need books."
1921--"Did you see that movie called 'Oliver Twist'?" FROSH--"Yes, and
say, wouldn't that make a peach of a book?"
Young Isaac stood in line at the library to draw out a book. When his
turn came he asked, respectfully, "Please give me Miss Alcott's Jew
book."
The young lady looked puzzled. "A book by Miss Louisa M. Alcott?" she
queried.
"Yes," reiterated Isaac, "her Jew book."
"Can you remember the title?"
"No; but it's her Jew book," he insisted.
"Well, I'll read over some of the titles of her books to you, and
perhaps you can tell me the one you want when you hear it read."
Patiently she began, "_Little Women, Little Men, Under the Lilacs,
Rose in Bloom_--"
"That's it, that's it!" cried Isaac--"_Rosenbloom_."
A MAID (handing up two books to a library assistant)--"Will you
change these two books, please, for Mrs. Crawley-Smith?"
ASSISTANT--"Are there any others you wish for?"
MAID--"No. Mrs. Crawley-Smith doesn't mind what they are so long as
they have big print and a happy ending."
_Hard to Find_
LIBRARIAN--"What kind of book do you want--fictional, historical,
philosophical--?"
PATRON--"Oh, any kind that H.G. Wells hasn't written."
LIBRARIAN--"We have none!"
BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING
William Dean Howells, at a dinner in Boston, said of modern American
letters:
"The average popular novel shows on the novelist's part an ignorance
of his trade which reminds me of a New England clerk.
"In a New England village I entered the main street department-store
one afternoon and said to the clerk at the book-counter:
"'Let me have, please, the letters of Charles Lamb.'
"'Post-office right across the street, Mr. Lamb,' said the clerk, with
a naive, brisk smile."
"You never can tell," said a traveling salesman. "Now you'd think
that a little New England village, chock full of church influence and
higher education, would be just the place to sell a book like 'David
Harum,' wouldn't you? Well, I know a man who took a stock up there and
couldn't unload one of 'em. He'd have been stuck for fair if he hadn't
had a brilliant idea and got the town printer to doctor up the title
for him. As it was, he managed to unload the whole lot and get out of
town before the first purchaser discovered that 'David's Harum' wasn't
quite what he had led himself to suppose."
Remember what Roger Mifflin says: "When you sell a man a book, you
don't sell him just three ounces of paper and ink and glue--you sell
him a whole new life. Love and friendship and humour, and ships at sea
by night--there's all heaven and earth in a book."
PENFIELD--"What do you know about Bestseller's new book?"
CRABSHAW--"Nothing at all. I've merely read all the reviews of
it."--_Life_.
MANAGER--"Can't you find some way to make yourself busy around here?"
BOOKISH NEW SALESMAN--"Milton, in his 'Sonnet on Blindness,' says:
'They also serve who only stand and wait.'"
MANAGER--"Yes, but you must keep in mind that Milton's most famous
book was about a fellow that lost his job and went to hades."
"What do you think of my library?"
"I was just looking it over and I notice that you were visited by the
same book agents who landed me."
"There's a fellow outside with a volume of poems
(The title, I think is 'The Beautiful Gnomes'),
He says it's the best of poetical tomes."
"I'll see him next Christmas," the publisher said.
"There's a gentleman waiting to tell you about
A novel of his, which, without any doubt
(So he says), will make critics with happiness shout."
"Oh, tell him I'm ill or rheumatic--or dead."
"There's also a lady who's just come away
From Russia; she says that the Reds are at bay,
And she's willing to write it at so much a day."
"I've just left for Portugal, China and Mars."
"And then there's a bookseller--looks like a gink--
From somewhere out West; Indiana, I think.
I'll tell him you're out buying authors a drink."
"A bookseller? In with him! Boy, the cigars!"
--_Edward Anthony_.
CANVASSER--"May I have a few minutes of your time?"
PROSPECT--"Yes, if you will be brief. What can I do for you; I'm a man
of few words."
CANVASSER--"Just the man I'm looking for, my specialty is
dictionaries."
BOOMERANGS
_See_ Repartee; Retaliation.
BOOSTING
Boost your city, boost your friend,
Boost the lodge that you attend.
Boost the street on which you're dwelling,
Boost the goods that you are selling.
Boost the people 'round about you,
They can't get along without you,
But success will quicker find them,
If they know that you're behind them.
Boost for every forward movement,
Boost for every new improvement,
Boost the man for whom you labor,
Boost the stranger and the neighbor.
Cease to be a chronic knocker,
Cease to be a progress blocker.
