the bad habit of telling in other offices what happened in that of
his employer. The lawyer found it necessary to discharge him, but,
thinking to restrain him from a similar fault in the future, he
counseled the boy, on his departure, in this wise:
"Tommy, you must never hear anything that is said in the office. Do
what you are told, but turn a deaf ear to conversation that does not
include you."
This struck the boss as such a happy inspiration that, to the end that
his stenographer might learn the same lesson, he turned to her and
said:
"Miss Jones, did you hear what I said to Tommy?"
"No, sir," she returned, promptly.
The firm of Hansen & Fransen was started in wartime and did very well
for a couple of years. But last year things were on the down grade,
and the other day, when the two partners had finished making up their
none-too-good record for the year, Hansen said: "This would make
anyone thoughtful. Now that the good times are over, how about a
little honest business?"
"No, thanks," said Fransen. "I never indulge in experiments."
"There are no more enterprising young men. Why, I remember when it was
a common thing for a young man to start out as a clerk and in a few
years own the business."
"Yes, but cash-registers have been invented since."
The junior partner was harried.
"I shall have to get another typist," he lamented. "Miss Take is
continually interrupting my dictation to ask how to spell a word."
"Dear, dear!" said the senior partner. "That seems a great waste of
time."
"It's not that I mind," responded the other. "But it's so bad for
discipline to keep on saying, 'I don't know'!"
_How Business Men Keep Their Spirits Up_
"Cancel my order at once," came the telegram to the factory. The owner
perpetrated the only new joke in the millennium. His telegram in reply
read: "Your order cannot be cancelled at once. You must take your
turn."
CUSTOMER--"Gee, this is a rotten cigar!"
SHOPKEEPER--"Well, don't complain. You've only got one of them--I've
got ten thousand of the darn things."--_Life_.
EMPLOYEE--"I don't like your methods of doing business, Mr. Grafton. I
resign."
"PRACTICAL" BUSINESS MAN (sneeringly)--"You're a holier-than-thou guy,
eh?"
EMPLOYEE--"No; merely a square peg in a crooked hole."--_Puck_.
A New York lawyer tells of a conversation that occurred in his
presence between a bank president and his son who was about to leave
for the West, there to engage in business on his own account.
"Son," said the father, "on this, the threshold of your business life,
I desire to impress one thought upon your mind: Honesty, ever and
always, is the policy that is best."
"Yes, father," said the young man.
"And, by the way," added the gray-beard, "I would advise you to read
up a little on corporation law. It will amaze you to discover how many
things you can do in a business way and still be honest."
"Dod-burn the luck!" snarled old Gideon Cronk, glaring at the clock.
"That confounded bank is closed! That's a thunderin' pretty howdy-do!"
"Well, you've set round the stove here foolin' with the checkerboard
all the afternoon and let the bank close on you," returned the
landlord of the tavern, "What you kickin' about anyhow?"
"I demand that a public institution shall accommodate its patrons;
that's what!"
"Can't you cash your check in the mornin'?"
"I ain't got no check. But if I had one I'd want to cash it when
I wanted to, wouldn't I? Well, it's the principle of the thing I'm
talkin' about!"
BUSINESS WOMEN
Kate's running a tobacco-shop,
Jane draws a wage from carpentry,
And Amaryllis' patent mop
Defies domestic anarchy;
Marie's so capable that she
Keeps foundry laborers from strife;
She heads a motor company--
But where am I to find a wife?
Eradne's made a wondrous top
That's famed from Maine to Italy;
While Wanda's jointed rabbits hop
Through every modern nursery;
May has a mock canteen, where tea
Is served to sound of drum and fife,
Grace reaps from etymology--
But where am I to find a wife?
Maud's raising a world-famous crop
Where honors tie 'twixt bean and pea;
At Daisy's restaurant each chop
Would rouse a Muse from apathy;
Babette's a broker, who must be
Where rumors anent stocks are rife;
They're all most useful, I agree--
But where am I to find a wife?
I do not know on land or sea,
A girl who'd stay at home with me--
In any varied walks of life.
So how am I to find a wife!
_Charlotte Becker_.
CAMPAIGNS
_See_ Public Speakers.
CANDIDATES
TED--"So you think I'm wasting my time making love to that rich girl?"
NED--"You have about as much chance of winning as a landlord running
for office on a dry ticket."
THE HEELER--"Well, I see that Jimpson, them reformers' candidate f'r
Mayor, is goin' t' have all his meetin's opened with prayer."
THE BOSS--"Good! That means he knows he's licked!"
"What do you think of the candidates?"
