that elderly gentleman you attend church with?"
"Grandpa," was the reply.
"Well," said the clergyman, "if you will only keep him awake during my
sermon, I'll give you a nickel each week."
The boy fell in with the arrangement, and for the next two weeks the
old gentleman listened attentively to the sermon. The third week,
however, found him soundly asleep.
The vexed clergyman sent for the boy and said: "I am very angry with
you. Your grandpa was asleep again today. Didn't I promise you a
nickel a week to keep him awake?"
"Yes," replied the boy, "but grandpa now gives me a dime not to
disturb him."
"Yes," said the specialist, as he stood at the bedside of the sick
purchasing agent, "I can cure you."
"What will it cost?" asked the sick man, faintly.
"Ninety-five dollars."
"You'll have to shade your price a little," replied the purchasing
agent, "I have a better bid from the undertaker."
COMPLIMENTS
A rector in South London was visiting one of his poorer parishioners,
an old woman, afflicted with deafness. She expressed her great regret
at not being able to hear his sermons. Desiring to be sympathetic
and to say something consoling, he replied, with unnecessary
self-depreciation, "You don't miss much."
"So they tell me," was the disconcerting reply.
"You don't seem to enjoy being referred to as a good loser."
"No," replied Cactus Joe. "In the course of time a good loser comes to
be regarded merely as a poor performer."
_See also_ Tact.
CONCEIT
The small girl was at the table drawing, and her mother asked her what
the picture was to be.
"God," replied the child simply.
"But you can't draw God," protested the mother, "because you have
never seen Him; no one has ever seen Him and no one knows what He
looks like."
The small girl licked her pencil and put in another touch. "They'll
all know when I finish this," she said.
A young lady once asked Oscar Wilde to give her a list of the one
hundred greatest books ever written.
"Impossible, my dear," replied Oscar; "I have only written five."
CONDUCT
_I Resolve_
To keep my health
To do my work
To live
To see to it I grow and gain and give
Never to look behind me for an hour
To wait in weakness and to walk in power;
But always fronting onward to the light
Always and always facing toward the right
Robbed, starved, defeated, fallen wide astray
On with what strength I have
Back to the Way.
--_Charlotte Perkins Stetson_.
_Envoy_
If I am happy, and you,
And there are things to do,
It seems to be the reason
Of this world!
Be Noble! and the nobleness that lies
In other men, sleeping but never dead,
Will rise in majesty to meet thine own;
Then wilt thou see it gleam in many eyes
Then will pure light around thy path be shed
And thou wilt nevermore be sad and lone.
--_Lowell_.
"To every man there openeth
A Way and Ways, and a Way,
And the High soul climbs the High Way
And the Low soul gropes the Low,
And in between on the misty flats,
The rest drift to and fro.
But to every man there openeth
A High Way, and a Low,
And every man decideth
The Way his soul shall go."
--_John Oxenham_.
Half the joy of life is in "letting go" every once in a while, and,
if you let go twice every once in awhile, it seems that you have just
that much more fun.
When days go wrong, remember they aren't self-starters.
I often think that anyone can face
A crisis or a crushing tragedy
With calm, exalted courage, but the place
That needs the greatest strength and energy
Is daily grind: to manage just to laugh
At all the petty hazards of each day--
To smile, whilst sifting life's wheat from its chaff
And strive to see just good along the way.
--_Helba Baker_.
_Promise Yourself_
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come
true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect
only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about success of others as you are about
your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater
achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and to have a smile ready
for every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no
time to criticise others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world--not
in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are
true to the best that is in you.
CONFESSIONS
_Open Confession is Good for the Soul_
Surgeon's instrument case lost in some saloon. Reward. Dr. H.E. Lebel.
1227 Hennepin.
A certain rector, just before the service, was called to the vestibule
to meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained that there
wasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," said he, "if you will be
seated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service to
come forward, and I will then perform the ceremony."
The couple agreed, and at the proper moment the clergyman said: "Will
those who wish to be united in the holy bond of matrimony please come
forward?"
Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.
The Irish lad and the Yiddish boy were engaged in verbal combat.
Finally the subject came down to their respective churches.
"I guess I know that Father Harrity knows more than your Rabbi," the
little Irish boy insisted.
"Shure, he does; vy not?" replied the Jewish boy. "You tell him
everything."
CONFIDENCES
A man got in a cab at a Southern railway station and said: "Drive me
to a haberdasher's."
"Yaas, suh," said the driver, whipped up his horse and drove a block;
then he leaned over to address his passenger: "'Scuse me, boss; whar
d' you say you wanter go?"
"To a haberdasher's."
"Yaas, suh; yaas, suh." After another block there was the same
performance: "'Scuse me, boss, but whar d' you say you wanter go?"
"To a haberdasher's," was the somewhat impatient reply.
Then came the final appeal: "Now, look-a-here, boss, I be'n drivin'
in dis town twenty year', an' I ain't never give nobody away yit. Now,
you jes tell dis nigger whar't is you wanter go."
CONGRESS
"How is the law made?" asked the instructor in United States history.
"Oh," replied the maiden, cheerfully, "the Senate has to ratify it;
and then the President has to--has to veto it; and then the House
of Representatives has to"--she hesitated for a moment, and knit her
pretty forehead.
"Oh, yes! I remember now," she said. "The House of Representatives has
to adjourn until the next session!"
"Has this bill been endorsed by the Prohibition party?"
"Yes."
"And met with the approval of the I.W.W. and the Bolsheviki?"
"Yes."
"And O.K.'d by Mr. Hearst?"
"Certainly."
"Then instruct Congress to pass it as another great measure restoring
the rights of the people."
CONSCIENCE
Wilson and Wilton were discussing the moralities when the first put
this question: "Well, what is conscience, anyhow?"
"Conscience," said Wilton, who prides himself upon being a bit of a
pessimist, "is the thing we always believe should bother the other
fellow."
A young fellow who was the crack sprinter of his town--somewhere in
the South--was unfortunate enough to have a very dilatory laundress.
One evening, when he was out for a practice run in his rather airy and
abbreviated track costume, he chanced to dash past the house of that
dusky lady, who at the time was a couple of weeks in arrears with his
washing.
He had scarcely reached home again when the bell rang furiously and an
excited voice was wafted in from the porch:
"Foh de Lawd's sake! won't you-all tell Marse Bob please not to go out
no moh till I kin git his clo'es round to him?"
Many a man feels that he could be quite comfortable if his conscience
would meet him halfway.
CONSCRIPTION
He was a homesick colored soldier in a labor battalion, and he saw no
chance of a discharge.
"De nex' wah dey has," he announced to a friend, "dey's two men dat
ain't goin'--me an' de man dey sends to git me."
A negro registrant from a farming district was called to service.
Arriving in town, he found the local board had moved to another
street. At the new address another negro languished in the doorway.
"Is dis whar de redemtion bo'd is at?" queried the newcomer.
"Sho' is," answered the second. "But de blessed redeemer done gone out
fo' lunch."
Zeb Smith was a drafted man. He saw heavy fighting in France and was
wounded. On his return to the United States he was interviewed by one
whose duty it was to interest himself in the men.
"Smith, what do you intend to do when you are released from the
service?"
"Get me some dependents," was the instantaneous reply.
The called-up one volubly explained that there was no need in his case
for a medical examination.
"I'm fit and I want to fight. I want to go over on the first boat.
I want to go right into the front trenches, but I want to have a
hospital close, so that if I get hit no time will be wasted in taking
me where I can get mended right away, so that I can get back to
fighting without losing a minute. Pass me in, doctor. Don't waste any
time on me. I want to fight, and keep fighting!"
The doctor, however, insisted, and, when he got through, reported a
perfect physical specimen.
"You don't find nothing wrong with me, doctor?"
"Nothing."
"But, doctor, don't you think I'm a bit crazy?"
_See also_ Judgment.
CONSERVATIVES
_See_ Radicals.
CONSOLATION
FIRST WALL STREET BROKER--"Anything to do today?"
SECOND WALL STREET BROKER--"Certainly not."
"Come to a funeral with me. It will cheer you up a bit."--_Life_.
CONTENTMENT
Contentment is merely the knack of not wanting the things we know we
can't have.
Contentment consisteth not in adding more fuel, but in taking away
some fire.--_Fuller_.
Contentment travels rarely with fortune; but follows virtue even in
misfortune.--_Leszczinski_.
To be content with what we possess is the greatest and most secure of
riches.--_Cicero_.
