congregation, and finally he stopped in a little church just as the
congregation read with the minister:
"We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and we
have done those things which we ought not to have done."
The man dropped into a pew with a sigh of relief.
"Thank goodness," he said, "I've found my crowd at last."
HIX--"I understand your Church has sent the minister to Michigan for a
month."
DIX--"Yes, that's right."
HIX--"For a vacation, I suppose?"
DIX--"Yes; the congregation decided that we were entitled to one."
CHURCH ATTENDANCE
"What's the idea of free pews?"
"Well, it gives everyone a chance to stay away from church at a
minimum expense."
_Why They Went to Church_
Mrs. Clogg went to find out where the missionary meeting would be
held.
Willie Jones went because his mother made him.
His sister went because she had her hair up for the first time.
Sadie Williams went to flirt with the Scott boy.
The Scott boy went to flirt with Sadie Williams.
James B. Jenkins went because he had done so for fourteen years.
The sexton went because he had to pump the organ.
One of the girl ushers in a Flatbush theater had a problem offered her
the other evening. She was showing two women to their seats.
"Is the show this evening fit for church women to see?" asked one of
the pillaresses of a Flatbush congregation.
"I--I don't know," responded the girl. Then she brightened. "You see,"
she said, "I don't have no time to go to church."
Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England town, was shaving
one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, when a
conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's former
connection with a colored church in that place:--
"I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you
not, Mr. Dickson?" said his customer.
"No, sah, not at all."
"What! are you not a member of the African Church?"
"Not this year, sah."
"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I may be permitted
to ask?"
"Well, I'll tell you sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a concave razor
on the palm of his hand, "it war just like dis. I jined the church in
good fait; I give ten dollars toward de stated gospill de fus' year,
and de church people call me 'Brudder Dickson'; the second year my
business not so good, and I gib only five dollars. Dat year the people
call me 'Mr. Dickson.' Dis razor hurt you, sah?"
"No, the razor goes tolerably well."
"Well, sah, the third year I feel berry poor; had sickness in my
family; and I didn't gib noffin' for preachin'. Well, sah, arter dat
dey call me 'dat old nigger Dickson'--and I left 'em."
CHURCH DISCIPLINE
Two Methodist preachers, one white and the other colored, served rural
charges in Mississippi which were conterminous. The negro received a
considerably larger salary than his white brother, who asked him if it
was not his custom to expel his members who failed to pay. "No, boss,"
he replied, "we would not like to put the gospel on a money basis. We
gets them to subscribe, and if they don't pay we turns them out for
lying."
CITIZENS
All the talk of hypenated citizenship has evidently had its effect
upon a San Francisco youngster, American born, who recently rebelled
fiercely when his Italian father whipped him for some misdemeanor.
"But, Tomaso," said one of the family, "your father has a right to
whip you when you are bad."
Tomaso's eyes flashed. "I am a citizen of the United States," he
declared. "Do you think that I am going to let any foreigner lick me?"
CITY AND COUNTRY
_See_ Country life.
CIVICS
Mrs. Profiteer was very proud of the stunts they were doing at the
smart private school to which she had sent her daughter.
"My dear," she said to her friend, "she's learning civics if you
please."
"What's civics?" asked the friend.
"Civics? My dear, don't you know? Why, it's the science of interfering
in public affairs."
CIVILIZATION
France says it is art.
England says it is conquest.
America says it is energy.
Italy says it is song.
Russia says it is work.
Japan says it is imitation.
Satan says it is his private "movie."
Nations, like individuals, live and die; but civilization cannot
die.--_Mazzini_.
The truest test of civilization is not the census, nor the size of
cities, nor the crops; no, but the kind of man the country turns
out.--_Emerson_.
CLASS DISTINCTIONS
Secretary Hoover said at a banquet: "One difference between Europe
and America is that over there they like to keep you in your
place--stationary, you know, while here we like to see a man rise.
"The European idea is pretty well illustrated by the remarks of
Muggins. Muggins on his return from the pub one Saturday night, said
to his wife:
"'I believe in manly pride and reasonable ambition, but when Sergeant
Todd with his cork leg takes to carryin' a cane besides, it looks
to me as if he was tryin' to climb out of the station what Divine
Providence sunk him into.'"
CLEANLINESS
"Ma, do I have to wash my face?"
"Certainly!"
"Aw, why can't I just powder it like you do yours?"
General Sherman once stopped at a country home where a tin basin and
roller-towel sufficed for the family's ablutions. For two mornings the
small boy of the household watched in silence the visitor's toilet.
