When Pa is sick, he's scared to death,
An' Ma an' us just holds our breath.
He crawls in bed, an' puffs and grunts,
And does all kinds of crazy stunts.
He wants "Doc" Brown, an' mighty quick,
For when Pa's ill he's mighty sick.
He gasps and groans, an' sort o' sighs,
He talks so queer, an' rolls his eyes.
Ma jumps an' runs, an' all of us,
An' all the house is in a fuss.
An' peace and joy is mighty skeerce--
When Pa is sick, it's something fierce.
"Come upstairs, and let me wash your hands," said mother, when she
arrived with her little daughter for tea at granny's.
"I don't want to go up," wailed Winnie, aged four.
"Let her wash them down in the kitchen," called grand-mamma. "She can
do it just as well."
"No," her mother said firmly. "I want her to come up with me!"
Winnie went upstairs as slowly as possible.
"Oh," said she, turning a wrathful tearful face to her mother, "Why
don't you obey your mother?"
_Three Children_
Three children sliding on the ice
Upon a summer's day.
As it fell out they all fell in,
The rest they ran away.
Now, had these children been at home,
Or sliding on dry ground,
Ten thousand pounds to one penny
They had not all been drowned.
You parents all that children have,
And you too that have none,
If you would have them safe abroad
Pray keep them safe at home.
WILLIE--"I guess my dad must have been a pretty bad boy."
TOMMIE--"What makes you think that?"
WILLIE--"Because he knows exactly what questions to ask me when he
wants to know what I have been doing."--_Puck_.
Daddy came home from the office early one evening and mother had not
returned from some friends whom she had been visiting for tea.
Little four-year-old Gwennie ran up to her father's side. "Daddy," she
cried, "I've been wanting to see you for a long time when mother's not
near."
"Why, my little girl?" asked father.
"Well, dad," answered Gwennie, "please don't tell mother, because
she's an awful dear, but I don't think she knows much about bringing
up children."
"What makes you think that?" asked her father.
"Well," replied Gwennie, "she makes me go to bed when I am wide awake
and she makes me get up when I am awfully sleepy."
BOBBY--"Daddy, look! There's an aeroplane."
ABSORBED DADDY--"Yes, dear--don't touch it."
PARROTS
"Mercy! How that bird swears!" exclaimed the would-be purchaser. "What
would my husband say?"
"I dunno, ma'am," replied the dealer. "But whatever it was this 'ere
parrot could repeat it right over after him."
OLD LADY--"I want you to change that parrot I bought from you--he
doesn't speak at all, and you said he'd repeat every word he heard."
SHOPMAN--"Yes, madam, and so he would--but you took him in such a
hurry that I hadn't time to tell you he was deaf."
A.E. Clark, editor of The City Bulletin, of Columbus, Ohio, was with a
friend who was campaigning for the Red Cross. The friend knocked at a
door and a voice said, "Come in."
His friend tried the door, then shouted, "It's locked!"
"Come in," repeated the voice, and the campaigner replied:
"It's locked."
"Come in."
"It's locked."
At that point a woman put her head out of a window next door and said:
"There's no one at home. You're talking to the parrot."
PARTNERSHIP
The partners of a well-known Stock Exchange house were having a dinner
conference at an uptown hotel. One of them appeared worried during the
progress of the meal, and finally he was queried as to the cause of
his fit of abstraction.
"I just happened to remember that I neglected to lock the safe before
I left the office," he replied.
"Why worry?" said another member of the firm. "We are all here."
"I'll clean th' snow off yer walk for a quarter."
"Why, I just paid a quarter to have it cleaned."
"Tain't half done."
"Come, come, that isn't a nice way to abuse a fellow worker."
"Oh, dat's all right--he's me pardner."
A bright German gentleman, retired from business, relates the
following little anecdote:
"Going down to New York the other night on the boat," said he, "I got
chatting with a German acquaintance, and asked him what he was doing.
"'Veil', he replied, 'shoost now I am doing nodings, but I have made
arrangements to go into pizness.'
"'Glad to hear it. What are you going into?'
"'Veil, I guess into partnership mit a man.'
"'Do you put in much capital?'
"'No; I doesn't put in no gabital.'
"'Don't want to risk it, eh?'
"'No; but I puts in de experience.'
"'And he puts in the capital?'
"'Yes, dot is it. We goes into pizness for dree year; he puts in de
gabital, I puts in de experience. At the end of de dree year I will
have de gabital, and he will have de experience!'"
PEACE
"Why were all the nations fighting, papa?"
"To make the world safe for democracy, my son."
"Is the world safe for democracy now, papa?"
"It will be, when we have peace."
"When will we have peace, papa?"
"When the world is safe for democracy."
"Will the nations always fight to have peace, papa?"
"Yes, always, my son."
A certain people were much given to deploring war. War, they kept
insisting, was poor business.
Their King heard them, but he didn't take them seriously. The very
first chance he got he picked a quarrel with a neighboring Power, and,
that done, he lifted up his voice in the old way.
"The fatherland is in danger!" he cried. "The honor of the nation is
assailed! My children, be patriots!"
But they couldn't see him. "Not on your life!" they made answer. "You
can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all of
the time, but you can not fool all the people all the time!"
Whereupon the King made haste to patch up his quarrel and was very
careful forever after not to pick another.
This fable teaches that we have still some distance to go before
universal peace can be anything but a joke.
PEDESTRIANS
"You know," said the lady whose motor-car had run down a man, "you
must have been walking very carelessly. I am a very careful driver. I
have been driving a car for seven years."
"Lady, you've got nothing on me. I've been walking for fifty-four
years."
Chug-Chug! Br-r! Br-r-r! Honk! Honk! Gilligillug-gilligillug!
The pedestrian paused at the intersection of two busy cross streets.
He looked about. A motor-car was rushing at him from one direction, a
motorcycle from another, a steam truck was coming from behind, and a
taxicab was speedily approaching.
Zip-zip! Zing-glug!
He looked up, and saw directly above him an air-ship in rapid descent.
There was but one chance. He was standing upon a manhole cover.
Quickly seizing it, he lifted the lid and jumped into the hole just in
time to be run over by an underground train.
PENMANSHIP
Mr. Brown had just registered and was about to turn away when the
clerk asked:
"Beg pardon, but what is your name?"
"Name!" echoed the indignant guest. "Don't you see my signature there
on the register?"
"I do," returned the clerk calmly. "That is what aroused my
curiosity."
PEP
Vigor, vitality, vim and punch--
That's Pep!
The courage to act on a sudden hunch--
That's Pep!
The nerve to tackle the hardest thing
With feet that climb and hands that cling,
And a heart that never forgets to sing--
That's Pep.
Sand and grit in a concrete base--
That's Pep!
Friendly smile on an honest face--
That's Pep!
The spirit that helps when another's down,
That knows how to scatter the blackest frown,
That loves its neighbor, and loves its town--
That's Pep.
To say "I will," for you know you can--
That's Pep!
To look for the best in every man--
That's Pep!
To meet each thundering knock-out blow,
And come back strong, because you know
You'll get the best of the whole damned show--
That's Pep.
--_Henry W. Stern_.
PERCENTAGE
"Speaking of percentages." said the old-time politician, "reminds me
of Tom Bledsoe, who had the butcher shop in our town. He used to buy
rabbits from the boys. One day he hung up a sign announcing rabbit
sausage for sale. People wondered what it was, took a hack at it, and
liked it. Pretty soon he was selling rabbit sausage by the wagon-load.
"But the pure-food inspectors came prying around, and asked Tom how he
could make so much sausage when he got only a few dozen rabbits a day.
Finally he admitted that there was some horse-meat in the sausage.
Then they wanted to know how much horse-meat. After a long grilling he
said it was fifty per cent. When pressed further by his questioners,
he explained that fifty per cent meant one rabbit to one horse."
PERSISTENCE
Persistence can accomplish two things--it can make one either a
success or a bore.
_Fishin'_
"Supposin" fish don't bite at first,
What are you goin' to do?
Throw down your pole, chuck out your bait
And say your fishin's through?
"You bet you ain't; you're goin' to fish
An' fish, an' fish, an' wait
Until you've ketched a bucketful
Or used up all your bait.
"Suppose success don't come at first,
What are you goin' to do?
Throw up the sponge and kick yourself
And growl, and fret, and stew?
"You bet you ain't; you're goin' to fish
An' bait, an' bait ag'in,
Until success will bite your hook.
For grit is sure to win."
PERSUASION
"Mother," said a twelve-year-old of Baltimore, "did you tell father I
wanted a new bicycle?"
"Yes, dear," said the mother, "I told him; but he said he couldn't
afford to buy you one."
"Of course he'd say that; but what did you do?"
"I told him how badly you wanted it, and argued in favor of it, but he
refused."
"Argued! Oh, mother, if it had been something you wanted yourself
you'd have cried a little and then you'd have got it."
Persuasion tips his tongue whene'er he talks.--_Colley Gibber_.
Few are open to conviction, but the majority of men are open to
persuasion.--_Goethe_.
PESSIMISM
TED--"What's the difference between a pessimist and a cynic?"
NED--"The pessimist is without hope, while the cynic is sure you'll
always be able to get a drink if you have the price."--_Life_.
_The Pessimist_
Nothing to do but work,
Nothing to eat but food,
Nothing to wear but clothes,
To keep one from going nude.
Nothing to breathe but air,
Quick as a flash 'tis gone;
Nowhere to fall but off,
Nowhere to stand but on.
Nothing to comb but hair,
Nowhere to sleep but in bed,
Nothing to weep but tears,
Nothing to bury but dead.
Nothing to sing but songs,
Ah, well, alas! alack!
Nowhere to go but out,
Nowhere to come but back.
Nothing to see but sights,
Nothing to quench but thirst,
Nothing to have but what we've got
Thus through life we are cursed.
Nothing to strike but a gait;
Everything moves that goes.
Nothing at all but common sense
Can ever withstand these woes.
--_Ben King_.
It was a mile over Mount Clemens.
The pilot of the plane from Selfridge Field was giving a visiting
officer his first air voyage.
He cut off the motor.
"See those people?" shouted the pilot. "Fifty per cent of them think
we are going to fall."
"They've got nothing on us," was the reply that streamed for a half a
mile back of the plane; "fifty per cent of us do."
THE PESSIMIST--"The best luck any man can have is never to have been
born; but that seldom happens to any one."
Said the weather prophet, "I think it is safest always to predict bad
weather."
"Why's that?"
"Well, people are ready to forgive you if you turn out to be wrong."
Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced to
meet. There was the usual exchange of wit.
"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad.
"Dunno," replied one of the southshires. "We've planted some daffydils
in front of our trench."
"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've planted
acorns."
_See also_ Irish bulls; Optimism.
PHILADELPHIA
The city of Philadelphia offers a liberal reward for the most
important contribution toward civic improvement. A fine opportunity
for manufacturers of alarm clocks.
PHILANTHROPISTS
WEALTHY BENEFACTRESS (stopping in at the hospital)--"Well, we'll bring
the car tomorrow, and take some of your patients for a drive. And, by
the bye, nurse, you might pick out some with bandages that show--the
last party might not have been wounded at all, as far as anybody in
the streets could see."--_Punch_.
PHILOSOPHY
Rube Wilkins says--"You can't get ahead while you're kickin' any more
than a mule can."
All philosophy lies in two words, "sustain" and "abstain."
--_Epictetus_.
The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.--_Henry
Ward Beecher_.
Philosophy, while it soothes the reason, damps the ambition.
--_Bulwer-Lytton_.
PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
_See_ Doctors.
PITTSBURG
PITTSBURG MAN (telephoning to Long Island from New York)--"Ten cents?
Why, in Pittsburg we can telephone to Hades for a nickel."
CENTRAL--"But this is a long-distance call."
PLEASURE
Pleasures are like liqueurs: they must be drunk but in small
glasses.--_Romainville_.
POETRY
EDITOR--"This isn't poetry, my dear man; it's merely an escape of
gas."
WOULD-BE CONTRIBUTOR--"Ah, I see! Something wrong with the meter."
Your poem must _eternal_ be,
Dear sir, it can not fail,
For 'tis incomprehensible,
And wants both _head_ and _tail_.
--_S.T. Coleridge_.
"What is poetry of motion?"
"The kind that's always going from one editor to another."
They were dancing the one-step. The music was heavenly. The swish
of her silken skirts was divine. The fragrance of the roses upon her
bosom was really intoxicating.
"Ah," she smiled, sweetly, with an arch look up into his face, "you
remind me of one of Whitman's poems."
A sudden dizziness seemed to seize him. It was as if he were floating
in a dream. When he had sufficiently gained his breath he spoke:
"Which one?"
"Oh, any one," she replied. "The feet are mixed in all of
them."--_Everybody's_.
POETS
Sir, I admit your general rule,
That every poet is a fool,
But you yourself may serve to show it,
That every fool is not a poet.
--_Alexander Pope_.
Witter Bynner is said to have worked off a pretty good one at the
Poetry Society banquet. Some one asked him if Burns and Noyes could
not be likened to each other. Bynner replied: "Well, you can feel
Burns, while you can only hear Noyes."
When Masefield, the British poet, visited Yale, he finished his
evening's talk and readings earlier than was expected, and the
chairman of the meeting suggested that the poet should read any poem
requested by the audience. The audience, as usually happens, was
dumb. It was an awkward moment. Finally, one of the younger English
Department members rushed agitatedly into the breach.
"Won't you please read 'The Tewksbury Road,' Mr. Masefield?"