CONTRIBUTION BOX
"I can na' get ower it," a Scottish farmer remarked to his wife. "I
put a twa-shillin' piece in the plate at the kirk this morning instead
o' ma usual penny."
The beadle had noticed the mistake, and in silence he allowed the
farmer to miss the plate for twenty-three consecutive Sundays.
On the twenty-fourth Sunday the farmer again ignored the plate, but
the old beadle stretched the ladle in front of him and, in a loud,
tragic whisper, hoarsely said:
"Your time's up noo, Sandy."
An old colored minister announced that he had invented an automatic
collection basket, which would be passed around by the deacons of his
church. "It is so arranged, my brethren," said he, "dat if you drop in
a quatah or half dollah it falls noiselessly on a red plush cushion;
if you drop a nickel it will ring a bell dat can be distinctly heard
by de entiah congregation; but if you let fall a suspender button, my
brethren, it will fiah off a pistol."
"Father," said the minister's son, "my teacher says that 'collect' and
'congregate' mean the same thing. Do they?"
"Perhaps they do, my son," said the venerable clergyman; "but you
may tell your teacher that there is a vast difference between a
congregation and a collection."
"My sermon on thrift made a tremendous impression on the
congregation."
"How do you know?"
"I could tell when I counted the collection."
"Rastus, how is it you have given up going to church?" asked Pastor
Brown.
"Well, sah," replied Rastus. "it's dis way. I likes to take an active
part, an' I used to pass de collection-basket, but dey's give de job
to Brothah Green, who jest returned from ovah thai-ah."
"In recognition of his heroic service, I suppose?"
"No, sah. I reckon he got dat job in reco'nition o' his having lost
one o' his hands."
BESS--"Somebody passed a counterfeit dime on Bob a year ago, and he
hasn't been able to get rid of it since."
MAIDEN AUNT (horrified)--"What! Does that young man never go to
church, then?"
A Scotch minister in need of funds thus conveyed his intentions to his
congregation:
"Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we have
failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazaar can do
for us."
It is said that the farthing was coined in response to a demand from
Scotchmen for a satisfactory coin for the collection box. It's value
is a fourth of a cent.
A minister was on his vacation in the country. A neighboring church
heard of it and asked him to preach while their own pastor was away.
He consented and, on the Sunday when he was to supply, he and his boy
walked across the fields to the church. In the vestibule there was a
box for voluntary contributions and the minister after feeling around
in his pocket found fifty cents which he dropped in. After the sermon,
the elders came up to express their appreciation for his fine sermon
and then remembered they hadn't yet paid him. They generously decided
to give him all the collection for that Sunday and on opening the
contribution box they found exactly fifty cents. The minister accepted
it and went on his way home. After walking some distance the boy
noticed his father was very silent evidently pondering over something,
so he said, "Father, how much did you get?"
The father replied "Fifty cents, son."
"Why father, that's just what you put in, wasn't it?" asked the boy.
"Yes, son."
Both walked along in silence for some distance further, then the boy
spoke up and said: "Father, if you had put more in, you'd have got
more out, wouldn't you?"
Tight, who had money to burn but was apparently afraid of fire,
happened in a church one day when a collection was being taken for
foreign missions. Eventually the collector reached Tight, but Tight
didn't make any motions like producing beautiful coin.
"Pardon me," said the collector, placing the box before Tight, "we are
taking a collection for foreign missions. Wouldn't you like to add a
little to the amount?"
"No, sir!" was the decisive rejoinder of Tight. "I never give to
foreign missions."
"Then take a little out of the box," softly responded the collector.
"The money is for the benefit of the heathen."
A church in Kansas was raising funds for a new church and the minister
was calling on members for subscriptions. One of the pillars of the
church rose and said: "I subscribe five dollars." Just at that instant
a piece of plaster fell on his head. Half stunned he mumbled "f-f-five
hundred dollars" and the minister prayed "Oh Lord, hit him again."
CONUNDRUMS
A party of young people were amusing themselves by guessing the
answers to conundrums. One of them asked, "Why is the pancake like the
sun?"
"Because it rises in der yeast and sets behind der vest," was the
answer given by a brilliant young Swede.
They were discussing that joke about getting down off an elephant.
"How do you get down?" asked the jokesmith for the fourth time.
"You climb down."
"Wrong!"
"You grease his sides and slide down."
"Wrong!!"
"You take a ladder and get down."
"Wrong!!!"
"Well, you take the trunk line down."
"No, not quite. You don't get down off an elephant; you get it off a
goose."
COOKERY
"So your husband kept house and cooked his own meals while you were
away. Did he enjoy it?"
"He says he did; but I notice that the parrot has learned to swear
during my absence."
"My husband has had indigestion for the past month."
"Really! I'm so sorry! I had no idea you were without a cook."
OFFICER--"Is that soup ready, Jones?"
OFFICER'S SERVANT--"No, sir, the stove went out, sir."
OFFICER--"Went out! Then why don't you light it again?"
OFFICER'S SERVANT--"'Cos it went out by the roof, sir."
"How do you like my pound cake, dearie?" asked Mrs. Newlywed.
"Why, er-er-er," stammered Mr. Newlywed, "I don't think you pounded it
enough, did you?"
She had not been married long. She made a pie for dinner. During the
meal she hesitatingly remarked to her husband:
"I think I left out something and the pie isn't very good."
After taking a bite he sadly replied:
"You are wrong, my dear! Nothing you left out could make a pie taste
like this. It's something you put in."
COOKS
_See_ Servants
COOPERATION
It is not the guns or armament
Or the money they can pay;
It's the close cooperation
That makes them win the day;
It's not the individual
Or the army as a whole
But the everlasting team work
Of every blooming soul.
--_Kipling_.
CORPULENCE
A very fat old lady who got stuck in the door of a car could get
neither out nor in.
"Sideways, ma'am. Try sideways," the conductor shouted helpfully.
"Oh, drat the feller," panted the old lady. "I ain't got no sideways."
"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and not
passing the horse?" said an English cabman, with exaggerated
politeness, to the fat woman who had just paid a minimum fare, with no
fee.
"Why?" she inquired.
"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for so little money 'e'll
'ave a fit," was the freezing answer.
CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS
_The Stamp of Learning_
"Pa, what's a postgraduate?"
"A fellow who graduates from one of those correspondence schools, I
suppose."
COSMOPOLITANISM
JOE--"'Ere, Curly! You know everything-what's a cosmopolitan?"
CURLY--"Well, it's like this-suppose you was a Russian Jew livin'
in England married to a black woman an' you'd just finished a bit of
Irish stew an' was smokin' an Egyptian cigaret, while a German
band outside was playin' the Blue Bells o' Scotland--you'd be a
cosmopolitan."
COST OF LIVING
"He has got the first dollar that he ever earned!"
"What a bally ass! Think how much more he could have bought with it
had he spent it then!"
"She says she prefers to do her shopping by telephone."
"Why so?"
"Says she can't bear to see how little she is getting for the money."
"How's business?"
"Not too good--thanks to some dishonest rascals who are selling goods
at reasonable prices."
"Did you try the simple plan of counting sheep for your insomnia?"
"Yes, doctor, but I made a mess of it. I counted ten thousand sheep,
put 'em on the train, and shipped 'em to market. And when I'd got
through counting the money I got for them at present prices it was
time to get up."
"Father, I need a new riding habit."
"Can't afford it," he growled.
"But, father, what am I to do without a riding habit?"
"Get the walking habit."
In these days of the high cost of living the following story has a
decided point:
The teacher of a primary class was trying to show the children the
difference between the natural and man-made wonders, and was finding
it hard.
"What," she asked, "do you think is the most wonderful thing man ever
made?"
A little girl, whose parents were obviously harassed by the question
of ways and means, replied as solemnly as the proverbial judge:
"A living for a family."
"Why don't you move into more comfortable quarters, old man?"
"I can't even pay the rent on this miserable hole."
"Well, since you don't pay rent, why not get something better?"
MRS. HOMESPUN--"What'll we contribute to the minister's
donation-party?"
FARMER HOMESPUN--"Wal, I dunno, Hannar! Taters is 'way up, pork is
'way up, fowl is 'way up--we'll save money by giving him money."
A farmer, the other day, took a plowshare to the blacksmith's to be
sharpened, and while the blacksmith worked the farmer chuckled and
bragged about a sale of hogs he had just made.
"Them hogs was only eight months old," he said, "and none too fat,
nuther; but I seen that the buyer was at his wits' end, and by skilful
jugglin' I boosted up the price on him just 300 per cent. Yes, by gum,
I got three times more for them hogs than I uster get before the war."
The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the smith 50 cents.
"Hold on," said the smith, "I charge $1.50 for that job now."
"You scandalous rascal!" yelled the farmer. "What do you mean by
treblin' your price on me? What have you done it for?"
"I've done it," said the blacksmith, "so's I'll be able to eat some of
that high-priced pork of yours this winter."
OLD DAME--"You've had two penn'orth of sweets, my little man, but
you've only given me a penny."
THE LITTLE MAN--"Yes, but farver says one penny's got to do the work
of two in war-time."--_Punch_.
"Of course you have your little theory about the cause of the high
cost of living?"
"I have," replied Mr. Growcher: "too many people are trying to make
political economy take the place of domestic economy."
HE--"Yes, I certainly like good food, and always look forward to the
next meal."
SHE--"Why don't you talk of higher things once in a while?"
HE--"But, my dear, what is higher than food?"--_Life_.
A certain judge, after passing sentence, always gave advice to
prisoners. Having before him a man found guilty of stealing, he
started thus:
"It you want to succeed in this world you must keep straight. Now, do
you understand?"
"Well, not quite," said the prisoner; "but if your lordship will tell
me how a man is to keep straight when he is trying to make boths ends
meet, I might."
And another trouble with the country is that too many are trying to
satisfy a bricklayer's appetite on a school-teacher's salary.
SMALL BOY (much interested in shopman's reason for high price
of eggs)--"But, mummy, how do the hens know we're at war with
Germany?"--_Punch_.
"Don't you object to all this talk about the high cost of everything?"
"Not at all," replied the profiteer. "It prepares the mind of a
customer for what he may expect and saves argument."
"How's this, waiter? You've charged me two dollars and a half for
planked steak!"
"Sorry sir, but lumber's gone up again."
Our Government does not profess to live within its income, but only
within ours.
"Farm products cost more than they used to."
"Yes," replied Mr. Corntossel. "When a farmer is supposed to know the
botanical name of what he's raisin' an' the zoological name of the
insect that eats it, and the chemical name of what will kill it,
somebody's got to pay."
_Its Friendly Way_
"How are we to meet the high cost of living?"
"You don't have to meet it," answered the irritating person. "It
overtakes you."
"What are the luxuries of life?"
"Things that were necessities two years ago."
A couple of Philadelphia youths, who had not met in a long while, met
and fell to discussing their affairs in general.
"I understand," said one, "that you broke your engagement with Clarice
Collines."
"No, I didn't break it."
"Oh, she broke it?"
"No, she didn't break it."
"But it is broken?"
"Yes. She told me what her raiment cost, and I told her what my income
was. Then our engagement sagged in the middle and gently dissolved."
COUNTRY LIFE
UNCLE EZRA--"So ye just got back from New York! What's the difference
between the city and the country?"
UNCLE EBEN--"Wal, in the country you go to bed feeling all in and get
up feeling fine, and in the city you go to bed feeling fine and get up
feeling all in."--_Life_.
Little Mary was visiting her grandmother in the country. Walking in
the garden, she chanced to see a peacock, a bird she had never seen
before. After gazing in silent admiration, she ran quickly into the
house and cried out: "Oh, granny, come and see! One of your chickens
is in bloom."
A man living in the heart of London has recently bought a cow, which
he keeps in his back-yard. Thirty milkmen have already been noticed
looking over the wall to see what a cow looks like.
Little Betty had been greatly interested in watching the men in her
grandfather's orchard putting bands round the fruit trees and asked
many questions.
Some weeks later, when in the city with her mother, she noticed a
gentleman with a mourning band round his left sleeve.
"Mamma," she asked, "what's to keep them from crawling up his other
arm?"
A minister, spending a holiday in the North of Ireland, was out
walking, and, feeling very thirsty, called at a farmhouse for a drink
of milk. The farmer's wife gave him a large bowl of milk, and while
he was quenching his thirst a number of pigs got round about him. The
minister noticed that the pigs were very strange in their manner, so
he said:
"My good lady, why are the pigs so excited?"
The farmer's wife replied, "Sure, it's no wonder they are excited,
sir; it's their own little bowl you are drinking out of!"