When on the third day the tooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc.,
had been duly used, he asked: "Say, mister, air you always that much
trouble to you'se'f?"
_See also_ Baths and bathing.
CLERGY
Some time ago a dinner was given in New York at which a well-known
actor, who is something of a freethinker along theological lines, sat
at the guest-table. When the hour for starting the feast arrived the
toastmaster, a very religious man, discovered that no minister of the
Gospel was present, tho several had been invited. In this emergency he
turned to the actor and asked him to say grace.
The actor rose, bowed his head, and in the midst of a deep hush said
fervently:
"There being no clergyman present, let us thank God!"
_Horse-power Misrated_
The new minister drove his two-horse rig up to the mountain ranch of
one of his congregation. There had been some difference of opinion as
to his qualifications. At the gate he was met by a small boy of the
family, who was evidently cogitating a matter of deep perplexity.
"Be you our preacher?"
"I am."
The boy eyed first the preacher and then the horses, his brow puckered
with growing perplexity.
"That's queer," he drawled. "I hern Dad tell the neighbors you was a
one-hoss preacher."
Ting-a-ling-a-ling!
The Rev. George C. Abbitt took down the receiver and placed it to his
ear.
"Is that the Dickel Liquor Company?" a woman asked.
Mr. Abbitt recognized the voice as that of one of his parishioners.
"No," he replied in stern reproof; "it is your rector."
Was there a dull thud?
No.
"Indeed," said the lady, quick as a flash, "and pray what are you
doing there?"
TEARFUL PARISHIONER (saying farewell to departing minister)--"I don't
know what we will do when you are gone, Dr. Blank."
MINISTER--"Oh, the church will soon get a better man than I am."
TEARFUL PARISHIONER--"That's what they all say, but they keep getting
worse and worse."
A clergyman was accustomed to use scientific terms which the people
did not understand. A deputation waited on him with the request that
in the future, whenever he used such terms, he would explain them.
On the following Sunday he used the word "hyperbole," and added:
"As agreed on, I beg to explain this word. Were I to say that at this
moment the whole of my congregation are sound asleep, it would
be hyperbole; but if I say that one-half are asleep, that is not
hyperbole, but the truth."
The next day the deputation again called to say that the minister
need not explain technical terms; they'd learn their meaning from a
dictionary.
A minister came to the Episcopal church, at Williamsport, Pa., to
speak.
"Do you wish to wear a surplice?" asked the rector.
"Surplice!" cried the visitor. "Surplice! I am a Methodist. What do I
know about surplices? All I know about is a deficit!"
The Scotch minister rose and cleared his throat, but remained silent,
while the congregation awaited the sermon in puzzled expectancy. At
last he spoke:
"There's a laddie awa' there in the gallery a-kissin' a lassie," he
said. "When he's done ah'll begin."
A clergyman famous for his begging abilities was once catechizing a
Sunday-school. When comparing himself as pastor of the church to a
shepherd, and his congregation to the sheep, he put the following
question to the children: "What does the shepherd do for the sheep?"
To the confusion of the minister a small boy in the front row piped
out: "Shears them!"
A small town boasts a female preacher. One day when working in her
study she heard a timid knock at her door. Answering the summons she
found a bashful young German on the step.
"Good-afternoon," the preacheress remarked. "What do you wish?"
"Do der minister lif in dis house?"
"Yes, sir."
"Yess? Veil, I vant to kit merriet."
"All right; I can marry you."
The lady's hair is beginning to silver and the German glanced at it.
Then without comment he jammed his hat on his head and hurried down
the walk.
"Will you be back?" she called.
"You gits no chance mit me," he answered. "I don't want you; I haf got
me a girl alreaty."
A clergyman was spending the afternoon at a house in the English
village where he had preached. After tea he was sitting in the garden
with his hostess. Out rushed her little boy holding a rat above his
head. "Don't be afraid, mother," he cried; "he's dead. We beat him and
bashed him and thumped him until"--catching sight of the clergyman, he
added, in a lowered voice--"until God called him home."
Two Irish women in the market place of Cork were talking of the new
curate.
"Arrah, Biddy," said one, "did ye hear him last Sunday when he
preached on 'Hell'?"
"Faith an' I did that same, and shure he might have been born and
reared there, so well did he know all about it."
An Episcopal rector and a Roman Catholic priest had neighboring
churches and didn't get along very well. After some time, however,
they got together and decided to bury the hatchet.