If you'd make your city better
Boost it to the final letter.
Boost, and the world boosts with you,
Knock, and you're on the shelf,
For the world gets sick of the one who'll kick
And wishes he'd kick himself.
Boost, for your own achievements,
Boost for the things sublime,
For the one who is found on the topmost round,
Is the Booster every time.
It takes no more time to boost a man than it does to knock him--and
think how much pleasanter for everybody.
BORROWERS
Mr. Tucker had unexpectedly come face to face with Mr. Cutting, from
whom he had frequently borrowed money.
"Er--aw--what was the denomination of the bill you loaned me?" he
asked nervously.
"Episcopalian, I guess," said Mr. Cutting. "At any rate, it keeps Lent
very well."
"There's a friend in the outer office waiting for you, sir."
"Here, James, take this $10 and keep it till I come back."
ED--"Have you forgotten you owe me five dollars?"
NED--"No, not yet. Give me time, and I will."
Jenkins was always trying to borrow money, and his friends had begun
to avoid him.
One morning he tackled an acquaintance in the street before the latter
had a chance to escape.
"I say, old man," began Jenkins, "I'm in a terrible fix. I want some
money badly, and I haven't the slightest idea where on earth I'm going
to get it from."
"Glad to hear it, my boy," returned the other promptly. "I was afraid
that you might have an idea you could borrow it from me."
One of the shrewd lairds of Lanarkshire had evidently experienced the
difficulties of collecting money lent to friends.
"Laird," a neighbor accosted him one morning, "I need twenty poonds.
If ye'll be guid enough to tak ma note, ye'll hae yere money back agin
in three months frae the day."
"Nae, Donald," replied the laird, "I canna do it."
"But, laird, ye hae often done the like fer yere friends."
"Nae, mon, I canna obleege ye."
"But, laird--"
"Will ye listen to me, Donald? As soon as I took yere note ye'd draw
the twenty poonds, would ye no?"
Donald could not deny that he would.
"I ken ye weel, Donald," the laird continued, "and I ken that in
three months ye'd nae be ready to pay me ma money. Then, ye ken, we'd
quarrel. But if we're to quarrel, Donald, I'd rather do it noo, when I
hae ma twenty poonds in ma pocket."
ASKER--"Could you lend me a V?"
TELLIT--"No, I couldn't."
ASKER--"Have you a friend that would lend me a V?"
TELLIT--"No. I have not a friend to spare."
"Has Owens ever paid back that $10 you loaned him a year ago?"
"Oh, yes; he borrowed $25 more from me last week and only took $15."
An Oriental story tells us of a man who was asked to lend a rope to a
neighbor. His reply was that he was in need of the rope just then.
"Shall you need it a long time?" asked the neighbor.
"I think I shall," replied the owner, "as I am going to tie up some
sand with it."
"Tie up sand!" exclaimed the would-be borrower. "I do not see how you
can do that!"
"Oh, you can do almost anything with a rope when you do not want to
lend it," was the reply.
MISS PRITTIKID--"But, father, he is a man you can trust."
HER PA--"Gracious, girl; what I want is one I can borrow from."
BOSTON
MR. PENN--"They say the streets in Boston are frightfully crooked."
MR. HUBB--"They are. Why, do you know, when I first went there I could
hardly find my way around."
"That must be embarrassing."
"It is. The first week I was there I wanted to get rid of an old cat
we had, and my wife got me to take it to the river a mile away."
"And you lost the cat all right?"
"Lost nothing! I never would have found my way home if I hadn't
followed the cat!"
Owing to the war a distinguished Boston man, deprived of his summer
trip to Europe, went to the Pacific coast instead. Stopping off at
Salt Lake City, he strolled about the city and made the acquaintance
of a little Mormon girl.
"I'm from Boston," he said to her. "I suppose you do not know where
Boston is?"
"Oh, yes, I do," answered the little girl eagerly. "Our Sunday-school
has a missionary there."
The motorist was a stranger in Boston's streets. It was evening. A man
approached.
"Sir," said he, "your beacon has ceased its functions."
"What?" gasped the astonished driver.
"Your illuminator, I say, is shrouded in unmitigated oblivion."
"I don't quite--"
"The effulgence of your irradiator has evanesced."
"My dear fellow, I--"
"The transversal ether oscillations in your incandenser have been
discontinued."
Just then a little newsboy came over and said:
"Say, mister, yer lamp's out!"
Senator Hoar used to tell with glee of a Southerner just home from
New England who said to his friend, "You know those little white round
beans?"
"Yes," replied the friend; "the kind we feed to our horses?"