"Well the more I think of them the more pleased I am that only one of
them can get in."
_See also_ Politicians.
CANDOR
"How is your wife this morning, Uncle Henry?"
"Well, I dunno. She's failin, dretful slow. I do wish she'd git well,
or somethin'."--_Puck_.
Candor may be considered as a compound of justice and the love of
truth.--_J. Abercrombie_.
Candor is the seal of a noble mind, the ornament and pride of man, the
sweetest charm of woman, the scorn of rascals and the rarest virtue of
sociability.--_Bentsel-Sternau_.
'Tis great--'tis manly to disdain disguise,
It shows our spirit, or it proves our strength.--_Young_.
STATISTICIAN (on the platform)--"These are not my figures, ladies and
gentlemen; they are the figures of a man who knows what he is talking
about."
CAPITAL AND LABOR
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between capital and labor?"
PAW--"Well, the money you lend represents capital, and getting it back
represents labor, my son."
If you divorce capital from labor, capital is hoarded, and labor
starves.--_Daniel Webster_.
CARD INDEX
MINING-STOCK PROMOTER--"Where can I hide? The police are coming!"
CHIEF CLERK--"Get into the card-index case. I defy any one to find
anything in there."--_Judge_.
CARELESSNESS
Care may kill people, but don't care kills more.
The editor in charge of the Personal Inquiry column opened his
seventieth letter with a groan.
"I have lost three husbands," a lady reader had written,
confidentially, "and now have the offer of a fourth. Shall I accept
him?"
The editor dipped his pen in the ink. This was the last straw.
"If you've lost three husbands," he wrote, "I should say you are much
too careless to be trusted with a fourth."
CATALOGING
One of the best examples of the humors of cataloging comes in
Sonnenschein's "Best Books," volume one, page 121, where Prof. Henry
Preserved Smith's well-known Old Testament History appears thus:
_Smith, Prf. Hy._ "Preserved O.T. History."
CAUSE AND EFFECT
It was in one of the social settlements conducted by persons of a
philanthropic turn of mind. The young kindergarten teacher, having
finished the morning's talk on hygiene and sanitation, wished to make
a practical application of the lesson. Turning to one little youngster
whose face, hands and whole appearance bespoke the crying need of soap
and water, she asked:
"Izzy, when the house gets all mussed up and dirty, what does mother
do?"
"We move."
LITTLE BOY--"A penn'orth each of liniment and liquid cement, please."
CHEMIST--"Are they both for the same person, or shall I wrap them up
separately?"
LITTLE BOY--"Well, I dunno. Muvver's broke 'er teapot, so she wants
the cement, but farver wants the liniment. 'E's what muvver broke 'er
teapot on."
An old farmer and his wife drove to market one very wet day when large
pools of water had formed in the roadway between the farm and the
town. On the return journey he met an old friend.
"And how are you today?" was the friendly greeting.
"Very well, thank you," answered the farmer.
"How is the missus?" continued the friend.
"Fine," answered the farmer. "She's behind there"--jerking his thumb
toward the back of the wagon.
"She's not there!" exclaimed the astonished friend.
The old farmer turned and looked over his shoulder. Then he coolly
replied:
"Humph! That accounts for the splash."
CAUTION
A small boy, who was sitting next to a very haughty woman in crowded
car, kept sniffling in a most annoying way, until the woman could
stand it no longer.
"Boy, have you got a handkerchief?" she demanded.
The small boy looked at her for a few seconds, and then in a dignified
tone, came the answer.
"Yes, I 'ave, but I don't lend it to strangers."
CHARACTER
Do not tell me the books you have read; let me glean it from your
conversation. Do not tell me of the people you associate with; let me
observe it by your manners.--_Emerson_.
HOWELL--"What sort of a fellow is he?"
POWELL--"He can make two lemons grow where only one grew before and
then hand them both to you when you are not looking."--_Judge_.
To those who know thee not, no words can paint! And those who know
thee, know all words are faint!--_Hannah More_.
_The Stuff That Counts_
The test of a man is the fight he makes,
The grit that he daily shows:
The way he stands on his feet and takes
Fate's numerous bumps and blows,
A coward can smile when there's naught to fear,
When nothing his progress bars,
But it takes a man to stand and cheer
While some other fellow stars.
It isn't the victory, after all,
But the fight that a brother makes;
The man who, driven against the wall,
Still stands up erect and takes
The blows of fate with his head held high,
Bleeding and bruised, and pale.
Is the man who'll win in the by and by,
For he isn't afraid to fail.
It's the bumps you get and the jolts you get
And the shocks that your courage stands.