"For, after all," said he of the Episcopal faith, "we are both doing
the Lord's work."
"That is true," said the priest. "Let us therefore do his work to the
best of our ability: you in your way," concluded the priest, and then
added with a twinkle, "and I in his!"
_See also_ Contribution box; Preaching.
CLOTHING
"I simply can't understand the combination of my wife's clothes."
"What puzzles you?"
"Well, when she wants to hide anything, she pokes it down her neck,
but when she wants to get it again it's always in her stocking."
_Why They Don't Wear Old Clothes_
Father--Because he never can tell when he might be detained at the
office on business.
Brother Bill--Because he has got to look his best in case he meets (a)
a certain young lady, (b) her father, (c) her mother, (d) any other
near relative of (a).
Sister May--Because everybody would know it if she put on one of last
year's dresses.
Angela, aged five--Because she has outgrown everything she ever wore.
Tommy, aged seven--Because he has outworn everything he hasn't
outgrown.
The Richest Man in Town--Because he can't afford to look shabby.
The Poorest Man in Town--Same reason.
The Mayor--Because he is mayor.
His Chief Rival--Because he hopes to become mayor.
The President of the Ladies' Federation--Because the newspapers are
forever sending photographers after her.
Mother--Because there's no fun playing the game alone.
Where are the clothes of yesteryear--
And of the year before?
Bare is the cupboard--shelf and hook;
Barren, the garret's cobwebbed nook;
Empty, the darksome drawer!
Why should they strangely disappear--
All the old clothes of yesteryear?
Where are the clothes of yesteryear?
Easy would be the search.
Seek them where duty or pleasure calls;
Seek them in learning's classic halls--
Office or club or church.
Rich and lowly, alike, appear
Wearing the clothes of yesteryear.
Honor the clothes of yesteryear,
Deal with them tenderly;
Don them gladly and make them last,
Friends of an opulent era past;
Stout may their fabric be!
Drink long life to their new career--
Here's to the clothes of yesteryear!
--_Jennie Betts Hartswick_.
"I'm afraid these Louis XV heels are much too high for me. Perhaps you
have lower ones--say about Louis X would do, I think."
I can not wear the old suit
I wore long years ago;
It's shiny at the shoulders,
My knees and elbows show.
But on investigation I
Discover this is true:
I can not wear the old suit,
Nor can I buy a new.
"Is this the hosiery department?" said the voice over the phone.
"Yes," replied the weary saleslady.
"Have you any flesh-colored stockings in stock?" asked the voice.
"Yes," replied the weary saleslady. "Whaddy ya want--pink, yellow, or
black?"
They had been poor all their lives. Then one day Uncle Oscar died,
leaving Henry a large sum of money. He cashed the check, hurried home,
and threw the whole amount in his wife's lap. "At last, my dear," he
said, "You will be able to buy yourself some decent clothes."
"I'll do nothing of the sort," sezz she. "I'll get the same kind that
other women wear."
CLUBS
"A lady, you know, rang up the club the other evening.
"'Please call my husband to--,' she began, but she was interrupted.
"'Your husband ain't here, ma'am,' said the attendant, blandly.
"'My goodness gracious me!' the lady exclaimed, 'You're mighty sure
about it, aren't you? And I haven't told you my name yet, either.
Look here, mister, how do you know my husband isn't at the club when I
haven't told you my name?'
"The attendant answered more blandly than ever:
"'Nobody's husband ain't never at the club, ma'am.'"
COAL
There is a New York scientist who is greatly interested in coal
mining. He decided to subscribe to a press-clipping bureau, to get
every new slant on coal. He said to the clipping bureau: "I want
everything you can find about coal." The first clipping he got was an
article about a man who was suing his wife for a separation because
she hit him on the head with a lump of coal.
COFFEE
Senator Stone, of Missouri, is a lover of coffee, and unless it is
both strong and good the waiter at restaurant or hotel soon hears from
him. Recently he took a little trip to Baton Rouge and went into a
restaurant for dinner. On raising his cup to his lips he made a wry
face and then beckoned to the proprietor.
"What do you call this stuff?" he asked.
"Coffee," meekly replied the man, somewhat surprised.
"Coffee!" repeated Stone with scorn. "I could put a coffee bean into
my mouth, dive into the Mississippi River from the end of this street,
swim 'way up to Vicksburg, and I'll guarantee that any one could bail
up much better coffee than this over the entire route!"
COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
DRESSMAKER--"I have come to see you sir, about Mrs. Brown's account."
BROWN (angrily)--"Why don't you see my wife about it and not come to
me?"
DRESSMAKER--"I have, several times, but every time I call she does
nothing but order a new gown."
A young Swede in South Dakota, who had been sent out to collect bills
for the general store, returned with this report:
"Yon Brown, he say he pay when he sell his wheat; Ole Oleson, he
say he pay when he sell his oats; and Yon Yonson, he say he pay in
Yanuary."
"In January?" repeated the proprietor, surprised. "Why, he never set a
date before. Are you sure he said in January?"
"Veil, Ay tank it bane Yanuary. He say it bane dam cold day when you
get your money."
During an epidemic in a small Southern town every infected house
was put under quarantine. After the disease had been checked, an old
negress protested vigorously when the health officers started to take
down the sign on her house.
"Why, Auntie," exclaimed the officer, "why don't you want me to take
it down?"
"Well, sah," she answered, "dey ain' be'n a bill collectah neah dis
house sence dat sign went up. You-all let it alone!"
Little Andrew was playing in the yard, in which there is a coop for
his pigeons. All pigeons were inside with the exception of one which
was walking up and down in front of the door. Andrew ran up to his
mother in great excitement and said:
"Mamma, is that one a collector?"
Whereat his mother asked him why. Then Andrew said:
"Well, he can't get in."
"Hello Millett," called out a neighbor one morning "I saw you starting
away yesterday morning very early on your fishing trip. Did you have
any luck?"
"Great!" was the reply. "While I was away three collectors called."
"I wish to see Mr. Jones about a bill."
"He's away on vacation, sir."
"Did he leave any address?"
"Yes, sir. For bill collectors it's 'Somewhere in America.'"
MERCHANT: "They say you are very successful with old bills and seldom
have to dun them twice. What's the secret?"
BAD-BILL COLLECTOR: "I am afflicted with insomnia and do my collecting
nights."
A Texas tradesman has this pertinent sign in a conspicuous place in
his store:
Man is made of dust.
Dust Settles.
Be a Man!
"Norah," said Mrs. Dedbeat, from the top of the stairs, "tell that man
who is ringing the doorbell that I am not receiving today!"
The servant girl went to the door and said something to the man; then
she stepped into the hall and called upstairs:
"I told him you were not receivin' today, ma'am! But he says he ain't
deliverin', he's collectin'!"
He was running a small provision-store in a newly developed district,
and the big wholesale dealers found him very backward in payment of
his accounts.
They sent him letter after letter, each more politely threatening than
the last. Finally they sent their representative down to give him a
sporting chance.
"Now," said the caller, "we must have a settlement. Why haven't you
sent us anything? Are things going badly?"
"No. Everything's going splendidly. You needn't worry. My bankers will
guarantee me all right."
"Then why haven't you paid up?"
"Well, you see, those threatening letters of yours were so well done
that I've been copying them and sending them round to a few customers
of my own who won't pay up, and I've collected nearly all outstanding
debts. I was only holding back because I felt sure there must be a
final letter, and I wanted to get the series complete."
_Probably Meant Florida_
"So the doctor told you to go to a warmer climate. What was the nature
of the trouble you consulted him about?"
"I went there to collect a bill."
"Why don't you pay your bills?" angrily demanded the collector, after
his tenth fruitless call.
"What?" exclaimed Mr. Dedbete. "Do you imagine I could be so
hard-hearted as to deprive you poor fellows of your employment?"
ARTIST--"I'm awfully sorry I can't pay you this month."
LANDLORD--"But that's what you said last month."
ARTIST--"You see I keep my word; you can have confidence in me."
_See also_ Bills; Debts.
COLLECTION BOX
_See_ Contribution box.
COLLEGE GRADUATES
"There's a college graduate at the door. He wants a job."
"What can he do?" asked the self-made man.
"He says he's pretty good in Greek."
"Umph! Tell him I haven't sold $1 worth of goods to Greece since I've
been in the export business."
COLLEGE STUDENTS
"I am delighted to meet you," said the father of the college student,
shaking hands warmly with the professor. "My son took algebra from you
last year, you know."
"Pardon me," said the professor, "he was exposed to it, but he did not
take it."
RUPERT--"What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last
night?"
ROLAND--"They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry."
RUPERT--"Ye gods, the entire history of England was on them."
'07--"You are always behind in your studies."
'23--"Well, you see, sir, it gives me a chance to pursue them."