The poet looked amazed, then puzzled, and at last said with
a hesitating desire not to offend "these singular Americans":
"Ah--er--I--ah!--would be charmed to do so--really--but I've just read
it!"
Professor Alfred Noyes, the English poet, it is known, likes very much
to read his works aloud to his friends, and at Princeton, with so many
young men under him, he is usually able to gratify this liking to the
full. The other day Professor Noyes said to a junior who had called
about an examination: "Wait a minute. Don't go yet. I want to show you
the proofs of my new book of poems." But the junior made for the door
frantically. "No, no," he said. "I don't need proofs. Your word is
enough for me, professor."
HE--"I tore up that poem I wrote last week."
SHE--"Tore it up? Why, that was the best thing you ever did."
The little agricultural village had been billed with "Lecture on
Keats" for over a fortnight. The evening arrived at length, bringing
the lecturer ready to discourse on the poet. The advertised chairman,
taken ill at the last moment, was replaced by a local farmer. This
worthy introduced the lecturer and terminated his remarks by saying:
"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what 1 personally have
often wondered--what are Keats?"
POLICE
"Why doesn't the policeman pay his fare?" inquired the old gentleman
on the twopenny tram, observing that no money passed between the
constable and the conductor.
"Well, you know, sir," explained the conductor, "you can't get
twopence out of a copper."
"Gent up-town telephones for an officer at once. Burglar in the
house."
"Let me see," said the captain, reflectively. "I've got four men
censoring plays, two inspecting the gowns at a society function, and
two more supervising a tango tea. Tell him I can send him an officer
in about two hours."
JUDGE--"You let the burglar go to arrest an automobilist?"
POLICEMAN--"Yes. The autoist pays a fine and adds to the resources of
the State; the burglar goes to prison, and the State has to pay for
his keep."--_Life_.
POLITENESS
Politeness is the art of getting what you want.
MRS. SMITH--"Politeness costs nothing, I am sure, my dear."
SMITH--"No; but if it was advertised at $1.98, a lot more people would
have it."
"Hum, ho!" sighed the New-Hampshire farmer as he came in from
down-town. "Deacon Jones wants me to be pall-bearer again to his
wife's funeral."
"Wal, you're goin' to be, ain't ye?" asked the farmer's better half.
"I dunno. Y' know, when Deacon Jones's fust wife died, he asked me to
be a pall-bearer, an' I did; and then his second wife died, an' I was
the same again. An' then he married thet Perkins gal, and she died,
and I was pall-bearer to that funeral. An' now--wal, I don't like to
be all the time acceptin' favors without bein' able to return 'em."
Dickie's father was shocked to see his son kick his little playmate.
"Why did you kick John?" he asked, severely.
"I am tired of playing with him. I want him to go home," was Dickie's
answer.
"Then why didn't you ask him to go home?"
"Oh"--it was Dickie's turn to be shocked--"why, daddy, that wouldn't
be polite!"
_See also_ Etiquet.
POLITICAL PARTIES
Kane, Pa., May 21.--During a circus parade here today one of the
elephants, as if to relieve the monotony, flung its trunk in the air
and brought it down with a resounding thump on a mule at the curb
quietly watching the sights.
Altho hitched to a delivery-wagon the mule wheeled about, took aim,
and kicked twice. His hoofs caught the elephant squarely on the
knees. The elephant stopped for an instant, but sought no further
interchanges with the mule and finished the parade with a decided
limp.
When Colonel Roosevelt was making a political speech in Maine he asked
if there was a Democrat in the audience. An old long whiskered man
rose in the back of the room and said, "I am a Democrat." Roosevelt
then asked him why he was a Democrat and he said: "I've always been a
Democrat, my father was a Democrat and my grandfather was a Democrat."
Roosevelt then said: "Then if your father had been a horsethief and
your grandfather had been a horsethief you would be a horsethief?"
"No," he said, "I would be a Republican."
In an Americanization class in one of our large cities, Achilles
Bonglis, a Greek, about fifty years old, was called upon to recite the
oath of allegiance, and did so promptly:
"I pledge allegiance to our flag and the _Republicans_ for which it
stands."
MEMBROOKE--"Backus seems to be a very popular candidate. Is he running
on the Progressive ticket?"
YISTLEY--"No, the Retrogressive, His platform is five-cent trolleys,
ten-cent bread, three-dollar shoes and 1913 rents."
A prominent Chicago politician, when a candidate for an important
municipal office, related the following story of his campaign.
"Once I told three negroes that I'd give a big turkey to the one who'd
give the best reason for his being a Republican.
"The first one said: 'I'se a 'publican kase de 'publican set us
niggers free.'
"'Very good, Pete,' said I. 'Now, Bill, let me hear from you.'