The hours of sorrow and vain regret,
That prize that escapes your hands
That test your mettle and prove your worth;
It isn't the blows you deal,
But the blows you take on the good old earth
That shows if your stuff is real.
--_Robert W. Service_.
BORLEIGH--"Some men, you know, are born great, some achieve
greatness--"
Miss KEEN--"Exactly! And some just grate upon you."
CHARITY
A tradesman in a certain town put a box outside his shop one day,
labeled "For the Blind." A few weeks afterward the box disappeared.
"Halloa! What's happened to your box for the blind?" he was asked.
"Oh, I got enough money," he replied. "And," pointing upward to the
new canvas blind that sheltered his shop-window, "there's the blind.
Not bad, is it?"
At a Chamber of Commerce dinner a speaker dwelt at great length upon
the suffering people of China. He suggested that all present should
give something for them. A small dry-goods merchant arose and said:
"You have made for me a feeling already that something should be
given. I move that we give three cheers for China."
"I'm sorry that my engagements prevent my attending your charity
concert, but I shall be with you in spirit."
"Splendid! And where would you like your spirit to sit? I have tickets
here for half a dollar, a dollar and two dollars."
A physician whose sole fee is the consciousness of doing good.
CHEERFULNESS
HE--"There's nothing like cheerfulness. I admire anyone who sings at
his work."
SHE--"How you must love a mosquito!"
CHICKEN STEALING
An old negro was charged with chicken-stealing, and the judge said:
"Where's your lawyer, uncle?"
"Ain't got none, jedge."
"But you ought to have one," returned the Court. "I'll assign one to
defend you."
"No, sah, no, sah, please don't do dat," begged the defendant.
"Why not?" persisted the judge. "It won't cost you anything. Why don't
you want a lawyer?"
"Well, Ah'll tell yo', jedge," said the old man confidentially. "Ah
wants ter enj'y dem chickens mahself."
"Is your husband a good provider, Dinah?"
"Yessum, he's a good providah all right, but I'se allus skeered dat
niggah's gwine er git caught at it."
"Is dem you-all's chickens?"
"Cohse dey's my-all's chickens. Who's chickens did you 'spose dey
was?"
"I wasn' s'posen' nuffin about 'em. But I will say dat it's mighty
lucky dat a chicken won' come a runnin' an' a waggin' its tail when
its regular owner whistles, same as a dog."
Rastus had caught Sambo red-handed.
"Ah'm gwine hab yo' arrested foh stealin' mah chickens, yo' Sambo
Washin'ton-dat's jess what ah'm gwine to do," said Rastus.
"Go ahead, nigguh," retorted Sambo. "Go ahead and hab me arrested.
Ah'll mek yo' prove whar yo' got dem chickens yo'seff!"
JUDGE-"I'm going to fine you five dollars for the chickens you stole
the last two weeks."
RASTUS-"How'll it be if Ah pays seben-fifty, Jedge? Dat'll pay fob up
to an' includin' next Saturday night."--_Life_.
A negro soldier was brought up before his superior officer, who said:
"Sam, you are charged with stealing a chicken from this Frenchwoman's
farm. Now, how about it? Have you any witnesses to stand for you?"
"Witnesses?" echoed Sam in surprise. "No, suh, I ain't hab no
witnesses. When I goes chicken stealing I never hab no witnesses
aroun'."
An old colored uncle was found by the preacher prowling in his
barnyard late one night.
"Uncle Calhoun," said the preacher sternly, "it can't be good for your
rheumatism to be prowling round here in the rain and cold."
"Doctor's orders, sah," the old man answered.
"Doctor's orders?" asked the preacher. "Did he tell you to go prowling
round all night?"
"No, sah, not exactly, sah," said Uncle Cal; "but he done ordered me
chicken broth."
In times of peace Smith might have been an author who had drifted into
some useful occupation, such as that of a blacksmith, but just now he
is cook to the Blankshire officers' mess. Smith sent Murphy into the
village to bring home some chickens ordered for the mess.
"Murphy," said Smith, the next day, "when you fetch me chickens again,
see that they are fastened up properly. That lot you fetched yesterday
all got loose, and tho I scoured the village I only managed to secure
ten of them."
"Sh!" said Murphy. "I only brought six."
CHILD LABOR
SOUTHERNER--"Why are you Northerners always harping on the children
employed in Southern factories?"
NORTHERNER--"Well, for one thing, it detracts people's attention from
the children employed in ours."--Life.
CHILDREN
JOHNNY--"What makes the new baby at your house cry so much, Tommy?"
TOMMY--"It don't cry so very much--and, anyway, if all your teeth were
out, your hair off, and your legs so weak you couldn't stand on them,
guess you'd feel like crying yourself."
A little girl was entertaining the visitors while her mother added
the finishing touches to her toilet. One of the ladies said with a
significant look: "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y," spelling the last word.
"No," said the child quickly; "but awful s-m-a-r-t."
It was time for "baby girl" to be in bed, but no amount of coaxing
could get her there. At last her father offered to lie on the bed
till the "sandman" arrived. Off she went "pick-a-back," and the tired
mother leaned back in her chair with a sigh of content, ready for a
hard-earned rest.
Ten minutes--twenty--half an hour, and she was wondering when her
husband would be down, when all at once she heard a soft, stealthy
pit-a-pat. Nearer came the steps, and then a little white-robed form,
with a tiny finger on her lip, stood in the doorway.
"Hush, hush, muvver," she said. "I'se got farver to sleep."
_Taking a Chance_
Junior was in the habit of coming to the table with a dirty face and,
of course, had to be sent away to wash.
One time his mother, nearly losing patience, said: "Junior, why do you
persist in coming to the table without washing? You know I always send
you away."
"Well," said Junior, meekly, "once you forgot."
TOMMY (after a thumping)--"You're awful hard on me, ma."
MOTHER--"That's because you've been very naughty and wicked."
TOMMY--"Well, gee! You should remember that you didn't die young
yourself."
"Can your little baby brother talk yet?" a kindly neighbor inquired of
a small lad.
"No, he can't talk, and there ain't no reason why he should talk," was
the disgusted reply. "What does he want to talk for when all he has
to do is yell a while to get everything in the house that's worth
having?"
Mrs. Jones was getting dinner ready when in came little Fred with a
happy smile on his face.
"What has mamma's darling been doing this morning?" asked his mother.
"I have been playing Postman," replied little Fred.
"Postman?" exclaimed his mother. "How could you do that when you had
no letters?"
"Oh, but I had," replied Fred. "I was looking in your trunk up in your
room and I found a packet of letters tied 'round with a ribbon, and I
posted one under every door in the street."
A little girl who had visited an Episcopalian church for the first
time described the service as follows:
"When we went in they were standing up, singing, but pretty soon they
sat down and played hide-and-seek."
"Did what?" asked her mother.
"Well, of course no one went and hid, but they all covered up their
faces and counted to themselves."
_Training the Other Woman's Child_
They all sat round in friendly chat
Discussing mostly this and that,
And a hat.
Until a neighbor's wayward lad
Was seen to act in ways quite bad;
Oh, 'twas sad!
One thought she knew what must be done
With every child beneath the sun--
She had none.
And ere her yarn had been quite spun
Another's theories were begun--
She had one.
The third was not so sure she knew,
But thus and so she thought she'd do--
She had two.
The next one added, "Let me see;
These things work out so differently."
She had three.
The fifth drew on her wisdom store
And said, "I'd have to think it o'er."
She had four.
And then one sighed, "I don't contrive
Fixt rules for boys, they're too alive."
She had five.
"I know it leaves one in a fix,
This straightening of crooked sticks."
She had six.
And one declared, "There's no rule giv'n,
But do your best and trust to heav'n!"
She had sev'n.
--_Alice Crowell Hoffman_.
Tom, the country six-year-old, presenting himself one day in even more
than his usual state of dust and disorder, was asked by his mother
if he would not like to be a little city boy, and always be nice and
clean in white suits and shoes and stockings. Tom answered scornfully:
"They're not children; they're pets."
_Up-to-date_
KIND STRANGER--"How old is your baby brother, little girl?"
LITTLE GIRL--"He's a this year's model."
The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of a
brief. So intent was he on his work that he did not hear the door as
it was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was thrust into
his office. A little sob attracted his notice, and turning, he saw a
face that was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings had
been hurt.
"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"
"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I want"--and there was a resolute ring in his voice--"I want a
divorce from my papa and mamma."
"Well," mused six-year-old Harry, as he was being buttoned into a
clean white suit, "this has been an exciting week, hasn't it, mother?
Monday we went to the Zoo, Wednesday I lost a tooth, Thursday was
Lily's birthday party, Friday I was sick, yesterday I had my hair cut,
and now here I am rushing off to Sunday-school."
A little saying from a seven-year-old girl.
NEIGHBOR--"How is your mother this morning?"
LITTLE GIRL--"My mother is at the hospital."
NEIGHBOR--"Why! I did not know your mother was ill."
LITTLE GIRL--"No, it is my aunt who is ill."
NEIGHBOR--"What is the matter with your aunt?"
LITTLE GIRL--"She has a bad headache."
NEIGHBOR--"Why! I did not know any one went to the hospital for a bad
headache!"
LITTLE GIRL (looking up quickly with a very interested, bright look
on her face)--"That is not the real reason, I think; they are spelling
things on me."
A little boy of seven was being scolded in a room adjoining one in
which his grandma lay ill. He motioned toward grandma's room and
quietly said, "Sh--! it's too much for her; it'll wear her out."
Later, grandma thanked him for his consideration, whereupon he
replied, "Don't mention it, gran; that was fifty-fifty--part for you
and part for me."
George was hampered by a mother whose idea of godliness was
cleanliness. Notwithstanding the frequent baths to which he was
condemned George thrived exceedingly. One day a neighbor remarked on
his rapid growth.
"Yes," said George, "that's ma's fault--she waters me so much."
_See also_ Boys.
CHOICES
The Czar was recently complimenting a soldier, and asked him if he
would rather have 100 rubles or the Iron Cross.
"Would your Majesty deign to tell me the value of the cross?" inquired
the private.
"Oh, it is not worth much intrinsically, perhaps two rubles."
"Then, your Majesty, I will take the cross and ninety-eight rubles."
This is an interesting episode, and the most interesting thing about
it is that it also happened during the Franco-Prussian War, the
Crimean War, the Seven Years' War, and the Marlborough campaigns.
_Eyeball or Highball_
An old Scotsman was threatened with blindness if he did not give up
drinking.
"Now, McTavish," said the doctor, "it's like this: You've either to
stop the whisky or lose your eyesight, and you must choose."
"Ay, weel, doctor," said McTavish, "I'm an auld man noo, an' I was
thinkin' I ha'e seen about everything worth seein'."
OFFICER-"Hang it! you've brought the wrong boots. Can't you see one is
black and the other brown?"
BATMAN-"Sure, but the other pair is just the same."
"Let me see! How does that old saying go: 'Of two evils always
choose--?"
"Always choose the one you haven't indulged in before."
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
Dorothy, who is six, has a playmate younger than herself whose parents
are Christian Scientists. One day she said:
"Mother, do you know that it is better to be a Christian Scientist
than anything else?"
Mother asked "Why?" and Dorothy said:
"Well, Julia has 'splained it to me. If you get cross with another
little girl, and you knock her down, if you are a Christian Scientist
you won't have to apologize to her, because it won't hurt her any."
_A Mental Error_
The tram-car was hopelessly overcrowded, and several people, who
had achieved the upper deck, were transgressing all regulations by
standing.
"Now, then," called out the girl conductor, with emphasis, "you can't
stand on top."
"Well," said one literalist, smiling blandly as he peered down the
steps, "we are standing, whether we can or not."
The girl answered nothing, but promptly pressed a button. The car
jumped forward, and the literalist involuntarily took a seat on the
floor.
"There," said the girl apparently in complete good humor, quoting the
barrister in a famous play, "you think you can, but you can't."
A Christian Scientist while walking about the plant met a man doubled
up with pain.
"My man," he said, "What is the matter?"
"I was out to a banquet last night," moaned the man, "And oh, how I
ache!"
"You don't ache," answered the apostle of Mrs. Eddy. "Your pain is
imagination. It is all in your mind."
The man looked up in grave astonishment at such a statement and then
replied in a most positive manner:
"That's all right; you may think so, but I've got inside information."
CHRISTMAS GIFTS
"Isn't this too absurd?" said the hostess, as she read a letter the
maid had handed to her. "I sent Marie Burns the loveliest of bags for
Christmas. It had been given to me, I knew, and I had so many I saved
it to give away. I suppose we all do those things."
The guest nodded.
"Well, here's her letter of thanks, and listen to what she says:
"'Dear Grace: When I gave you that bag three years ago on Christmas I
was so fond of it I could hardly bear to part with it. So I thank
you most heartily for remembering me this Christmas with my own gift,
which I parted with so unselfishly. Cordially yours, Marie Burns.'"
BILL--"I hear that Jones always saves the Christmas presents people
give him and gives them back the following year."
PHIL--"I hope he does that to me. I gave him a quart of brandy in
1918."
Instead of the usual just-before-Christmas letter to Santa Claus,
Robbie wrote a prayer letter to God. After enumerating the many and
varied presents he wanted very much, he concluded with: "Remember,
God, the Lord loveth a cheerful giver."
CHURCH
SCOTT--"What is your notion of an ideal church?"
JACKSON--"One that meddles with neither politics nor religion."