’Twas a _Beguine_, said my uncle _Toby._
Doctor _Slop_ was too much in wrath to listen to the distinction; and
my father taking that very crisis to fall in helter-skelter upon the
whole order of Nuns and _Beguines_, a set of silly, fusty,
baggages——_Slop_ could not stand it——and my uncle Toby having some
measures to take about his breeches—and _Yorick_ about his fourth
general division—in order for their several attacks next day—the
company broke up: and my father being left alone, and having half an
hour upon his hands betwixt that and bed-time; he called for pen, ink,
and paper, and wrote my uncle _Toby_ the following letter of
instructions:
My dear brother _Toby_,
WHAT I am going to say to thee is upon the nature of women, and of
love-making to them; and perhaps it is as well for thee—tho’ not so
well for me—that thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon
that head, and that I am able to write it to thee.
Had it been the good pleasure of him who disposes of our lots—and thou
no sufferer by the knowledge, I had been well content that thou
should’st have dipp’d the pen this moment into the ink, instead of
myself; but that not being the case———Mrs _Shandy_ being now close
beside me, preparing for bed——I have thrown together without order, and
just as they have come into my mind, such hints and documents as I deem
may be of use to thee; intending, in this, to give thee a token of my
love; not doubting, my dear _Toby_, of the manner in which it will be
accepted.
In the first place, with regard to all which concerns religion in the
affair——though I perceive from a glow in my cheek, that I blush as I
begin to speak to thee upon the subject, as well knowing,
notwithstanding thy unaffected secrecy, how few of its offices thou
neglectest—yet I would remind thee of one (during the continuance of
thy courtship) in a particular manner, which I would not have omitted;
and that is, never to go forth upon the enterprize, whether it be in
the morning or the afternoon, without first recommending thyself to the
protection of Almighty God, that he may defend thee from the evil one.
Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or five
days, but oftner if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before her,
thro’ absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has been
cut away by Time——how much by _Trim._
—’Twere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy.