, which I did in this way:
"Where do you get your papers, my little man?"
"Oh, I buy 'em in the Times alley."
"What do you pay for them?"
"Fi' cents."
"What do you sell them for?"
"Fi' cents."
"You don't make anything at that?"
"Nope."
"Then what do you sell them for?"
"Oh, just to get a chance to holler."
PUNCTUALITY
_Epitaph for Any New Yorker_
I, who all my life had hurried,
Came to Peter's crowded gate;
And, as usual, was worried,
Fearing that I might be late
So, when I began to jostle
(I forgot that I was dead)
Patient smiled the old Apostle:
"Take your Eternity," he said.
--_Christopher Morley_.
_See also_ Alarm clocks.
PUNCTUATION
"Can't you stretch a point?"
"Certainly," said the period. And thus was born the comma.
A high-school girl said to her father the other night:
"Daddy, I've got a sentence here I'd like you to punctuate. You know
something about punctuation, don't you?"
"A little," said her cautious parent, as he took the slip of paper she
handed him.
This is what he read:
"A five-dollar bill flew around the corner"
He studied it carefully.
"Well," he finally said, "I'd simply put a period after it, like
this."
"I wouldn't," said the high-school girl; "I'd make a dash after it!"
PUNISHMENT
In one of the many navy schools a young instructor was attempting to
teach English to a gruff old sailor. "What is a complete sentence?" he
said.
"Solitary confinement, bread and water," was the grim reply.
Among the Monday morning culprits haled before a Baltimore police
magistrate was a darky with no visible means of support.
"What occupation have you here in Baltimore?" asked his Honor.
"Well, jedge," said the darky, "I ain't doin' much at present--jest
circulatin' round, suh."
His Honor turned to the clerk of the court and said:
"Please enter the fact that this gentleman has been retired from
circulation for sixty days."
"Germany is going to be badly surprised when the Allies' peace terms
are read to her. The peace terms are very severe--just, but very
severe."
The speaker was Assistant Secretary of the Navy Roosevelt. He went on:
"Germany is going to feel like Rastus Rosin, who was convicted of
stealing a hog.