studies for the month of January than for December?"
Samuel was equal to the emergency. "Why, dad," said he, in an injured
tone, "don't you know that everything is marked down after the
holidays?"
Swapping dollars enriches nobody but swapping ideas enriches both
parties to the trade.
A noted wag met an Irishman in the street one day, and thought he
would be funny at his expense.
"Hello, Pat!" he said. "I'll give you eight (in) pence for a
shilling."
"Will ye, now?" said Pat.
"Yes," he replied.
The Irishman handed over the shilling, and his friend put eight pence
into his palm in return.
"Eight in pence," he explained. "Not bad, is it?"
"No," answered Pat; "but the shilling is!"
BASEBALL
"Baseball," says a Big League magnate, "is the public's luxury." The
small boy will disagree with him, a luxury being something you can do
without.-Puck.
At a ball game between a South Carolina negro team and a visiting team
of similar color a negro preacher was acting as umpire. The pitcher
had gone rather wild, and had permitted all the bases to fill. Another
man came to the bat, and the nervous pitcher shot one over.
"Ball one," yelled the ump.
The pitcher tried again.
"Ball two," was the decision.
Another effort by the hurler.
"Ball three," said the umpire.
The pitcher saw his predicament, and made one master effort to save
the day.
"Ball four," yelled the ump, "and the man's out."
"How come, I'se out?" inquired the enraged batter.
"I'se repelled to put you out, nigger. Don't you see dar's nowhere
else to put you?" reasoned the umpire.
They were getting up a ball game in a small town and lacked one
player. They finally persuaded an old fellow to fill in, although he
said he had never played before. He went to the bat and the first ball
pitched he knocked over the fence. Every one stood and watched the
ball, even the batter. Excitedly they told him to run. "Shucks!" he
said, "what's the use of running, I'll buy you another ball."
An Englishman was seeing his first game of baseball, and the "fan" was
explaining the different plays as they were being made.
"Don't you think it's great?" enthusiastically asked the "fan."
"Well," replied the Englishman, "I think it's very exciting, but also
a very dangerous game."
"Dangerous nothing," replied the fan.
Just then a runner was put out at second base.
"What has happened now?" asked the Englishman.
"Chick Smith has died at second," laconically replied the fan.
"Died at second?" replied the astonished Briton. "I knew it was a
dangerous game."
They arrived at the fifth inning.
"What's the score, Jim?" he asked a fan.
"Nothing to nothing," was the reply.
"Oh, goody!" she exclaimed. "We haven't missed a thing!"
At the base ball game.
SHE--"What's the man running for?"
HE--"He hit the ball."
SHE--"I know. But is he required to chase it, too?"
An Englishman was once persuaded to see a game of baseball, and during
the play, when he happened to look away for a moment, a foul tip
caught him on the ear and knocked him senseless. On coming to himself,
he asked faintly, "What was it?"
"A foul--only a foul!"
"Good heavens!" he exclaimed. "A fowl? I thought it was a mule."
BATHS AND BATHING
"S-s-s-s-sus-say, ma," stammered Bobby, through the suds, as his
mother scrubbed and scrubbed him, "I guess you want to get rid o' me,
don't you?"
"Why, no, Bobby dear," replied his mother. "Whatever put such an idea
into your mind?"
"Oh, nuthin'," said Bobby, "only it seems to me you're tryin' to rub
me out."
PA--"At last I've found a way to make that young scamp of ours stop
winking his eyes."
MA--"Really?"
PA--"Yes; I'll show him the article in this science magazine where it
says that every time we wink we give the eye a bath."
BEAUTY, PERSONAL
"Is she very pretty?"
"Pretty? Say! when she gets on a street-car the advertising is a total
loss."
"I don't like these photos at all," he said, "I look like an ape."
The photographer favored him with a glance of lofty disdain.
"You should have thought of that before you had them taken," was his
reply as he turned back to work.
"We're giving Baxby a farewell dinner and I'm to respond to the toast,
'None but the brave deserves the fair.'"
"Sorry for you, old top. You'll have to prove that Baxby is an utter
coward, or that he isn't getting what is his due."
The Chinese are not given to flattery. A gentleman called at a Chinese
laundry for his clothes. On receiving the package he noticed
some Chinese characters marked upon it. He asked, pointing to the
lettering:
"That's my name, I suppose?"
"No; 'scliption," was the Chinaman's bland reply. "'Lil ol' man,
closs-eyed, no teeth.'"--_Everybody's_.
BEGGING
"Some men have no hearts," said the tramp. "I've been a-tellin' that
feller I am so dead broke that I have to sleep outdoors."
"Didn't that fetch him?" asked the other.
"Naw. He tol' me he was a-doin' the same thing, and had to pay the
doctor for tellin' him to do it."
DEAF-AND-DUMB BEGGAR--"Do you think it looks like rain, Bill?"
BLIND BEGGAR--"I dasn't look up to see--here comes one o' my best
customers!"--_Puck_.
He who begs timidly courts a refusal.--_Seneca_.
The matron passed a handout to the disreputable hobo, remarking
curtly, "If you don't mind, eat it outside."
"Bless yer, I'm used to it," he answered. "When I was at home and
in clover, as it were, it was me daily custom, when donnin' me dress
suit, to announce to me valet, 'Parkins, don't await dinner fer me
tonight. I'm dinin' out.'"
BEQUESTS
"There's a story connected with this diamond," said Heinie, pointing
to a big, handsome stone which sparkled in his shirt front. "A friend
of mine by the name of Meyer lay sick in bed. I being his best friend,
he sent for me and said:
"'Heinie, I'm a very sick man. I ain't got long to live. I'm worth
a lot of money, and I'm going to leave it all to you and my other
friends. But I want you to do me one favor. Take this money and when
I'm dead and laid away buy me a nice stone.'
"Those were Meyer's last words, and the day of the funeral I bought
this stone. But how can I give it to him when he's dead?"
BETTING
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I am glad to see you taking
as much interest in politics as you formerly took in racing."
"It is the duty of every man and woman to take an interest in
politics."
"Do you wish me to vote for the same candidate that you do?"
"Why shouldn't you?"
"I thought it might be a good idea for me to vote for the other one.
It would be a satisfaction to feel that one or the other of us has at
last succeeded in picking a winner."
A Scottish gentleman on a trip to New Orleans went to see his first
horse-race. He was feeling very reckless, and decided to risk one
dollar, choosing a forty-to-one shot, as that looked like the largest
percentage of gain. By a miracle his horse won, and upon handing his
ticket to the bookmaker, he received forty dollars.
"Do I get all this for my dollar?" he asked. Upon being assured that
he did, he exclaimed. "Hoots! how long has this been going on?"
Little Pat and big Mike had had a dispute, when Mike in contempt said:
"Ye little runt, Oi bet I could carry yez up to the fifth story in me
hod."
Pat immediately took up the bet, saying: "I'd loike to see ye thry
thot same. I'll bet yez fifty cints on it."
Before he knew it Mike had him in his hod and was going up the ladder.
When he got to the fourth story his foot slipped and he almost fell.
He regained his footing, however, and reached the fifth story in
triumph.
"Oi won!" he said.
"Yez did thot," said Pat, "but Oi had high hopes when yer foot
slipped."
BIBLE INTERPRETATION
Senator Simmons was discussing the proposed war-tax on
automobile-owners. "Making war-taxes," he said, "isn't pleasant work.
It puts one in the position of the facetious minister at Ocean Grove
who took a little girl on his knee, and said:
"'I don't love you, Nellie.'"
All the ladies on the breeze-swept veranda laughed, but little Nellie
frowned and said:
"'You've got to love me. You've got to.'"
"'Got to? How so?'" laughed the divine.
"'Because,' said Nellie stoutly, 'you've got to love them that hate
you--and I hate you, goodness knows!'"
"The Bible tells us we should love our neighbors," said the good
deacon.
"Yes, but the Bible was written before our neighbors lived so close,"
replied the mere man.
WILLIE--"Paw, why is the way of the transgressor hard?"
PAW--"Because so many people have tramped on it, my son."
Little Marie was sitting on her grandfather's knee one day, and after
looking at him intently for a time she said:
"Grandpa, were you in the ark?"
"Certainly not, my dear," answered the astonished old man.
"Then why weren't you drowned?"
A bashful curate found the young ladies in the parish too helpful. At
last it became so embarrassing that he left.
Not long afterward--he met the curate who had succeeded him.
"Well," he asked, "how do you get on with the ladies?"
"Oh, very well indeed," said the other. "There is safety in numbers,
you know."
"Ah!" was the instant reply. "I only found it in Exodus."
Bishop Hoss said at a Nashville picnic:
"The religious knowledge of too many adults resembles, I am afraid,
the religious knowledge of little Eve.
"'So you attend Sunday-school regularly?' the minister said to little
Eve."
"'Oh, yes, sir.'"
"'And you know your Bible?'"
"'Oh, yes, sir.'"
"'Could you perhaps tell me something that is in it?'"
"'I could tell you everything that's in it.'"
"'Indeed,' and the minister smiled. 'Do tell me, then.'"
"'Sister's beau's photo is in it,' said little Eve, promptly, 'and
ma's recipe for vanishin' cream is in it, and a lock of my hair cut
off when I was a baby is in it, and the ticket for pa's watch is in
it.'"
"Bobby, do you know you've deliberately broken the eighth commandment
by stealing James's candy?"
"Well, I thought I might as well break the eighth commandment and have
the candy as to break the tenth and only 'covet' it."--_Life_.
"I thought you were preaching, Uncle Bob," said the Colonel, to whom
the elderly negro had applied for a job.
"Yessah, Ah wuz," replied Uncle; "but Ah guess Ah ain't smaht enough
to expound de Scriptures. Ah almost stahved to deff tryin' to explain
de true meanin' uv de line what says 'De Gospel am free.' Dem fool
niggahs thought dat it meant dat Ah wuzn't to git no salary."
The college boys played a mean trick on "Prexy" by pasting some of
the leaves of his Bible together. He rose to read the morning lesson,
which might have been as follows:
"Now Johial took unto himself a wife of the daughters of Belial." (He
turned a leaf.) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in
breadth." (A pause and careful scrutiny of the former page.)
He resumed: "Now Johial took unto himself a wife," etc. (Leaf turned.)
"She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth, and was
pitched within and without--" (Painful pause and sounds of subdued
mirth.) "Prexy" turns back again in perplexity.
"Young gentlemen, I can only add that 'Man is fearfully and
wonderfully made'--and woman also."
_See also_ Drinking.
BIGAMY
_The Bugamist._
A June bug married an angleworm;
An accident cut her in two.
They charged the bug with bigamy;
Now what could the poor thing do?
--_Punch Bowl_.
A tariff expert of Kansas City said in a recent address:
"The average tariff argument is amusing in its ignorance. It reminds
me of a certain Kansas City police court.
"A policeman rose in this court to testify against a prisoner.
"'Wot's this here feller charged with?' the magistrate demanded.
"'Bigotry, judge,' the police answered. 'He's got three wives.'
"'Three!' cried the magistrate. 'Why, you ignoramus, that ain't
bigotry. That's trigonometry!'"
"I left my money at home," said the lady on the train to the
conductor. "You will have to trust me. I am one of the directors'
wives."
"I am sorry, madam," replied the conductor. "I can't do that, even if
you were the director's only wife."
BILLS
COLLECTOR--"Did you look at that little bill I left yesterday, sir?"
HOUSE MEMBER--"Yes; it has passed the first reading."
Daniel Webster was once sued by his butcher for a bill of long
standing. Before his suit was settled he met the butcher on the street
and, to the man's great embarrassment, stopped to ask why he had
ceased sending around for his order.
"Why, Mr. Webster," said the tradesman, "I did not think you would
want to deal with me when I've brought suit against you."
"Tut! tut!" said Mr. Webster, "sue me all you wish, but for heaven's
sake don't try to starve me to death!"
"My doctor told me I would have to quit eating so much meat."
"Did you laugh him to scorn?'"
"I did at first; but when he sent in his bill, I found he was right."
TOMMY--"Why do the ducks dive?"
HARP--"Guess they must want to liquidate their bills."
Bill Sprague kept a general store at Croyden Four Corners. One day
he set off for New York to buy a lot of goods. The goods were shipped
immediately; and as Bill had lingered in New York sightseeing, they
reached Croyden Four Corners before him. The goods in an enormous
packing-case were driven to the general store by the local teamster.
Mrs. Sprague came out to see what had arrived and, with a shriek,
tottered and fell.
"Oh, what's the matter, ma'am?" cried the hired girl.
Mrs Sprague, her eyes blinded with tears, pointed to the packing-case,
whereon was stenciled in large black letters: "BILL INSIDE."
When you do not intend to pay a bill there is nothing like being
decisive in your refusal. The other day a bookseller had an "account
rendered" returned to him with the following reply scrawled across the
billhead: "Dear Sir--I never ordered this beastly book. If I did, you
didn't send it. If you sent it, I never got it. If I got it, I
paid for it. If I didn't, I won't. Now go and hang yourself, you
fathead.--Yours very respectfully, John Jones."
PATIENT--"Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up--something
to put me in fighting-trim. Did you put anything like that in this
prescription?"
DOCTOR--"No. You will find that in the bill."--_Judge_.
_See also_ Debts; Collecting of accounts.
BLUFFING
VISITOR (at private hospital)--"Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?"
MATRON--"We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you're a
relative?"
VISITOR (boldly)--"Oh, yes! I'm his sister."
MATRON--"Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm his
mother."--_Punch_.
Yes, life's like poker sure enough. It pays to know just when to
bluff.
Half-way up the steep hill the stage-coach stopped. For the seventh
time the driver climbed down from his seat and opened and slammed the
rear door.
"What do you do that for?" asked a passenger, whose curiosity had got
the better of him.
"Sh-h; spake aisy. Don't let th' mare 'ear yer," cautioned the driver.
"Every toime she 'ears th' door shut she thinks some one has got down,
and it starrts 'er up quicker loike."
Ollie James is a big man personally and politically. He is a United
States senator from Kentucky, and he weighs a trifle more than three
hundred and fifty pounds.
On one occasion, in traveling from New York to Washington, he barely
caught the midnight train, and discovered that the only berth left was
an upper. Having learned from experience that the process of coiling
up his three hundred and fifty pounds and his six feet three inches in
an upper berth was tough stuff, he was indignant. He was particularly
enraged when he noticed that the lower directly under his berth was
occupied by a small man who tipped the scales at not more than a
hundred and twenty.
Ollie grasped the curtains of the berth, shook them vigorously,
growled once or twice, and remarked vindictively to the porter:
"So I've got to sleep in an upper, have I? The last time I did that it
was on a trip from Frankfort to Washington, and the blamed thing broke
down and mashed the man under me. Throw that grip up there, and I hope
to Heaven the berth will hold me."
Then he went back to the smoker and had a cigar.
When he returned, the little man was in the upper.
_As it is_
Weep and you are called a baby,
Laugh and you are called a fool,
Yield and you're called a coward,
Stand and you're called a mule,
Smile and they'll call you silly,
Frown and they'll call you gruff,
Put on a front like a millionaire,
And somebody calls you a bluff.
A successful old lawyer tells the following story anent the beginning
of his professional life: "I had just installed myself in my office,"
he said, "had put in a phone and had preened myself for my first
client who might come along when, through the glass of my door I saw
a shadow. Yes, it was doubtless some one to see me. Picture me, then,
grabbing the nice, shiny receiver of my new phone and plunging into an
imaginary conversation. It ran something like this: 'Yes, Mr. S.,' I
was saying as the stranger entered the office, 'I'll attend to that
corporation matter for you. Mr. J. had me on the phone this morning
and wanted me to settle a damage suit, but I had to put him off, as I
was too busy with other cases. But I'll manage to sandwich your case
in between the others somehow. Yes. Yes. All right. Goodby.' Being
sure, then, that I had duly impressed my prospective client, I hung up
the receiver and turned to him. 'Excuse me, sir,' the man said,
'but I'm from the telephone company. I've come to connect your
instrument.'"
BOARD OF HEALTH
Strolling along the quays of New York harbor, an Irishman came across
the wooden barricade which is placed around the inclosure where
immigrants suspected of suffering from contagious diseases are
isolated.
"Phwat's this fince for?" he inquired of a bystander.
"Oh," was the reply; "that's to keep out fever and things like that,
you know."
"Indade!" said Pat. "Oi've often heard of the board of health, but
bejabers, it's the first time Oi've seen it!"
BOARDING HOUSES
The fare at a certain boarding-house was very poor. A boarder who had
been there for some time, because he could not get away, was standing
in the hall when the landlord rang the dinner-bell. Whereupon an old
dog that was lying outside on a rug commenced to howl mournfully.
The boarder watched him a little while and then said: "What on earth
are you howling for? You don't have to eat it!"
In the soft firelight even the boarding-house sitting-room looked cozy
and attractive. The warmth and comfort thawed the heart of the "star"
boarder. He turned to the landlady and murmured. "Will you be my
wife?"
"Let me see," replied the landlady, "you have been here four years.
You have never once grumbled at the food or failed to pay my bill
promptly and without question. No, sir, I'm sorry. You're too good a
boarder to be put on the free list!"
BOASTING
The engineer had become tired of the boastful talk he heard from the
other engine drivers at his boarding-house. One evening he began:
"This morning I went over to see a new machine we've got at our place,
and it's astonishing how it works."
"And how does it work?" asked one.
"Well," was the reply, "by means of a pedal attachment a fulcrumed
lever concerts a vertical reciprocating motion into a circular
movement. The principal part of the machine is a huge disk that
revolves in a vertical plane. Power is applied through the axis of the
disk, and work is done on the periphery, and the hardest steel by mere
impact may be reduced to any shape."
"What is this wonderful machine?" was asked.
"A grindstone," was the reply.
Senator Tillman was arguing the tariff with an opponent.
"You know I never boast," the opponent began.
"Never boast? Splendid!" said Senator Tillman, and he added quietly,
"No wonder you brag about it."
They are mighty proud of their one sky-scraper up in Seattle.
It is a long, skinny building that stands on one leg like a stork
and blinks down disdainfully from its thousand windows on ordinary
fifteen-story shacks.
A San Francisco man recently in that city was incautious enough to
express surprise.
"What are those posts sticking out all the way up?" he asked a
Seattleite.
"Those are mile-posts," said the Seattle man.
A gentleman from Vermont was traveling west in a Pullman when a group
of men from Topeka, Kansas, boarded the train and began to praise
their city to the Vermonter, telling him of its wide streets and
beautiful avenues. Finally the Vermonter became tired and said
the only thing that would improve their city would be to make it a
seaport.
The enthusiastic Westerners laughed at him and asked how they could
make it a seaport, being so far from the ocean.
The Vermonter replied that it would be a very easy task.
"The only thing that you will have to do," said he, "is to lay a
two-inch pipe from your city to the Gulf of Mexico. Then if you
fellows can suck as hard as you can blow you will have it a seaport
inside half an hour."
BOLSHEVISM
"The reason you disapprove of Bolshevism is that you don't understand
it."
"Probably. Every time I get with Bolshevists and think I am beginning
to understand, they start a riot and take my mind off the subject."
There's just one thing the Bolshevik in America can do well--he can
dampen the fire under the Melting Pot!
Bolshevism--A blow-out on the tire of world-politics.
BOOKS AND READING
A student assistant, engaged in reading the shelves at the public
library, was accosted by a primly dressed middle-aged woman who said
that she had finished reading the last of Laura Jean Libby's writings,
and that she should like something just as good.
The young assistant, unable for the moment to think of Laura Jean
Libby's equal, hastily scanned the shelf on which she was working and,
choosing a book, offered it to the applicant, saying, "Perhaps you
would like this, 'A Kentucky Cardinal.'"
"No," was the reply, "I don't care for theological works."
"But," explained the kindly assistant, with needless enthusiasm, "this
cardinal was a bird!"
"That would not recommend him to me," said the woman, as she moved
away in search of a librarian who should be a better judge of
character as well as of Laura Jean Libby's peers.
Books are the legacies that genius leaves to mankind, to be delivered
down from generation to generation, as presents to the posterity of
those that are yet unborn.--_Addison_.
"Are you interested in a loose-leaf encyclopedia?"
"Nope, got one."
"Indeed! Whose?"
"The Britannica."
"Didn't know they published a loose-leaf edition."
"Huh! You ought to see mine after the children had used the volumes as
building blocks a few years."
A dressy lady asked one of the assistants for an up-to-date story
such as "Women men love" or the "Adventures of Anne." The assistant
selected a story which she thought this type of reader would
appreciate. After a few minutes the dressy lady again appeared with
the book open, and pointing to a quotation on the title page said
"I would like this book or any other by Proverbs." The astonished
assistant read the quotation which was, "who can find a virtuous
woman, her price is far above rubies." _Proverbs_ 31:10.
"How far have you studied, Johnny?" inquired the teacher. "Just as far
as the book is dirty, ma'am."
Our youngest borrower is a little boy of three who reads surprisingly
well for one so young and selects his own books from the children's
room. The other day, however, his mother complained that lately he has
become "lazy" and refuses to read. As we stood talking the little chap
ran joyfully toward her waving a picture book that had been made at
the branch and said, "No words Mother, no words."
If this is borrowed by a friend
Right welcome shall he be;
To read, to study, not to lend
But to return to me.
Not that imparted knowledge doth
Diminish learning's store,
But books, I find, if often lent,
Return to me no more.
"Books are keys to wisdom's treasures;
Books are gates to lands of pleasure;
Books are paths that upward lead;
Books are friends, come, let us read."
When I consider what some books have done for the world, and what they
are doing, how they keep up our hope, awaken new courage and faith,
soothe pain, give an ideal life to those whose hours are cold and
hard, bind together distant ages and foreign lands, create new worlds
of beauty, bring down Truth from heaven; I give eternal blessings for
this gift and thank God for books.
Mr. Dooley says "Books is f'r thim that can't inj'ye thimsilves in
anny other way. If ye're in good health, an ar-re atin' three squares
a day, an' not ayether sad or very much in love with ye'er lot, but
just lookin' on an' not carin' a rush, ye don't need books," he says.