"'Well, I'se a 'publican kase dey don' gib us a pertective tariff.'
"'Fine!' I exclaimed. 'Now, Sam, what have you to say?'
"'Boss," said Sam, scratching his head and shifting from one foot to
the other, 'boss, I'se a 'publican kase I wants dat turkey.'
"And he got it."
POLITICIANS
"And why is he here?" we inquired, stopping in front of Padded Cell
No. 44.
"He was a politician and when he finally got in office he really tried
to carry out his campaign pledges," replied the attendant.--_Judge_.
"Do you find public office an easy berth?"
"I shouldn't exactly call it a berth," said Senator Sorghum,
thoughtfully. "It's more like a hammock: hard to get into comfortably,
and still harder to get out of gracefully."
Here lies Mr. Blank, who, on politics bent,
Was at first quite unable to say what he meant;
But schooled by experience, he soon went ahead,
Once he saw that he never need mean what he said.
"I hope that Wilhelm has not decided to take up politics," mused
Senator Sorghum.
"Why?"
"Because a military man can be definitely disposed of, but a
politician never quits."
In Colorado, remember, the women vote as well as the men.
In the fall of 1910 a man named Smith was running for sheriff against
a man named Jones. One evening just before election Smith rode up to
the barn-yard of an old farmer. The farmer was milking a cow and was
having difficulty with a lusty calf that continually tried to "butt
in." The candidate, to gain the favor of the farmer, took the calf
between his legs and held it until the milking was done. He then
introduced himself: "I am Mr. Smith, the Republican candidate for
sheriff of the county. I suppose you know the man who's running
against me?"
The farmer's eyes twinkled as he slowly drawled: "Waal, I reckon I do.
He's in the house now, holding the baby."--_Everybody's_.
"Some of your constituents are disagreeing with you," said the trusted
lieutenant.
"Well, keep tab on them," replied Senator Sorghum; "when enough
disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'm going to turn
around and agree with them."
"Are you sure your auditors understood all of your arguments?"
"If they did," answered Senator Sorghum, "I wish they'd come around
and explain some of 'em to me."
"Who can furnish a clear definition of a politician?" inquired the
Professor.
"I can," said the son of a Congressman. "To which party do you refer?"
"My proudest boast," declared the politician, who expected this
statement to be greeted with cheers, "is that I was one of the men
behind the guns."
"How many miles behind?" piped a voice from the gallery.
"What is your opinion of relativity?"
"I approve of it," replied Senator Sorghum.
"Then you understand it thoroughly?"
"Friend, if I had always been required to understand thoroughly
everything I approved of I should have transacted considerable less
political business."
"I'm sorry you were defeated," said a sympathetic friend of the
candidate.
"Perhaps it is better so."
"That's the better way to look at it."
"Yes, according to an elderly aunt of mine who keeps up with all
the family connections, I have no fewer than four hundred living
relatives. I couldn't have possibly provided jobs for more than half
of them."
_See also_ Public speakers.
POLITICS
GREEN--"What is the hardest work you ever did?"
CITY EMPLOYEE--"The work I did landing this job, and the next hardest
is the work of keeping it from being taken away from me."--_Judge_.
"I am out of politics for good," announced the Political Boss.
"Whose?" questioned the Green Reporter.
POLITICAL BOSS--"So you wish to enter politics, madam. What are your
qualifications?"
LADY APPLICANT--"Well, I have served three terms as a member of the
Board of Education."
YOUNG 'UN--"I'm taking political economy at college."
OLD 'UN--"That's a useless course. Why learn to economize in politics?
It's not being done."
FIRST PASSENGER--"I understand that your city has the rottenest
political ring in the country."
SECOND PASSENGER--"That's right. But how did you know where I'm from?"
FIRST PASSENGER--"I don't."
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (investigating election fund)--"Dave, what
happened to you before you reached the polls?"
DAVE (an old negro)--"Well suh, the fust thing, suh, a man stopped me
an' said: 'Dave, heah's four dollahs; I want you to go right down to
de polls an' vote for Mr. Brown; he's the Republican candidate for
Congress and a very fine man.'"
PROSECUTOR--"Did you take the money?"
DAVE--"O, yassir, I took de money. And then, as I wuz goin' on down de
street another man stops me and says: 'Dave, heah's seven dollahs; I
want you to go right down to de polls an' vote for Mr. Rogers; he's
the Democratic nominee for Congress and a very fine man.'"
PROSECUTOR--"Did you take that money, too, Dave?"
DAVE--"O, yassir, I took dat money, too, suh."
PROSECUTOR--"Then, Dave, how did you vote?"