"The very same. Well, do you know, sir, that in Boston the enlightened
citizens take those little white round beans, boil them with molasses
and I know not what other ingredients, bake them, and then--what do
you suppose they do with the beans?"
"They--"
"They eat 'em, sir," interrupted the first Southerner impressively;
"bless me, sir, they eat 'em!"
The newly married couple had gone West to live, and as the Christmas
season drew nigh she became homesick.
"Even the owls are different here," she sighed.
"And how is that?" he asked.
"Here they say 'To-hoot-to-who,' and in Boston they say
'To-hoot-to-whom.'"
"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."
"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down.' He's a Boston terrier."
"Well, the Red Sox won the world's series."
"Yes," said the Boston girl, "we feel very proud of the Red--er--the
Red Hose."
BOY SCOUTS
_A Boy Scout's Will_
I, John W. Bradshaw, pioneer scout of the Wolf Patrol, having attained
the age of maturity and realizing that my Boy Scout days are numbered,
do hereby give, devise and bequeath my scout assets, tangible and
intangible, as follows, to wit:
My uniform, pack and equipment, to Larry O'Toole, the son of my
mother's laundress, to be preserved for him until he is old enough to
use them;
My scout's manual, axe and compass, to George Washington Jackson, 3d,
son of my father's handy man, with the admonition that he organize, if
possible, a troop of scouts among the colored boys of the village;
My strap watch with the "see by night" dial, to Roscoe, my small
brother, who has wanted it ever since he learned to tell time;
My waterproof match box and hunting knife, to James Fanning, to be
held in trust until he can repeat the Scout Oath;
To all boys in general I bequeath the knowledge that the Boy Scout
organization teaches obedience, bravery, loyalty, self-respect,
kindness, thrift, cleanliness and reverence; that it makes men of its
members, and that no boy can possibly go wrong by joining it.
BOYS
"I see they are making shingles out of cement now."
"Then I recall my wish to be a boy again."
One of Theodore Roosevelt's sons, when small, was playing in the
Washington streets when a woman recognized him and said she didn't
think his father would like his playing with so many "common boys."
"My father says there are no common boys," replied the young
Roosevelt.
"He says there are only tall boys and short boys, and good boys and
bad boys, and that's all the kinds of boys there are."
Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection from the
green grocer's cart, and the latter told the boy to take a handful of
nuts, but the child shook his head.
"What's the matter, don't you like nuts?" asked the green grocer.
"Yes," replied Johnny.
"Then go ahead and take some."
Johnny hesitated, whereupon the green grocer put a generous handful in
Johnny's cap.
After the man had driven on the mother asked: "Why didn't you take the
nuts when he told you to?"
Johnny winked as he said: "'Cause his hand was bigger'n mine."
Golly! Let him whistle, mother!
He's just boy--that's all.
Let him be one while he can: you'll find it pays.
Jolly little baby brother!
When the shadows fall
You'll be wishin' he was back in boyhood days!
If you'd been in France and seen
All the things that I have seen--
Baby faces that will never
Baby faces be again--
Say! You wouldn't check that whistle
For a million iron men!
Lordy! mother, let him holler!
He's not hurting anything;
And he's carefree as a puppy--just that gay.
Dirty shirt, without a collar--
Never was a king
Happy as that baby yonder, yelling at his play.
Little kiddies over there--
Solemn eyes and tangled hair--
Ten years old? That's still a baby!
What he's doin's baby stuff!
And the dignity of manhood
Will be comin' quick enough!
Let him yell and squeal and whistle,
Rollin' in the sand;
Let him have the freedom of the whole back lot.
Things that hurt like thorn o' thistle
Workin' in your hand
You'll be wishin' some time that those things were not!
When I think of babies--old
From the things that can't be told--
And then look at him a-dancin',
Singin', shoutin', in his joy:
Don't put out a hand to stop him!
Mother--let him be a boy!
William's uncle was a very tall, fine-looking man, while his father
was very small. William admired his uncle, and wished to grow up like
him. One day he said to his mother:
"Mama, how did uncle grow so big and tall?"
His mother said: "Well, when uncle was a small boy he was always a
very good boy, and tried to do what was right at all times; so God let
him grow up big and tall."
William thought this over seriously for a few minutes, then said:
"Mama, what kind of a boy was papa?"
_See also_ Office boys.
BRIDES
And men relate that Mrs. Newlywed went to the grocery store to do her
morning marketing. And she was determined that the grocer should not
take advantage of her youth and inexperience.
"These eggs are dreadfully small," she criticized.
"I know it," he answered. "But that's the kind the farmer brings me.
They are just fresh from the country this morning."
"Yes," said the bride, "and that's the trouble with those farmers.
They are so anxious to get their eggs sold that they take them off the
nest too soon!"
"Hello! Is this you, mother, dear?"
"Yes, Sue? What is it? Something awful must have happened for you to
call me up at this--"
"It's not so awful. But, John, dear, hasn't been feeling well and the
doctor gave him pills to take every four hours. I've been sitting up
to give them to him, and now it's about time for the medicine, and
John has fallen asleep. Should I wake him?"
"I wouldn't if I were you. What is he suffering from?"
"Insomnia."
WIFE--"Oh, George, do order a rat-trap to be sent home today."
GEORGE--"But you bought one last week."
WIFE--"Yes, dear, but there's a rat in that."
"What kind of coal do you wish, mum?"
"Dear me, I am so inexperienced in these things. Are there various
kinds?"
"Oh, yes. We have egg coal, chestnut--"
"I think I'll take egg coal. We have eggs oftener than we have
chestnuts."
BROOKLYN
"Where can I find a map of Brooklyn, old man?"
"There ain't any such thing. No one has ever been able to make one."
BROTHERHOOD
The brotherhood of man begins with the manhood of the brother.
To live is not to live for one's self alone; let us help one
another.--_Menander_.
We must love men, ere to us they will seem worthy of our
love.--_Shakespeare_.
BURBANK
One day Luther Burbank was walking in his garden when he was accosted
by an officious acquaintance who said:
"Well, what are you working on now?"
"Trying to cross an eggplant and milk-weed," said Mr. Burbank.
"And what under heaven do you expect from that?"
Mr. Burbank calmly resumed his walk.
"Custard pie," he said.
BUSINESS
There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business.
One is that they haven't any mind, the other that they haven't any
business.
"I'm a very busy man, sir. What is your proposition?"
"I want to make you rich."
"Just so. Leave your recipe with me and I'll look it over later. Just
now I'm engaged in closing up a little deal by which I expect to make
$3.50 in real money."
A teacher asked those pupils who wanted to go to heaven to raise their
hands. All except little Ikey's hands went up. The teacher asked him
if he didn't want to go to heaven and Ikey replied that he had heard
his father tell his mother that 'Business had all gone to hell' and
Ikey wanted to go where the business had gone.
The vicar's appeal had been a most eloquent one, and had even
penetrated the depths of Mr. Blackleigh's granite organ. The latter
came forward and offered £50 for the fund.
The worthy cleric was overjoyed.
"I don't know your name, sir," he cried; "but I thank you from the
bottom of my heart. I thank you! May your business prosper, sir!"
Then there was a solemn hush, and the committee looked askance at
their vicar.
"What's the matter?" whispered the clergyman, turning to the chairman.
"Well--er--that donor is an undertaker!"
"There is one respect in which a live business man isn't like a tree."
"What is that?"
"If he remains rooted to the spot, he can't branch out."
During a campaign preceding the election of a Missouri Congressman it
was suggested that, since he posed as a good business man, he might be
willing to tell just what a good business man is.
"That's easy," he explained. "A good business man is one who can buy
goods from a Scotchman and sell them to a Jew--at a profit!"
EDITH--"Dick, dear, your office is in State street, isn't it?"
DICKEY--"Yes; why?"
EDITH--"That's what I told papa. He made such a funny mistake about
you yesterday. He said he'd been looking you up in Bradstreet."
FIRST MERCHANT (as reported in the New York "Trade Record")--"How's
business?"
SECOND MERCHANT--"Picking up a little. One of our men got a $5,000
order yesterday."
"Go away. I don't believe that."
"Honest he did--I'll show you the cancellation."
BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
The story of the rival boot-makers, which appeared recently, is
matched by a correspondent of an English paper with another story,
equally old but equally worth repeating. It concerns two rival
sausage-makers. Again, they lived on opposite sides of a certain
street, and, one day, one of them placed over his shop the legend:
"We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the country."
The next day, over the way, appeared the sign:
"We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the whole country."
Not to be outdone, the rival put up what he evidently regarded as a
final statement, namely:
"We sell sausages to the King."
Next day there appeared over the door of the first sausage-maker the
simple expression of loyalty:
"God save the King."
"Biddy," remarked the newly wed Irishman, "go down and feed the pigs."
"Faith and I will not," replied the bride.
"Don't be after contradicting me, Biddy," retorted the husband.
"Haven't I just endowed you with all my worldly goods, and if you can
not feed your own property, then it's ashamed of you I am."
This was a new point of view, so off Biddy went.
Presently she returned.
"Have you fed the pigs, Biddy?" demanded her husband, sternly.
"Faith, and I have not," she answered. "I have done a great deal
better. As they were my property I have sold them, and shall not be
bothered with them again."
A business man advertised for an office boy. The next morning there
were some fifty boys in line. He was about to begin examining the
applicants when his stenographer handed him a card on which was
scribbled:
"Don't do anything until you see me. I'm the last kid in line, but I'm
telling you I'm there with the goods."
In one of the back streets in Philadelphia is a little jewelry store
which is making progress--witness this incident:
"What's the price of nickel alarm clocks?"
"Dwenty-fife cends."
"What! Why, how's that? Last week you told my son they were a dollar."
"Yaw, dat is so. Listen: You are a good frien', so I tol' you. Ven I
hat some I sells him for von tollar. Now I ain'd got none I sells him
for dwendy-fife cents. Dot makes me a rebutation for cheabness, und I
don't lose noddings!"
_Commercialomania_
PROFITEER--"One million is the price of a gram of radium!"
HIS PARTNER--"And we never thought of trying to sell any!"
An enterprising young florist, in order to increase his trade,
displayed this sign in his window:
"We give a packet of flower seeds with every plant."
His competitor across the street promptly sought to meet the
competition by placing in his window the following announcement:
"We give the earth with every plant."
A very small but live boy applied to a great merchant for a job.
The great man sized him up with twinkling eyes, for the one situation
open needed a bigger parcel of human experience, and asked what
position he wanted.
"A chance to grow up in the business, Mister."
"Well, we are more or less being depopulated by the drafts. What is
your motto, my son?"
"The same as yours," was the ready answer.
"What do you mean?" asked the puzzled merchant.
"Why, on the door there--'Push.'"
He got the job of keeper of that very door.
The proprietors of two rival livery-stables, situated alongside each
other in a busy street, have been having a lively advertising duel
lately.
The other week one of them stuck up on his office window a long strip
of paper, bearing the words:
"Our horses need no whip to make them go."
This bit of sarcasm naturally caused some amusement at the expense of
the rival proprietor, but in less than an hour he neatly turned the
tables by pasting the following retort on his own window:
"True. The wind blows them along!"
A group of farmers were complaining of the potato bugs' ravages.
"The pests ate my whole potato crop in two weeks," said one farmer.
"They ate my crop in two days," said a second farmer, "and then they
roosted on the trees to see if I'd plant more."
A drummer for a seed house cleared his throat.
"Gents," he said, "all that's very remarkable. Let me tell you,
though, what I saw in our own store. I saw a couple of potato bugs
examining the books about a week before planting time to see who had
bought seed."
UNFORTUNATE PEDESTRIAN (who has been knocked down and dazed)--"Where
am I? Where am I?"
ENTERPRISING HAWKER--"'Ere y'are, sir--map of London, one
penny."--_Punch_.
_Why He Was Not Promoted_
He watched the clock.
He was always grumbling.
He was never at the office on time.
He asked too many questions.
His stock excuse was "it isn't necessary."
He wasn't ready for the next step.
He did not put his heart in his work.
He learned nothing from his blunders.
He chose his friends among his inferiors.
He ruined his ability by half-doing things.
He never acted on his own judgment.
He did not think it worth while to learn how.
He imitated the habits of other men who could stand more than he
could.
He did not learn that the best part of his salary was not in his
pay envelope.
He didn't have to.
He was the President of the Company.
--G.M.
BUSINESS ETHICS
Johnny was at the grocery store.
"I hear you have a little sister at your house," said the grocer.
"Yes, sir," said Johnny.
"Do you like that?" was queried.
"I wish it was a boy," said Johnny, "so I could play marbles with him,
and baseball."
"Well," said the storekeeper, "why don't you exchange your little
sister for a boy?"
Johnny reflected for a minute; then he said sorrowfully:
"We can't now; it's too late. We've used her four weeks."
A Priest in Ireland went to Rome, and a number of his parishioners
asked him to buy things for them. Some gave him the cash; others did
not. When he returned, he brought the articles for those who paid for
them in advance. When the others complained, he said, with a wink:
"While I was at sea I got out all the commissions and spread them on
the deck. On the papers of those who had given me the coin I put the
money. The others had nothing to weight them down. A squall of wind
came up. It blew all the unweighted papers into the sea! So the ones
who gave me the money got what they asked me to get. The others must
ask Father Neptune for theirs."