STUDENT (writing home)--"How do you spell 'financially'?"
OTHER--"F-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-l-l-y, and there are two R's in
'embarrassed.'"--_Harper's_.
_See also_ Degrees.
COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
SOPH.--"How does it happen you came to Harvard? I thought your father
was a Yale man."
FRESH.--"He was. He wanted me to go to Yale; I wanted to go to
Princeton. We had an argument and he finally told me to go to
H----."--_Yale Record_.
_On The Aristocracy of Harvard_
I come from good old Boston,
The home of the bean and the cod;
Where the Cabots speak only to Lowells,
And the Lowells speak only to God!
--_Dr. Samuel G. Bushnell_.
_On the Democracy of Yale_
Here's to the town of New Haven,
The home of the truth and the light;
Where God speaks to Jones in the very same tones,
That he uses with Hadley and Dwight!
--_Dean Jones_.
COMMITTEE
BOBBIE--"What is a committee, pa?"
FATHER--"A committee, my son, is something which takes a week to do
what one good man can do in an hour."
COMMON SENSE
A farmer, just arrived in town, was walking across the street and
happened to notice a sign on a hardware store, "Cast Iron Sinks."
He stood for a minute and then said, "Any fool knows that."
Common sense is in spite of, not because of age.--_Lord Thurlow_.
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.--_H. W. Shaw_.
COMMUNISM
We were talking to our friend O'Doul about politics, and he was calm
enough until somebody announced himself "a violent radical."
"I can stand for Socialism--a little of it, anyway," said O'Doul
fiercely; "but it's this Communism that makes me mad; I'm not going to
stand for any form of government under which a man can come up to me
and say, 'O'Doul, there are too many men just like you in New York.
You go out and live in Columbus.'"
A--"Your communism is stupid. If everything were divided today, in a
very short time your portion would be gone. What then?"
B--"Divide again!"
COMMUTERS
Stationed at the Mont Sec observation post, near St. Mihiel, a French
soldier was showing the scenery to a doughboy.
"I have been in this section ever since the beginning of the war," he
said. "Back there is Commercy, where my home is."
"I suppose you get home once in a while?" said the doughboy.
"Nearly every week," was the response.
"Hell," said the doughboy, thinking of his own home in South Bend,
Ind. Then, calling to a comrade, he added: "Hey, buddie; here's a guy
what commutes to the war!"
FIRST COMMUTER--"Do you have to take such an early train as this?"
SECOND COMMUTER--"No. But I find the earlier the train the less
everybody cares to talk."
COMPARISONS
MR. JOHNSON (indignantly)--"Now see here, yo'! Dat's twice yo' called
me Jackson! If yo' don't know no moah dan to confuse me wif dat
wall-eyed, knock-kneed, bandy-legged, fiat-footed, paraletic nigger
Jackson, we'll call dis game right here!"
MR. PERSIMMONS--"'Scuse me, Johnson-'scuse me! Don't draw a razor on
me like Jackson did de other night wen I called him Johnson. Yo'
two fellahs ain't such a much alike 'cept in youah looks an general
characteristics. Dat's all."
It is said that Mr. Asquith has only once been known to laugh outright
when on a public platform. The record-making occasion was at a
political meeting in Scotland. The Premier was constantly being
interrupted, one of the chief hecklers being a farmer wearing a large
straw hat. Suddenly from someone in the hall came a very personal
remark concerning Mr. Asquith.
"Who said that?" he demanded, quickly.
There was sudden silence. Then a man in the audience stood up, and,
pointing to the farmer with the straw hat, shouted:
"It was him wi' the coo's breakfast on his head!"
The reply was altogether too much for Mr. Asquith, and he had to join
in the general roar of laughter.
COMPENSATION
"There's a bright side to everything."
"To those high food prices?"
"Certainly. Think of the cases of indigestion they have cured."
A little girl who had been out walking with her aunt heard the latter
complaining that her feet were tired. "My feet get tired too, when
I go out walking," said the small maiden, "but I always think what a
nice ride my stomach has been having."
"Anyhow, there's one advantage in having a wooden leg," said the
veteran.
"What's that?" asked his friend.
"You can hold your socks up with thumb-tacks."
COMPETITION
The clergyman's eloquence may have been at fault, still he felt
annoyed to find that an old gentleman fell asleep during the sermon on
two consecutive Sundays. So, after service on the second week, he told
the boy who accompanied the sleeper that he wished to speak to him in
the vestry.